Catch-22 by William Moyers on Creators.com

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Catch-22

When somebody I haven't heard from in decades calls or sends me an e-mail out of the blue, I don't guess why.

"Hi There," heralded the subject line in one such e-mail that popped into my inbox this week. "It's been too long, but I've been keeping up with your story ever since, and the guy I knew in college sure isn't who you are today, so I am happy for you and your recovery. We have some issues with our youngest daughter, a college sophomore. I wanted to get your opinion. Let me know if you have time to help me a bit. Thanks."

Even when it seems as if I have no time, I always make some for people who need practical advice about alcohol or other drugs, and within a few minutes, this long-lost friend, her husband and I were discussing their intimate fears that their 19-year-old daughter is smoking pot, using speed and driving drunk. Based on what they said, I affirmed their concerns are legitimate. But I warned them they face a more formidable challenge: their daughter's trust.

That's because the catalyst for their fear occurred only after the mother hacked into her daughter's Facebook account and found a string of online messages between the young woman and her friends laced with references to getting high.

"But I only did it because I was worried," the mother protested after I told her what she'd done wasn't such a good idea. "What's the difference between that and finding (drugs) when I'm picking up her room or a pants pocket washing her clothes?"

Plenty, I told her. She wasn't cleaning or doing laundry.

Her daughter is an adult who doesn't live under her parents' roof anymore. And the online account is password-protected for a reason: It is her daughter's personal business, period.

Today's techno-driven landscape presents a whole new challenge for parents. It's hard enough to keep up, much less keep tabs, on what our kids are doing, where they are going and whom they are connecting with. For parents who think their children are dabbling with danger — drugs included — when is it OK, if ever, to sneak a peek into their e-mail or check the caller ID on their cell phones or find out whom they chat with on social networking sites?

I don't know. Like most parents, I am resigned to the reality that trial and error is probably the only realistic approach.

But with my own three teenagers, I set clear expectations. Until you fall short of my expectations, I tell them, you've got my implicit trust. But trust is a two-way street. If I trust you, you've got to trust me, I say, especially if you make a mistake or need help with a drug problem. Come to me. It is OK to ask for help.

What I think, however, won't solve the dilemma of the mother who strayed a boundary with her daughter. So I told the parents to sit down with her and express their concerns without revealing the source. At least for right now, what matters is that they keep intact that bond of trust. Maybe someday they will be able to tell her that even in the name of love, parents make mistakes, too.

William Moyers is the vice president of foundation relations for the Hazelden Foundation and the author of "Broken," his best-selling memoirs, and "A New Day, A New Life." Please send your questions to William Moyers at wmoyers@hazelden.org. To find out more about William Moyers and read his past columns, visit the Creators Syndicate Web page at www.creators.com.