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Responding to Poor Judgment
Dear Margo: This past year has been amazing for me. I successfully passed my first semester in college with a 4.0 while juggling friends and a job. I have a very goal-oriented boyfriend who is compassionate to boot! We have a lot in common and …Read more.
If It's Something Dire, You Will Know About It
Dear Margo: My husband is an only child in his late 30s. My father-in-law is terribly selfish. We live several states away, and because he's the only blood relative left, my spouse does his best to keep in touch with his father. It is rarely …Read more.
What's Up with That?
Dear Margo: I really don't know what to do about my mother. It's as though she's made a career out of not listening to what I say ... or she's dedicated herself to doing the opposite. Right after I told her I was going on a diet and staying away …Read more.
Guess What: Not Everyone Is Kind
Dear Margo: My husband, our children and I recently moved to a new town. Through the children, really, I've met a group of women. They apparently are longtime friends, and one of them invited me to their Wednesday mothers group for lunch. I have to …Read more.
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Get a Grip and Get Out
Dear Margo: You're a bright woman. Maybe you can get through to me and other idiots like me who won't listen to others' warnings — or even to their own rational minds.
For seven years, I've tried to hold on to my boyfriend, even though he plays crazy mind games like interpreting events "differently," always in his favor and always my fault, and saying things like "I love you" and "We're breaking up" in the same sentence, and then calling two days later to ask me to the latest family event. He ruins every single occasion with fights or no gift or whatever else he can cook up. (Tonight is his birthday, and he "remembered the conversation differently" after earlier asking me to dinner with his family and then standing me up again.) My family and friends are tired of hearing these stories, so I don't talk to anybody about him now.
This guy has made it plain that he doesn't want to move in with me, marry me or now even have sex with me since we lost a baby last year. He so obviously does me wrong while "loving" me, but I am too old (48), introverted and lacking in self-confidence to make the obvious retreat. I depend so heavily on this relationship. I'm on antidepressants and feel like nobody else could or would take on such a mess. I need something else to latch on to if I'm going to escape. He's actually the closest friend I have. — Not So Footloose
Dear Not: Don't always believe what you think. You've imagined you can't get away from this lout, but the choice is yours. You sound somewhere between desperate for a relationship and masochistic. I mean it when I say this: Get a dog. You clearly know this guy is destructive, so why not listen to your rational self and the other people in your life? No one can drag you away from him, but you can walk. I hope you will do just that. Should you stay, you are a glutton for punishment and thereby forfeit the right to complain. Believe me, being alone is better than being with a &*$#. — Margo, confidently
Whatever You Do, Tune Out Granny
Dear Margo: My 15-year-old daughter was date raped. I didn't find out about it for a couple of months afterward. I've been trying to get her into counseling, but she just won't go. She insists she's fine and won't talk to me about it at all. She just tells me to leave her alone. I am devastated and worried that down the road she'll have trouble in relationships due to the unaddressed issues stemming from this sexual assault. My mother says to just leave her alone. However, she also views the rape as "no big deal, since every woman's first time is less than ideal." I can't make her see a therapist, but I'm so worried this is going to scar her for life. What do I do? — Terrified in New Jersey
Dear Ter: Your daughter could be in denial (less pain that way), or she may actually think she is fine. She knows the backstory, you don't, and for whatever reason she's not willing to discuss it. The delay in your finding out suggests she either felt ashamed or recast the situation over time. Forcing someone into therapy (if it's even possible) when she is resistant is pointless. She may well have trouble down the line, in which case she would likely be more open to counseling.
As for her grandmother, now there's someone who needs therapy! To consider date rape "less than ideal" for the "first time" is like equating serious food poisoning with not having such a great lunch. I hope Granny has not passed on her lunacy to your daughter. For anyone to try to diminish the impact of what happened would be beyond destructive and in no way helpful. — Margo, assuredly
Dear Margo is written by Margo Howard, Ann Landers' daughter. All letters must be sent via e-mail to dearmargo@creators.com. Due to a high volume of e-mail, not all letters will be answered.
COPYRIGHT 2010 MARGO HOWARD
DISTRIBUTED BY CREATORS.COM
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Comments
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8 Comments | Post Comment
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LW1: You've indeed, as Margo says, fallen into the trap of thinking that it's better to be miserable than be alone. From what you've told us, it doesn't sound like you're getting anything out of this relationship. Before you even think about "starting over" with someone else, however, you first need to exit this one and then get your head on straight. Get something going in your life - take a class at your community college, join a gym, take up a new hobby, get more involved in your church, anything really. The idea is to get yourself in contact with people with whom you might have something in common - new friends, in other words. You're in this situation partly because you've come to rely on this lout for all of your interpersonal needs, and now, the thought of walking away from him is horrifying even while you understand that your're not happy and that the relationship isn't healthy. You need to make that first step. Once you've cleared your head and regained a sense of perspective, THEN you can think about finding another "special someone." If you've got something going on in your life and aren't so reliant on your partner, you'll be more attractive to someone anyway. Nobody sane and healthy, likes emotionally needy people.
