Beyond Addiction

People struggling with addiction are usually their own worst enemy. A new book suggests they heal by being their own best friend.

I never have met Tom Gagliano, but I know him well from our conversations these past few years as he struggled to turn his keen ideas into a book. "Write a page a day," I told him, "and in a year, you'll have your book." He did.

"The Problem Was Me: How to End Negative Self-Talk and Take Your Life to a New Level" is Tom's first book, but his co-author, the renowned addiction specialist Rabbi Abraham Twerski, M.D., has written 60 self-help and motivational books over the decades. They make an effective double-team.

The book's genesis comes from Tom's own experiences.

A central nemesis in the book is "the warden," an imaginary brute with a baseball bat who pounded him to reinforce all the negative emotions that Tom grew up with. The warden sits on the shoulders of a lot of addicted people.

"The warden becomes the little voice inside our heads that won't go away," Tom says. "The warden tells us we don't deserve happiness. And when happiness does come our way, his voice sabotages our ability to accept it. We become emotionally shackled to the warden, and so the door to intimacy is locked, and nobody can enter."

No wonder we seek relief from substances. Self-flagellation is the worst form of pain.

Is the warden lurking near you? Tom suggests you ask yourself these questions:

—Do you feel as if you are carrying the burden of the world on your shoulders and powerless to let it go?

—Do you have problems trusting any process that you are not in control of?

—When you make a mistake, do you feel shame so strong it overwhelms you and identify yourself as a mistake?

—When you get angry, do you terrify the people around you, or do you suppress, ignore or stuff anger?

—In social settings, do you feel either superior or inferior to others rather than feel as if you belong?

You're not necessarily an addict if you answer "yes" to some or all of those questions.

But the point is this: People drink too much or get high because they aren't comfortable in their own skin, often because of traumatic moments or repeated painful experiences in childhood. To move ahead into recovery requires a look back into the darker corners of the past, and that means turning to face the demons. Take ownership of the problem, no matter how unjust or unfair or how long ago, and it leads to a solution.

"First we need to become aware of what is broken inside so we know what needs to be fixed," says Tom, who has been in recovery for about 25 years. "To be free of the chains of our childhood wounds, we need to understand how we became who we are."

His book takes us through the steps necessary to accomplish that. It isn't uncomplicated, but it boils down to this: mentors, professional counseling and peer support groups. Most of all, be your own best friend by affirming you are worth the effort.

I don't know whether "The Problem Was Me" is a get-out-of-jail card.

But it will get the warden off your back.

William Moyers is the vice president of public affairs and community relations for the Hazelden Foundation and the author of "Broken," his best-selling memoirs, and "A New Day, A New Life." Please send your questions to William Moyers at wmoyers@hazelden.org. To find out more about William Moyers and read his past columns, visit the Creators Syndicate Web page at www.creators.com.

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