If you're like most people who learn that a family member has cancer or another life-threatening illness, you instinctively react with compassion, a desire to help and support.

But more often than not, family members don't know what to do when their loved one is struggling with alcoholism or drug dependence. Some of them even go so far as to feel guilty or shameful about trying to help that person.

Dear Mr. Moyers: I am throwing everything else on the line right now because I don't know what else to do. My father, 50, is a successful attorney in Indiana. He taught my brother and I everything: how to golf, fish, swim ... anything he did we were by his side and did, too.

But then he started drinking and using cocaine, and it got out of hand. Three DUI's in 10 months, accepting coke instead of money for work he had done for clients, and finally he get got caught leaving a notorious crack bar downtown with a prostitute in his car, driving the wrong way down a street without headlights.

My mother divorced him. That was a few years ago. Things got worse, and now he's going to die if he doesn't stop. I've planned an intervention with some good family members and respected people in the community being part of it.

I feel guilty about springing this on him, embarrassing him in front of everyone. What if he gets angry and turns away from me? Worse, what if it causes him to keep getting high even more?

This is consuming my life. I am not being the best mother, fiance or employee I could be. I am no longer living my life. Instead, I am living his life of despair and insanity.

Should I go ahead with the intervention? — Michelle C. in Virginia Beach, Va.

An intervention involves a trained professional who helps a family confront an addict or alcoholic who is in denial about their illness and the consequences.

"The ultimate goal of an intervention is to steer the addicted person into treatment and recovery," said Bill Messinger, the founder of Addiction Recovery Professionals (www.arprecovery.com) in St. Paul, Minn. "But not every intervention succeeds. When it doesn't, the process should at the very least allow the family to feel a sense that they've done what they can for that person, at least for the time being. "

Dear Michelle: Go ahead with the intervention confident that no matter the outcome, you are doing what's right — not just for your father, but you, too. Don't worry about embarrassing him. He has already done that to himself through his addiction. And he's already turned away from you and the family.

If you don't do the intervention and things get worse, I suspect you will blame yourself. If the intervention happens and he refuses help and eventually goes to prison or dies anyway, in your grief you will at least know that you did what you could for him. And if the intervention succeeds, and he gets help and finds recovery, then without a doubt you (and he) will be grateful.

Remember this too: No matter the outcome, you must take care of yourself.

William C. Moyers is the vice president of external affairs for the Hazelden Foundation and the author of "Broken," a best-selling memoir. The paperback edition was released in August 2007. Please send your questions to William Moyers at William@williammoyers.com. To find out more about William Moyers and read his past columns, visit the Creators Syndicate web page at www.creators.com.

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