Single File by Susan Deitz

DEAR SUSAN: Responding to Janet about her inconsiderate boyfriend — who calls late for a date — you left out an important option for her. Yes, she could refuse his invitations until he gets the idea, but she could also initiate a conversation with him about how she feels about him and what goes on in her thoughts and emotions when he calls at the last minute for a date. There's nothing like telling the truth with kindness. So much the better if she feels vulnerable doing it; with practice, she'll come to value her core integrity more highly than she does the surface patterns of weakness that keep her silent. — Manny T., Long Island, N.Y.

DEAR MANNY: A beautiful solution beautifully worded. But (you kind of knew this was coming, no?) the biggest hurdle to truth telling is that old devil Fear. With a capital F. Fear of being rejected, fear of starting an argument with a person very much valued, fear of, as they say, "upsetting the apple cart" and having to start looking again for a beloved. Janet — and most of us — stay silent in the big moments of self-defense because we feel intimidated and insecure, fearful of what the other person might retaliate with — and what we ourselves might let loose, a torrent of long-repressed feelings of injustice. And why? Because at bottom, we feel small, smaller than the Other. And so Janet and many others swallow their anger and live with it. Not a very compatible roommate.

DEAR SUSAN: Sorry to pester you again; I know you've heard it all before. But a good friend at the gym has been chatting up a girl there and finally, after months, got her phone number. She blew him off and never even returned his call. Now when he sees her, he doesn't even say hello. I don't blame him, because the same thing happens to me often. I just don't understand why girls give out their numbers if they don't intend to talk to the people. If a woman doesn't want to talk to someone, she shouldn't give out her number. I, for one — and I'm sure my friend feels the same way — would much rather get a flat-out refusal from a girl if she's not all that interested. Am I right? — Marc J., Moline, Ill.

DEAR MARC: Right or wrong, it happens all the time. On both sides of the fence. How often have men on ho-hum first dates asked for women's numbers when the evenings end, knowing full well they never intend to use them? Women, too, give their numbers (or give fictitious ones) just to end conversations and/or have the askers walk away feeling content.

DEAR SUSAN: I read in your column about the woman whose daughter's co-worker has been seeing a man for two years. And in all that time, they have never had sex. Forgive me if I'm wrong, but it seems to me you're saying that they should have sex or the relationship is no good. OK, maybe I'm a bit old-fashioned, but I really don't think there's anything wrong with abstaining from sex if you're not married. Sure, it's important in a marriage, but maybe the man holds her in very high regard and would never seek to compromise her dignity. He may want to do the RIGHT thing.

You never know. I have known quite a few men who, though they became romantically involved with ladies, chose NOT to have sex until they were married. What I'm getting at is that there may be absolutely nothing wrong with the boyfriend. Please don't assume there's something funny about a person who doesn't have sexual intercourse out of wedlock. — Annemarie V., Santa Rosa, Calif.

DEAR ANNEMARIE: As much as I hate to say it, you've got me all wrong. But you're entirely forgiven for getting the wrong impression of this column and my credo for single life. (I bet you're new to this corner and haven't yet gotten a sense of the give-and-take here.) No great error on your part. In fact, maybe it's my bad, because I didn't make myself perfectly clear on the subject of premarital sex. (My "Sexual Bill of Rights" will clear the air once and for all. It's free for the asking.) You see, I'm vehemently opposed to sex outside of caring. When it comes to sex outside of marriage, when two people are committed but not legally wed, well, then I must withdraw from the scene and leave them to make peace with their consciences and with each other. The relationship in question is beyond questioning, because the two people involved are clearly fine with status quo. And no, I don't feel there's something necessarily wrong with committed partners who abstain. I'm not here to judge or to set dogma. That would be coercion, and of all the wrongs in the sexual arena, that is by far the worst. Any decision two partners agree on is fine. Fine for them, which is all that matters.

Write to Susan Deitz in care of this newspaper. She will answer all letters that come with a self-addressed, stamped envelope. Or you may e-mail her at info@creators.com.

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