DEAR SUSAN: I know plenty of good human beings who happen to be male. But like many of my female friends, I'm basically satisfied with my life. There is nothing I want so badly that I'm willing to endure the downside of a sexual relationship in order to get it. And many of my friends feel the same. Romantic relationships are far more trouble than they're worth. Even in the face of active discrimination by couples (and some individuals) who believe being in a relationship is the be-all and end-all of life, on a day-to-day basis voluntary celibacy is far better than the drama I see around me in male-female relationships every day. Now, it's imaginably possible this might change one day, but I'm not looking for anyone at present. What about that is so hard to understand? — From the "Single File" blog

DEAR BLOGGER: B-b-but — this advice columnist is sputtering because a close friend of hers is fresh from a badly ended romance, and I feel her pain. She was ecstatic at first, delirious that she had found the man who embodied all she wanted. On his end, he impulsively promised to make basic changes in his life that would accommodate their newfound love. But as time dragged on, with no action on his part, the love between them foundered. Yes, she cried and wailed and resolved never again to feel love, but in a very short time even that resolution changed. Today she is again in her productive life, busy and gratified by other kinds of relationships — and so very grateful for the love she felt. Knowing she is capable of loving someone so deeply is what she is focusing on, not their sour disillusion. Even with the tears shed, she feels she's a better woman. It's those feelings, of life and love, that you're missing out on by barricading yourself against them. And sometimes the drama of love has a happy ending. It's a gamble, for sure; so is crossing the street. But those love feelings are worth the risk of being hurt. At least I think so.

DEAR SUSAN: In a relationship, fidelity is giving yourself to one and only one. Infidelity is the opposite of that. There is no ownership. — From the "Single File" blog

DEAR BLOGGER: Yet some lovers feel their relationship gives them property rights, meaning total ownership of the partner they consider property. That mentality is the underlying cause of swinging, swapping and nonstop ogling of the other gender. When a relationship is wide-open, lovers are firmly assured of their partner's love but are free to pursue interests and friendships without the partner's jealousy or possessiveness. The relationship is strong, committed and closed sexually. But when it is unsure, tenuous and immature, partners feel smothered by the other's grip, possessed. They may feel flattered by that at first — pleased that their lover wants them so much — but in a short period of time, that wears off. The feelings that remain are not remotely close to the real thing.

DEAR SUSAN: A recent "Single File" blogger made a comment that is very enlightening and so true. It's the little things that make someone unique. — From the "Single File" blog

DEAR BLOGGER: Agreed. Those "little things" can bring you breathtakingly close to each other, but they can also drive a Mack truck-sized wedge between you. For me, those little things aren't really so small. Such as? The way the person treats the waiter in a restaurant or offers an arm to help a disabled person cross the street, the way he/she gently takes your hand to hold. Want more little things? The way he/she watches you enter a revolving door to make sure you're safe, the way he/she disagrees without being disagreeable, the way he/she passes the bread — gently, lovingly or matter-of-factly — more interested in you than the food. And then there's humor. Does he/she have the light touch — make you smile or laugh out loud once in a while? Does he/she understand your brand of humor? Yes, indeed it is small things that can add up to large emotions that can tip the boat or bring you both to safe harbor. Think small.

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