Chances -- Dialogue by Susan Deitz on Creators.com

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Strength DEAR SUSAN: Thanks for reminding women not to appear too strong when they're out. — Glenda F., Long Island, N.Y. DEAR GLENDA: Which column was it that inspired your gratitude? The one about handling a credit card with dignity and not mopping …Read more. Therapist Mistake DEAR SUSAN: As a therapist (with a doctorate), I feel terribly guilty about a recent ordeal with a client. I made an advance toward this beautiful woman I was counseling. I couldn't help myself because I felt she returned my feelings. (We're both …Read more. Stylish Kissing DEAR SUSAN: My question concerns kissing styles. Is it safe to say that everyone kisses somewhat differently? My problem is that the first three women I dated for some period of time all kissed the same way, and I guess you could say I …Read more. Cougar Land DEAR SUSAN: This is for all the 20-something women who can't find guys. I know where they are: with me, the 40-year-old woman. No, I'm not a cougar out hunting — quite the opposite. The 20-year-old guys are the catalysts! When I tell them they …Read more.

DEAR SUSAN: You raise the issue of "can you forgive and forget?" and I need to chime in because my significant other flirts with other women, in front of me and behind my back. I'm ashamed to say I miss him terribly when he's not with me, despite his roaming eyes. I did forgive him once, and a part of me is tempted to forgive again, but I don't want more hurt. I am unhappy without him, yet when he acts this way, he makes me feel worthless. Of course, once again, he's promising behavior modification, but I don't know what to do. Can one truly forgive and forget? Should we make a "three strikes and you're out" rule, or are two enough? — Ursula T., Long Island, N.Y.

MY ORIGINAL RESPONSE: No matter how badly you "miss" your bad boy, the fact that he makes you feel worthless is the final verdict. There's no going back to a relationship that diminishes you. Ever. The primary lesson of singleness is to stay with people who feel good about themselves, augmenters, because they will lift you up to their level. (Its dark underside is to avoid diminishers — like the one in question — whose low self-images can only pull you down to their level. Keep that lesson in mind, particularly when you find yourself pining away for this flirtatious abuser. Love, mutual love, is the building of friendship between partners; you can't be friends with someone who doesn't treat you well. I wish you good things with good people.

URSULA'S SECOND LETTER. Dear Susan, seeing your response today brought tears to my eyes. You see, I officially broke up with this man yesterday, after having daily phone contact and three dates since writing you the first letter. Why did I make that decision yesterday (when I probably could have easily been swayed the other way)? Because once again, he viciously lied to me. The topic of the lie isn't the issue. The point is he can't be trusted on any level.

Today is the first day in three years I haven't spoken to him, and so far he has respected my wishes and hasn't phoned.

Your letter just validated the fact that my decision to vacate the relationship was my only choice. I do miss him — yes, something awful — but I draw strength from people like you, from good friends and other people who truly love me and want only the best for me. Each day should be a little easier, and one day I'll look back and wonder what I saw in him in the first place. You have been "good people" in my life. Please keep up the wonderful work. I wish YOU only good things.

DEAR SUSAN: I don't think I have hot looks or a lot of money. I'm about average. So where are those beauties who gravitate toward "un-hotties"? I don't want a woman for her packaging only, but why can't I have both the inside and the outside? I consider myself a nice guy, so where is she? Where? I see jerks with beauties every day. I wonder what I'm doing wrong. I have a life, so where is the someone to share it? What gives? — From the Internet

DEAR BLOGGER: Hey. Life isn't an entitlement program. Just because you're a nice guy doesn't mean you automatically link up with a well-packaged mate. Niceness is certainly job No. 1, but there has to be more, much more, before some delicious confection finds you delectable. You have a life, according to you, but what are you doing with it? Any plans? Dreams? Blueprints for a future she'd want to be part of? Your looks and your bank account may be strictly average today, but what about your tomorrows? Will she be part of an interesting future?

While you're musing on that, I suggest you take a vacation — a long one — from desperation. It's off-putting and self-defeating. Besides, most people in singleworld know that you can't hurry love. It's not a do-it-yourself project. The harder one works at it the farther you stay from your goal. Relax, friend. Lots of people are in the same boat, the USS Lonely. But the wise ones are using their energy changing the parts of their lives that can be changed and looking around at the possibilities while they're doing it. They're always open to love, but they're not chasing it like hounds. Ahem.

Write to Susan Deitz in care of this newspaper. She will answer all letters that come with a self-addressed, stamped envelope. Or you may e-mail her at info@creators.com. Write or e-mail her for your free "Declaration of Undependence" on parchment.