Single File by Susan Deitz

DEAR SUSAN: I have read your column for years and appreciate your insight on the positive things that can come from being single. I've been divorced for six years and look back with fondness on the experiences I've had as a woman on her own. I really like who I've grown to be and feel good about successfully raising my 8-year-old daughter, managing a career and maintaining good relationships with family and close friends.

Now, the problem. I have been dating a newly divorced man for six months. We love each other deeply and care greatly about what is best for each other. The thing is I'm further along the divorce recovery path, ready to enter a committed relationship. He's much more focused on his own personal growth, such as going through school to change careers, exploring where he wants to live and adjusting to his changing relationship with his young adult children as they naturally move away from their parents. Having gone through that valuable period myself, I fully appreciate how important it is. I also know that over time, he will become strong on who he is as a single person. He will heal and be ready for a more committed relationship. Right now, he doesn't want to see other people and enjoys sharing his feelings and experiences with me. I do believe he truly loves me.

Should I stay in a relationship with a man who isn't ready for commitment because love is precious and hard to find, or should I move on and look for someone who is also looking for a long-term committed relationship? I must admit my reason for questioning is my own fear of being hurt if he should decide to stop seeing me. — Catherine C., Long Island, N.Y.

DEAR CATHERINE: Self-preservation is nothing to be ashamed of, even in love. (Especially in love, perhaps, with its unique wounding!) Anyway, be proud — very proud — of your healthy protective instinct. The two of you are at different places in life, and there is a possibility his personal growth will take him away from you. I suggest a quiet, private dialogue, no phone ringing and no family intruding, to explain that and to hear what he has to say. The give and take between you is sure to open other feelings beneath the surface, fears that until now have been guarded. It's time to speak openly, trusting in the bond between you to bring about a sense of where the relationship is going. It seems to me you need to be released from the monogamy he wants and allowed the freedom you want.

The two of you are free agents right now, and you should feel that way. By all means, talk out your mixed feelings, and encourage him to do the same. If this is something real and forever, it will come to pass. Let it breathe.

DEAR SUSAN: Your column is incredibly saturated with people's whining about their being nice and all the evil people who don't appreciate it. I know; love is difficult, and we're all nice people with tender souls waiting to be finally noticed for our true, inner beauty, and it's terribly sad it hasn't happened to everyone! I offer two shocking propositions: A) Nobody really cares, and B) there is no such thing as a nice person. The truth is no one is losing sleep about your pathetic love life except you, and nice people are just people who have decided the best way to attract a mate is to appeal to his or her emotional side. We live in a society ruled by self-interest, so it's ironic that all these nice lonely people are afraid to introduce themselves to others. Unquestionably, the root of the issue is personal protection. Letting people know we're interested gives them power over us, the power to hurt us. So we spend our lives hoping for the perfect situation, which, of course, never comes, and eventually hope is replaced by regret.

The reality is that none of us is so nice, as time always proves, regardless of our gender. If someone of the opposite sex says you're "nice," "like a brother/sister" or "a good friend," he or she sees you as boring and thus unattractive. Attractive people make hearts flutter; nice people help move furniture. The world isn't ideal. If faking is the game you want to play, you'll find much more success faking power or beauty than you will faking common niceness. — Phil D., Portland, Ore.

DEAR PHIL: How long can the faking game last? Masks slip with time, and if the human underneath isn't livable, decent and compassionate, the game is up — for good. But if someone's essence comes across as companionable, warm and inclusive, no need for strategic maneuvers. No, the wisdom of life (radical though it may be) is to relax and simply be. Yes, admittedly it takes humungous courage to strip yourself of pretense and give yourself up to being seen for who you are. But in the long — and short — run, it's the only payoff that satisfies. It feels good to be authentic because those signals go out and practically command allegiance. Humans are drawn to goodness, as they are drawn to light and music. It is a soul connection — like Beatles music — and there is nothing more real.

Write to Susan Deitz in care of this newspaper. She will answer all letters that come with a self-addressed, stamped envelope. Or you may e-mail her at info@creators.com.

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