Whether you're trying to get ahead in your job, or simply trying to keep hold of it, I've got a tip for you. In fact, I've got 10!

I hasten to add that the tipster imparting these tidy tidbits of wisdom is not myself. My only tips for job survival are:

1. Keep your head down.

2. Do as little as possible.

3. When the little work you actually do gets you in trouble with the boss, have a dear friend handy to blame.

Fortunately, these 10 tips come from a man who is a tad more successful than me. John Doerr is a Silicon Valley venture capitalist who is both richly respected and just plain rich. Speaking before a management group composed of bright young CEOs, CFOs, and 3-CPOs, Doerr presented his list of 10 ways for companies to stay afloat in these perilous times.

Though I am considering a startup — an exciting venture in which I hire recently fired hedge fund managers to sell apples on downtown street corners — Doerr's tips also apply to those of us who may lack the entrepreneurial gene, but do have sufficient common sense to realize that the coming economic downturn could result in people like thee and me being turned out onto the streets, hat — and pink slip — in hand.

Instead of taking what fate deals out to an aging hulk in the org. chart rust belt, why not consider yourself a startup — a fledgling enterprise fighting to stay afloat in a economic tsunami.

Can John Doerr's tips for startups help you keep up? Let's look at some of them.

No. 1. Act Now.

Doerr suggests we “act with speed” to “raise money, get a loan, secure financing.” Makes sense. But from whom will you borrow? Not the bank, that's for sure. They're in more trouble than you! The government? If you owed $25 billion, the check would be in the mail, but a failure to pay your Netflix bill won't qualify you.

Here's a great time to think like a startup. You might have no value to your company, but your computer, your fax machine, the copper wires that connect you to the switchboard – that's money in the bank! (If anyone asks why your cubical is empty, tell them you're waiting for the IT department to hook you up with a new system. If it takes two years, everyone will understand.)

No. 2. Protect the vital core of the business.

These are tough times, but “use a scalpel, not an ax” when making cuts. You'll definitely want to keep those parts of your work skills that are essential, like your ability to snoop, spy, and spread vicious rumors about other members of the team. The company can find lots of people who can sell widgets, but who else has photos of the office manager in a leather bustier rejecting expense accounts while swilling Jagermeister?

No. 6. Renegotiate any contracts that you have.

“Everything is negotiable” says the venture capitalist, and if he is right, this might be time to renegotiate your salary agreement. Go into the negotiations from a position of strength. As soon as you sit down, break down. Sob miserably and beat your tiny fists on the boss's desk. Offer to take a 50 percent cut in pay, and promise to work twice as hard. Two times zero is zero, so what's the diff? If all else fails, offer up the names of your dearest work friends who could be fired instead of you. That's the kind of disloyalty any boss will appreciate.

No. 8. Offer people equity instead of cash.

There's value in your abilities far beyond the little you do at work. Think how essential you will be when the boss comes home and finds you cleaning the autumn leaves from her rain gutters. Or power-washing his driveway to remove those annoying oil drips from the Bentley. Or whipping up a salmon mousse for the family dinner. Best of all, if the company does decide to fire you, you might be able to get a job on the boss's household staff.

No. 11. Over-communicate with everyone.

Yes, Doerr provides an extra tip for extra-tough times. “Don't sugarcoat things,” he suggests. “Communicate your resolve.” Let management know that even if they fire you, you'll still be coming to work every day. Chances are, faced with your presence for the rest of his working life the boss will probably fire himself.

Bob Goldman has been an advertising executive at a Fortune 500 company in the San Francisco Bay Area. He offers a virtual shoulder to cry on at bob@funnybusiness.com. To find out more about Bob Goldman and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate website at www.creators.com.

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