Single File by Susan Deitz

DEAR SUSAN: My question concerns kissing styles. Is it safe to say that everyone kisses somewhat differently? My problem is that the first three women I dated for some period of time all kissed the same way, and I guess you could say I "learned" how to kiss from the first one. All three basically accepted my tongue in their mouths, and we would "make out" like that for long periods of time. (Their tongues were always kept in their own mouths.) But my current girlfriend presses her tongue into my mouth, exactly the way I do, every time we open our lips. This has been going on for two years!

The trouble is I'm not at all comfortable with a tongue in my mouth — other than my own — for any period of time. So we rarely kiss. I simply don't like the way she kisses, yet I don't want to hurt her feelings. She isn't happy about our lack of kissing, but I'm afraid I've waited so long it may be too late to raise the subject. Is there a non-hurtful way to tell my girlfriend I don't like her style of kissing? Is there a reasonable solution you can suggest? I don't want to break up with her, but a lack of kissing is causing problems, as you can imagine. I'd appreciate your insight and advice. — Gregg Y., Long Island, N.Y.

DEAR GREGG: Hey, Gregg, is it too uncool to put tongue kissing in the same category as intimacy and hold back until a serious love happens by? Tongues are the universal symbols of actual penetration and, thus, the penultimate step before the real thing. Believe it or not, Gregg, there are in this Wayne's World perverse souls who allow the real thing but draw the line at tongue kissing! Wrap your mind around that logic, if you can. (On second thought, don't even try; time is too precious to clutter it with weirdities.) On the planet Venus, kissing means something. And I do suspect that on male Mars, there's much agreement. (You do know my credo that men are the real romantics of our species, no?) Fusing two pairs of lips isn't mere pastime, Gregg; it should (and can) carry the message of caring. When it doesn't, it's reduced to facial acrobatics. I'm afraid that's what you're in the midst of, friend, shallow motions without emotion. Rather silly, actually, in any style.

"SINGLE FILE" TIP: LEAVE AT FIRST SIGHT. Ask any insurance agent about the importance of first impressions and he/she probably will clue you in on the concept of facial acceptance. Believe it or not, there are people whose pleasing faces gain instant access to the beholder's favor. So it occurs to me that the opposite may well be true — that some people have the bad luck to have displeasing exteriors and the negative impressions that go with them.

I wonder whether that thought ever crossed your mind — particularly when you're rejecting someone for a reason you're not quite sure of. If it's simply a matter of packaging — not really the real stuff inside — I urge you to give yourself a moment for a second thought, a moment that refuses to be swayed by impulse. Your comments are welcomed.

DEAR READERS: From now on, readers of my column at http://www.creators.com will be heard almost instantly. In a new microblog underneath my column on that site, readers have a chance to be helpful, angry and just plain curious. Log on and give it a try. It may just work for you. Here are some postings:

From New York City: Susan, your response to Archie from Portland, Ore., was great. Most women in their 40s or older don't place a huge importance on height. It's the younger ones who do. But many short young boys/young men get discouraged; seeds of rejection get planted early that taller is better, that he's being rejected because of a few inches. Tall, dark and handsome is nice, but short and cute ain't bad, either. Thanks, Susan, for writing a great column for single hopefuls. I wish you would target the young women about height.

From New Jersey: Answering Archie's complaint that women don't date shorter men, my fiance is 5 feet 3 inches tall, and I'm 2 inches taller. And I always wear stilettos. ALWAYS. I admit I was hesitant at first about dating him because of his height. I'd always dated much taller men. But when I told my mom that he was really nice but his height made me unsure of dating him a second time, her answer struck a chord: "I didn't raise my daughter to be so superficial." So I gave him another chance. We dated for two years, and now we're engaged. He's a wonderful man — sharp, funny, confident — and I'm a very lucky girl! The irony is that once I let down my guard and pursued a relationship with him, my girlfriends rewrote their own lists of dating standards and started considering guys they NEVER would have looked at in the past. Today they're all in loving, healthy relationships. So, Archie, there are women out there who WILL date shorter men — and they're the smart ones!

From somewhere out West: My guy is 2 inches shorter than I am. (I'm 5 feet 8 inches tall.) We've been married for 20 years, and there's nothing he likes more than to see me in a short skirt with 6-inch heels! So what if I tower over him? We don't care! When I'm all dressed up, the other guys stare at me and envy him. You see, we know we love each other and would go to the ends of the earth to make each other happy. Height has nothing to do with it. So, guys, all that really matters is the size of your heart — nothing else.

SUSAN SAYS: It's not the height of the man; it's the capacity of his heart. Goodness isn't measured in inches, which is why it takes more than a passing glance. Real women take a second look.

Write to Susan Deitz in care of this newspaper. She will answer all letters that come with a self-addressed, stamped envelope. Or you may e-mail her at info@creators.com. Write or e-mail her for your free "Declaration of Undependence" on parchment.

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