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Interplay
DEAR SUSAN: No disrespect intended, but as a happily married woman, I have a take on fellow blogger J's situation: J, I've seen many of your posts, and in my eyes, you sound entitled and desperate. You constantly make references to …Read more.
Single Land
DEAR SUSAN: One of my fellow bloggers still seems a bit upset that he hasn't found a keeper yet. Well, I was in the same position he is. In fact, I have been in "single land" since 2007 and most likely will be for the rest of my time. But …Read more.
Digging
DEAR SUSAN: My definition of singlehood is not having a significant other. I'm reminded of my own singleness every day when I see couples together — contrasted with the way singles are treated. I personally have no desire to stay unmarried. …Read more.
Common Cause
DEAR SUSAN: I find that most angry/bitter single people are that way because they are trying to date "up" instead of looking for someone who has more in common with them financially and in terms of appearance and fitness. Think about it! …Read more.
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'Nice' Explained
DEAR SUSAN: I'd like to try to explain the reason women seem to have no interest in nice guys. It's not that NICE turns them off; it's that the kind of guys women DO want know they don't HAVE to be nice. First, we must agree that the two traits women care about most are physical appearance and financial status. Let's not argue about this. We all know it's true, whether women want to admit it or not. Any woman who disagrees is lying.
Now, imagine you are a man who is handsome and has money. Ever since your teenage years, girls and women have been interested in you. Even when you HAVE a girlfriend, women want you. As soon as you break up with one, there are five more right there who want you. If you cheat, your girlfriend takes you back. If you lie or forget an important anniversary, she forgives you.
A handsome guy with money may actually BE nice, but he learns he doesn't have to be. He can take the easy way out. When he's selfish and insensitive, it doesn't hurt him, because there will always be women who want him. An "average Joe" won't have as easy a time finding another woman if he screws up, so to him, being nice may be natural, but he HAS to be nice. If he's not, she's gone. This is proved by the following: Find me a rich, handsome guy who, nice or not, can't get a date.
Women will obviously hate my saying this, because it implies they're superficial. Well, they are, just like men. The problem is that women don't like to admit that their failure to find good guys is partially their own doing. They prefer to blame it all on men and a lack of available nice guys. It's easier that way.
So, ladies, stop pretending that you want a nice guy, as if NICE were the most important quality, when you really want a hot guy with a fat wallet who HAPPENS to be nice. In that order. — Jon T., Long Island, N.Y.
DEAR JON: What really gets my goat (the one tied up in the backyard) is your concept of having it all. Do you really believe having money and hot looks takes out the bumps in the road? No way. Adonis can fall in love and be rejected for some reason or another (vanity could be one) and pine for eons because she won't have him. And the five (or 55) women waiting in the wings can't take her place. Love makes its object irreplaceable, and no one can understudy. But back to the matter at hand and women's penchant for the hotties. Well, I know some beauties who purposely gravitate to the UN-hotties because they're tired of being liked solely for their packaging. They want a real partner who relates to them for who they are. And don't kid yourself; niceness counts in both sexes. Then again, there are always exceptions; some people don't want niceness. There was a man who said I was nice as if complaining. He didn't want nice; he really wanted someone who would confirm his antagonism to women. And yes, he was good-looking with pots of money. And I was out the door. So, Jon, it's a big world out there with lots of personalities to deal with.
WARREN FARRELL WORKSHOP. Warren is hosting a workshop for singles at Esalen (in Big Sur, Calif.) March 26-28. He guarantees that you'll feel better about the other sex and that you'll learn how to attract the partner you want. If he doesn't give you those tools, he guarantees a 100 percent tuition refund. E-mail him (warren@warrenfarrell.com) for more information.
DEAR SUSAN: I'm a regular reader and want to confirm Jimmy's comments about height issues. I recently scanned 200 women on Match.com, and all of them require their ideal mate to be between 5 feet 5 inches and 6 feet 10 inches tall. That eliminates me because I measure by the yardstick at just 5 feet tall. I'm now 50, but I look much younger. However, women have always avoided me because of this "handicap." Is it possible that women equate tall men with larger hard drives? (I'm training to be a computer engineer, so excuse the wit.) — Archie A., Portland, Ore.
