Junk Sex by Susan Deitz on Creators.com

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Junk Sex

DEAR SUSAN: The recent column about sex was thought-provoking and, in a sense, somewhat painful to read. I admire you for writing about those experiences and feelings. I found it ironic that your piece came along when it did, because just a few days before it was published, I realized what it is about "That '70s Show" I cannot stand. (Every night, someone in my family turns it on.) The show gives such a distorted view of the loss of virginity! And it is seen every night by millions of young people. What must they think when they're bombarded with what you refer to as "junk sex"? Mass culture makes it difficult to think about the issues you raise and the advice you give. Thanks for doing so. — Brent D., Long Island, N.Y.

DEAR BRENT: Being a thinking person, Brent, you have within yourself a personal adviser, a sense of right and wrong. Clearly, yours is developed enough to buck the tide of mess (not a typo) culture and live by your own moral compass. But it takes time (and oodles of life lessons) to arrive at the point that you can confidently ignore the pundits and steer through life guided by that compass. Wondrously, that sense of right and wrong is intrinsic; we're wired to be decent people. It's only when we get lazy and allow other people to do our thinking that we get into trouble. Left to our own devices, we're OK people. (More than OK, if you ask me — as witness, soup kitchens and homeless shelters for our fellow man.) But when static (e.g., a lousy television show) disconnects us from our basic nature, the compass wobbles, and the best part of our nature can fall into shadow. That won't happen to you, Brent. You're on the case.

AUGMENTER OR DIMINISHER? It's time for a checkup that's anything but routine. Yes, it's that time again to take a close-up assessment of your relationships. (Not just the romantic ones, if you please.) Family members, friends — anyone important in your personal universe is eligible for this checkup.

This is to gauge the health of your relationships — no health insurance needed. The determining factor? How they make you feel, the quality of respect and caring they bring to your life. After you are with them, is your spirit buoyed or squelched? Do you walk away smiling or anxious? Relaxed or tense? Feeling better about life and yourself or worried about the condition of both? I bet you've not thought about these issues recently, in the bustle of world and local events. But it's time you did. For your own sake. (Self-interest, different from selfishness.) You deserve to be with people who enrich your life. Time to start that checkup.

DEAR SUSAN: This is in response to the letter from Jonathan J. of Santa Rosa, Calif. He wrote about his girlfriend's bisexual tendencies. I once dated a woman who also had "curiosity," as he puts it — only hers was to interact sexually with children. She didn't offend when we were together, but I made it very clear that we couldn't continue unless she addressed the problem. The relationship blew up. I now understand from friends in law enforcement that she is with a man who regularly travels with her to Cambodia (the sex capital of the world for pedophiles). Tell Jonathan to run, not walk, away. — James K., Portland, Maine

DEAR JAMES: Pure wisdom, born of (sad to say) an awful experience. (Buddhists believe such are the lessons we remember longest, burned into the psyche by fear and revulsion.) Much appreciated, I'm sure, by Jonathan and other readers out there in Readerland. Your letter triggered a personal memory of mine, of a handsome, rugged lieutenant who, for no special occasion, gave me a huge bottle of Joy, considered at that time the costliest in the world. What was wrong with that picture? His voice went up an octave when he handed me the bottle, and in a flash, I saw the woman beneath the uniform. It seems that memory stayed with me. The point being? Intimacy — in and out of the bedroom — can bring out the deepest parts of the psyche, some not so very pretty. But when they emerge, don't talk yourself out of them. Flee.

Write to Susan Deitz in care of this newspaper. She will answer all letters that come with a self-addressed, stamped envelope. Or you may e-mail her at info@creators.com.