BFF? by Susan Deitz on Creators.com - A Syndicate Of Talent

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BFF?

DEAR SUSAN: In all my 45 years, I've neither married nor had children. A year ago, after he had spent four years with me, my 49-year-old boyfriend decided we "fought" too much and wanted his freedom. (He had given me no previous indication that he wanted out except for his starting "friendships" with 19-year-old girls at his work.) I left him a year ago after he had stayed out all night, which was totally out of character for him. He told me I didn't have to leave and said the same to my brother when he went to pick up my belongings.

This man was my best friend. He bought me wonderful things. We talked for hours on end. One time, he asked me to move in with him. (I didn't.) The problem is I haven't gotten over him and think about him every day. I suffer from depression and myriad health problems but somehow manage to dredge through life. I'm not someone who can enjoy being single; looking through personal ads literally scares me. The trouble is I feel I will never make a connection like the one I had. My ex even had the audacity to say I'll always be his best friend! Yet he doesn't contact me. Any advice would be extremely appreciated. — Audrey A., Long Island, N.Y.

DEAR AUDREY: With friends like him, you don't need enemies! But in a way, he's released you to discover what makes you tick and, in the process, become your own BFF, the ally who will be alongside until the last day. Imagine, instead of clinging to the wreckage of a failed relationship, you could be building inner strength and a self-directed future. By doing so, you'll make better choices in partners because you'll understand why you chose them. Makes great good sense to me; how about you? Isn't it about time you did something to lift the depression (improving your health in the process) by getting to its roots? Chances are there's a lot of anger hiding underneath, spoiling your chances for happiness.

This single space could be the perfect time to dig it out once and for all. Yes, it takes courage to start digging, but can you think of any reasons you shouldn't? I certainly can't. Go to it.

DEAR SUSAN: Your column about togetherness was incredibly spot on. I've been married for 31 years, and it's getting old, with the "honey, do" lists and the lack of acceptance for some of my non-neurotic behavior. Many straws break the camel's back, none specifically. Allowing some space and being trusting keeps it together. Your column expressed very well the feelings that build up. I see a relationship as an opportunity to grow and share, but when the humor and fun aren't there, I must ask myself why I am continuing this. Especially as one grows older and realizes nothing will change. I will go to therapy, even as she refuses to, to avoid simply reacting.

Wanted to say how apropos that column was. The timing was impeccable. — Perry H., Moline Ill.

DEAR PERRY: My words must have hit a nerve, and you were ready to hear them. But this is also a good time to go beyond the printed word to hear your own inner thoughts spoken aloud in the room of truth I so believe in. Yes, follow your instincts and enter therapy, even if you must go alone. The insights waiting there are astonishing, a one-of-a-kind education you will never regret. It will release you, change you, soften you in a way nothing else can. Those changes will radiate into your marriage and every other relationship; you'll see. They may persuade you to end your marriage, or they may not. The point is that whatever decision you finally make will be from self-knowledge, not anger or impulse. And you will arrive at it in your own good time, for your own good reasons. Ending a long marriage is — and should be — a difficult decision, done for the right reasons after much introspection. My sense is that your temperament makes you a good candidate and that this is the right time. I send kudos.

Write to Susan Deitz in care of this newspaper. She will answer all letters that come with a self-addressed, stamped envelope. Or you may e-mail her at info@creators.com.