DEAR ARCHIE: Well, women out there in Readerland, fess up. Is the reason biological? Is a man no more than the sum of his (private) parts? Is his worth/character/integrity measured in inches — aka height, sexual prowess. When you need a shoulder to lean on, is he too short to qualify? Do the glances from the crowd matter when he's a great guy and the two of you harmonize so well? C'mon, ladies. Do me proud and give the short man a break. A good man is the best friend you can have, and height has nothing to do with it. Yes, men short on humor, on smiling, on sharing need not apply. All the rest are fair game.
Write to Susan Deitz in care of this newspaper. She will answer all letters that come with a self-addressed, stamped envelope. Or you may e-mail her at info@creators.com.
COPYRIGHT 2010 CREATORS.COM
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Comments
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11 Comments | Post Comment
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Susan:
I couldn't disagree more. Not only does the typical woman NOT want a nice guy, she will use his niceness against him as one more reason to show him the door. Jon is one million percent right and you just couldn't be more wrong!!!
Comment: #1
Posted by: Mickey
Thu Feb 11, 2010 11:52 PM
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Jon is definitely wrong. I used to only like hot, rich men...when I was 20 something! Now I'm in my early 40's, twice divorced. I have the best boyfriend ever. He's nice to me, considerate, opens doors, talks to me for hours, and does hundreds of little things that all add up to one big happiness party. So you know, I look about 10 years younger than I am, haven't gained 40 punds in the past 10 years and I'm still considered pretty hot myself. About my man? Well, he's 19 years older than I, 2 inches shorter, 50 pounds overweight, and I made $3000 MORE than he did last year. Not many women, especially my girlfriends, find him attractive, but I think he's really hot because he's SUCH a great guy. I swore off hot guys with money a long time ago, because they almost always cheat and I was sick of fighting off other women because it always stoked his ego. Yup, got tired of the game players and found a real man....one my girlfriends refer to as "Mr. Toad", but whatever, this is a really fantastic wild ride!
Comment: #2
Posted by: N
Fri Feb 12, 2010 3:35 AM
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Thought: Perhaps Jon should evaluate the type of woman he pursues. Is he only willing to consider hot younger women? The ones that actually have access to rich hot men? There is some truth to what he says but I find that such complaints often come from men that are looking at women well out of their league. People really need to look at others on their level. If you're a 5, you're not entitled to a 9 or 10. If it happens, great, but don't go through life making excuses as to why they're just not interested. People who base their choice of a partner on shallow criteria will get a shallow partner in return, then they get up set that the partner is shallow. What did you expect? Something to consider.
Comment: #3
Posted by: Kim
Fri Feb 12, 2010 8:25 AM
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Susan can't read between the lines: if she's not sure the guy describing himself is nice, well of course he is — just ask him! Hahahahaha!
If you want to see some open-eyed awareness of "nice" guys, read http://www.heartless-bitches.com/rants/niceguys/ng.shtml
Who knows; if you have a working brain, you might learn something.
Comment: #4
Posted by: OccamShave
Fri Feb 12, 2010 2:10 PM
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The whole nice issue, in my experience, stems from some men being too nice: A contrieved niceness that zaps him of personality and individuality and is the killer of all romance and female interest - at least for this female.
I've met these men a few times and they are great guys - and yes, some even had what other men, like Jon, believe to be the recipe for success with the opposite sex; a guy I went out with a couple of times was a successful architect, had a beautiful house, motorbike, porche...you name it. He was polite, intelligent, tall, dark and handsome - he was ready to settle down, and loved his family, but he was too nice. He would agree with everything I said, and I mean absolutely everything, even the things I suddenly found myself saying just to see if I could get a reaction out of him. Everything was about me, what would I like? What did I prefer? How great and perfect I was! It drove me absolutely crazy - and not in a good way. So guys, yes, be nice, but be yourselves! Believe it or not, we are actually interested in getting to know YOU, and it's not a deal breaker if you prefer to go to a car show with your friends than take a pottery class with your date.
