Good news! I've finally figured out why you're going nowhere in what we laughingly call "your career." It's not because you're lazy, indecisive and ineffectual. It's not you at all — the real problem is your spouse.

According to an article by Leslie Kaufman in The New York Times, major job searches almost invariably include a careful vetting of the potential hire's significant other.

"The spouse has always been a silent part of the executive package," writes Kaufman, "with committed partners doing everything from packing overnight bags to throwing client-entertaining dinner parties."

The last time my spouse packed an overnight bag for me, I wasn't going on a business trip. But there was my bag, packed with all my possessions, sitting on the front porch at 3 a.m. when I stumbled home from the Kit Kat Klub. Go figure.

If a job description includes social activities, the role of the spouse is even more important. Kaufman points out that "a charming and organized spouse can be a boon to an executive who must rub elbows and raise money." Don't you think raising money is part of your job? You want regular and significant salary increases, right? In my book, that's serious money raising.

The spouse must also be supportive of his or her mate's career. If you have a demanding job, an employer doesn't want a spouse constantly badgering his or her partner to leave work before midnight, just because some silly family event is taking place — a fire in the family room or the birth of a child.

Fortunately, this is not an issue for many of us. Our spouses are more than delighted to have us stay at work, 24/7/365. They know, I suppose, how much we love our jobs. It also leaves them more time to spend with their Pilates instructor.

Despite the importance of our spouse in achieving business success, employers are not allowed to subject the significant other to the kind of Abu Ghraib interrogations conducted with applicants. There are laws against discrimination by association, which is one good reason why no one should ever see you reading this column.

"The significant other has no official duties, after all, and will not be paid," notes Kaufman, before turning over the podium to Clifford Atlas, a lawyer who specializes in employment law. According to Atlas, "the more you ask someone about their personal lives, the more likely that you will uncover information that should not be considered in the hiring process."

If the new employer finds out the applicant never puts down the toilet seat, why should it spoil a man's chances for a big new job? Nor should a hard-charging female executive be penalized simply because she never misses an episode of "Dancing with the Stars." Still, it does mean that both members of a couple must be careful about what they say in the job-hunting process. And I'm not just talking about formal interviews.

"Whenever I call a candidate's house," says executive recruiter Melanie Kusin, "I invariably get the spouse and always try and stay on the phone as long as possible. It can give you such a different window into who that person is."

A window or a door. Train your spouse never to reveal anything other than name, rank and serial number. If you can't come to the phone because you're sprawled out on the floor, drunk, there's no reason for your spouse to disclose this information to a recruiter. All they have to say is something neutral and completely understandable, like "I'm sorry they aren't available. They've gone out to score some crack cocaine."

If you must introduce your spouse, be sure to school him or her in the ways of business.

For example, instead of starting a dinner with a wimpy drink, like a wine spritzer, the spouse must order a shot and a beer. The boilermaker should be knocked back before the waiter leaves, and a round of Jell-0 shots ordered right away. This shows that your significant other is a fun person to have at management retreats. And make sure your spouse sends back his or her meal two or three times in order to display decisiveness. Finally, instruct your significant other to demean you in public, dressing you down for a variety of marital bad decisions and foul-ups. This shows you can take criticism and follow orders, no matter how erratic and insane.

That way, if you don't get the job, they'll definitely give it to your spouse.

Bob Goldman has been an advertising executive at a Fortune 500 company in the San Francisco Bay Area. He offers a virtual shoulder to cry on at bob@funnybusiness.com. To find out more about Bob Goldman and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate website at www.creators.com.

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