Not Your Grandfather's Christmas by Rob Kyff on Creators.com

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Not Your Grandfather's Christmas

Have you ever wondered how certain Christmas classics might be rendered using today's lingo? ...

Dear Editor:

I am 8 years old. Some of my friends are trying to throw Santa Claus under the bus. Is Santa Claus, like, real? — Virginia

Dear Virginia:

Your little friends just don't get it. They refuse to buy into any paradigm that isn't transparent. They think nothing exists that's not on MTV, Facebook or YouTube. That's why they're swiftboating Santa Claus.

Absolutely, Virginia, there is a Santa Claus. Clearly, he's not your grandfather's Santa Claus, but he still has street cred and bona fides. Santa Claus gone missing? A thousand years from now, he'll still have a robust carbon footprint.

From "It's a Wonderful Life" ...

"Now, what's your bottom line, Mr. Potter?"

"My bottom line? My bottom line is, I want to hire you. I want you to focus on the day-to-day management operations so I can engage in strategic planning and globalization and spend more time with my family."

"But you don't have a family, Mr. Potter ..."

"No matter. I'll start you out at $20 million a year."

"Does that include stock options, chauffeured limousine service and a signing bonus?"

"I'm going to have to kick the can down the road on those perks.

First, I have to ramp up a leveraged buyout; this sub-prime mess has hijacked my agenda. Hey, I'm not going to have to waterboard you to get you to sign on, am I?"

"Gee, no, Mr. Potter. I just wanted to earmark some low-hanging fruit for my financial silo."

From Charles Dickens' "A Christmas Carol" ...

"Yo!" cried Scrooge, calling down to a tween.

"Wassup?"

"What day is it?"

"It's Christmas Day! And they're predicting a wintry mix."

"So Christmas hasn't gone missing! After those three cautionary tales last night, I need to find a way forward."

"Sounds like a plan."

"Do you know the mixed-use, residential-retail complex around the corner?"

"You mean Greenback Square?"

"Yeah. Go there and buy the most obese, free-range, fair-traded, hormone-free goose fed with seed corn you can scope out. Bring back a canary in a coal mine too, and I'll toss you some bling-bling."

"Gold bless us, everyone."

Rob Kyff, a teacher and writer in West Hartford, Conn., invites your language sightings. Send your reports of misuse and abuse, as well as examples of good writing, via e-mail to Wordguy@aol.com or by regular mail to Rob Kyff, Creators Syndicate, 5777 W. Century Blvd., Suite 700, Los Angeles, CA 90045.