Personality is a great thing in a guy and most the women I know will take a great personality over great looks any day of the week. In fact, I went to university with a guy who was maybe 1.60 m tall, painfully skinny, with mousy brown hair, a sharp nose, pale blue eyes and freckles, loads and loads of freckles - and we were swooning over him, because he was witty, funny, intelligent, self-confident, sweet and yes, sexy, because of his great personality. Unfortunately for us, he had a girlfriend. :)
I am now happily married to a guy who is nice and who thinks I'm great, but he knows I'm not perfect, instead he loves me AND my flaws, and he doesn't agree with everything I say or even share the same interests as me. Our relationship is real, though, and not based on some idolized fairy tale version of each other.
Comment: #5
Posted by:
Sun Feb 14, 2010 10:30 AM
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Susan, I consider myself a nice guy who wants someone not soley for their packageing, but yet hot women don't pick me. Why can't I want/have both--the inside and outside? There's been no beauty that has gravitated toward this UN-hottie--at least that must be what I am for women aren't lined up at my door. So Susan where are these women that want a man that relates to them for what they are? Where?
Comment: #6
Posted by: Jack Olds
Mon Feb 15, 2010 8:01 AM
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Susan, I don't believe I have hot looks or a lot of money--I'm average so where are these beauties that gravitate toward UN-hotties? I don't want a woman for just her packaging, but why can't I have both the inside and outside? I consider myself a nice guy so where is she? WHere? I see jerks with beauties everyday and wonder what I have done wrong or not doing right. I have a life so where is this someone to share it with? What gives?
Comment: #7
Posted by: Jack Olds
Mon Feb 15, 2010 8:30 AM
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Susan, you never explained why nice guys don't get the woman. You only said some beauties go after the Un-hotties--is that what nice guys are Un-hotties? In an earlier column you equated nice guys with not having a life--well what about the ones that do? Why do men feel bitterness? Was it because the hottie picked the jerk and then conplain where the nice guys are? Its like Jon said women have no interest in nice guys. I don't know if I totally agree with his reasoning, but how many other excuses can you come up with Susan?
Comment: #8
Posted by: Jack Olds
Mon Feb 15, 2010 5:52 PM
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Dear susan:I really need to hear from mothers that had to leave their homes. After 20 years of marriage ,leaving was the only way to take my next breath, as time went on it became evident that I made the right decision. my problem is that above and beyond the many changes that occur post seperation/divorce, I also have to deal with being alone in an apartment without my children. I should just say without my children. My boys are college age,independent,and fantastic. I can't seem to move past not being part of their everyday lives. They are also at an age that hanging with mom is not very appealing. logically i know it will be ok, emotionally i feel i have lost them.I'm dating, I go out with friends, have a wonderful family,I'm healthy,I have a great job, how do I get past this, I can't seem to move forward. Your column has helped me get through some similarities in other situations, thank you. I have not read about woman who have left ,are you out there, can you help.
Comment: #9
Posted by: marilyn
Mon Feb 15, 2010 7:17 PM
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"the two traits women care about most are physical appearance and financial status. Let's not argue about this. We all know it's true, whether women want to admit it or not. Any woman who disagrees is lying."
EXCUSE me? This is really offensive.
I'm an old lady now, very happily married to an ordinary looking guy who--when I fell in love with him--made a lot less than I did. Before I retired, I made plenty of money of my own, and I've never given a rat's left hind foot how much anyone else made, including the guys I dated. When young, I was quite attractive, and I resented guys who pursued me for that--so I never took a guy's appearance into account as long as he wasn't bum-dirty or something.
I'm glad I didn't know the LW--I wouldn't have dated him, but it's not because he's not attractive or rich. I hope I would have recognized a nasty nasty misogynist in time to say "no" the first time he asked. If not, I would have wasted one evening, but there sure wouldn't have been a second.
Comment: #10
Posted by:
Wed Jun 30, 2010 12:18 PM
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Jack Olds, I wish you'd check your mirror and your calendar. You complain almost daily because beautiful women don't flock to you.
Check your mirror. How gorgeous is the guy who's looking back at you?
Subtract the year you were born from 2010. That will give you your age.
Look around for nice women your age who are about as attractive as you are. They still might not like you--because you apparently think someone similar to you isn't good enough for you. But at least you'll know they're there.
Comment: #11
Posted by:
Wed Jun 30, 2010 12:29 PM
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