Comment: #1
Posted by: Matt
Thu Jan 28, 2010 9:44 PM
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I would also warn LW1 that this mind-game playing anti-boyfriend sounds as messed up as she is, and that when she really tries to break it off, he's going to go all honey on her again because he doesn't like being without his chew toy. Then she's going to go weak in the knees and that same false voice of hope will pipe up yet again. Girl! Tell yourself to quit being stupid and then do it!
Comment: #2
Posted by: Maggie Lawrence
Fri Jan 29, 2010 4:22 AM
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LW2: Try not to panic. At least your daughter told you; my mother has never known about the fact that I was raped in my sleep by my boyfriend when I was an 18-year-old virgin. We have always had a good relationship, but I did not want her to know about it (hey, I was a teenager).
It took me 9 years to admit to myself that it was rape, and then I got counseling at my local rape crisis center. It helped. Time helped. It had to be my choice and in my time, and while yes, it's true that I did engage in a "free love" attitude towards sex when I was in college, I was always careful (condoms and all that) even if not always wise.
It's been part of who I am, and I've been married now for 15 years. My husband and I have talked about it all at length and he was so supportive of my decision to get counseling several years ago. I don't consider myself scarred for life though life does leave its scars on all of us, you know?
It's not uncommon for teenagers to want to avoid counseling for things like this and to just "live in the now" and try to "get over it." Don't try to force her into therapy, and don't hound her about this. Just love her, listen to her, support her when she's ready to deal with it. And for God's sake, don't let her grandmother EVER talk to her about sex, considering her attitude. If I'd told my Mom, I'd have been furious if she's told anyone else without my permission anyway.
You probably do need someone to talk to about this, as a family member of a rape survivor (date raped is raped, by the way; "date rape" is a term that makes it sound less than what it really was). Call your local sexual assault center, or contact RAINN -- there's help out there for survivors' loved ones in addition to those who have survived a rape. Take advantage of it, I urge you. You're a good mom.
Comment: #3
Posted by: D.S.
Fri Jan 29, 2010 5:49 AM
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LW1: At the very least you would benefit from counseling and a support group to help you learn to build up your self esteem. 48 years old is NOT too old to start getting your life together! I hope you will do some volunteer work which is a good way to meet new people and help you feel better about yourself as well as the suggestions that the other responders have given. Get out there and start living your life and break it off with your so called "boyfriend", he isn't really your friend at all! Please get help, you'll find that your family and friends will come back to you and will start to respect you again. Best wishes-I'm pulling for you!
Comment: #4
Posted by: Laurie Sinklier
Fri Jan 29, 2010 9:38 AM
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Dear Not so footloose: You need to get out now. I can relate to your situation in a way. I hung on to my verbally abusive BF for five years. First two breakups he initiated (#1 was because he cheated, #2 because I got drunk off my butt and told his friends what a total jerk he was), and #3 I did after I screwed up my courage which took me about three months of talking to myself about it, to co-workers, and friends. I finally bit the bullet and did it a week after I'd had some surgery and he never called or came to see me while I was recovering. He then had the balls to say he had been about to dump me after he'd gotten settled into his new condo (which I helped him with all the paperwork, etc.). Total JA he was. No clue why it took me so long to wake up, so glad I did though. I met a new guy about six weeks later, the antichrist of the ex, very fun loving and easy going guy, perfect recovery guy. We dated for almost 2 years then he cheated so that was over for good. But went on to meet my now husband shortly after that. You have a lot of issues though and definitely need to talk to someone, whether a good frined, therapist, minister, etc. Talk it out, make a pros and cons list for this guy. You already know he is bad for you , all you have to do is screw up the courage and dump him for good, no allowing him to weasel his way back in (my ex tried to about 2 years after our breakup, guess he realized the good thing he let get away just took him a while). Stick to your guns, dump him, get some new hobbies and interests. You do not need him. Find out who you are and learn to rely on yourself and listen to your instincts. Good luck! -- BTDT
Comment: #5
Posted by: L
Sun Jan 31, 2010 11:52 AM
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Hey Margo...you really blew it on this one. "Terrified" said "I can't make her see a therapist". What a rediculous statement. She is 15...of course you can make her and SHOULD MAKE HER. Of course she will be resistant at first, but therapist are trained and very skilled at drawing information out of their patients. To wait until she's older and is having the anticipated "troubles" is completely irresponsible as a parent, and really is taking the easy way out. DO WHAT'S BEST FOR YOUR CHILD NOW, SO SHE CAN BEGIN TO HEAL NOW!!!!
Comment: #6
Posted by: RyanOnCue
Wed Feb 3, 2010 6:36 AM
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To the woman whose daughter was raped and refuses counseling. I would suggest you call a rape hotline to see if, at the very least, there are things you may do or say to help your daughter until she's ready to get help herself. I'm confident they could give you the best advice.
Comment: #7
Posted by: lynn
Thu Feb 4, 2010 3:51 PM
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Terrified absolutely should not force her daughter to see a therapist. She needs to be the one in charge of her recovery. Rape is a crime designed to make the victim feel competely powerless. She needs to feel like she is in control of her life again. Forcing her into therapy when she is not ready will give her the message that there is something wrong with her and she needs to be fixed. She has to heal on her own schedule, not her mother's. Most of all, she needs to know her mother supports her.
Comment: #8
Posted by: D
Fri Feb 5, 2010 11:37 PM
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