There is more to addiction than meets the eye.

And to understand how to overcome it often means looking beyond what can be seen readily.

No wonder stigma cloaks the truth about addiction and confusion muddles how to appreciate successful recovery.

Dear Mr. Moyers: Why do you think it is that many addicts seem to have charming personalities that make them so engaging to others? My sister had us all in the palm of her hand. She was a beauty queen, the most popular senior in high school, had boyfriends galore and then a wonderful husband — and all of it in a life that was too short. She died in 2003 from a drug overdose. She left behind parents and siblings — including me, her eldest sister — who suffer intolerable pain and loss unmitigated by the passage of time. Now I'm starting to feel guilty and angry at myself for not seeing what was happening. Tell me: Why is it that the sister I thought I knew was really the addict I never saw? — Deanna N., Knoxville, Tenn.

Dear Deanna: Most men and women who are addicts wear masks to cover the truth. Sadly, it's not usually deliberate in the sense of being consciously dishonest. Rather it is a survival instinct to protect their urge to get high or stay high by keeping others from really knowing what is happening behind their smiles or their jokes or their success. Fear fueled by shame also is involved. Even when they realize that there's a problem, addicts spend a lot of time trying to keep the secret from the people they love or who could help them. Your feelings of guilt and anger for not seeing your sister's truth are understandable. Many other families feel this, too. I urge you and your parents to seek counseling. There are groups and regular meetings to help families heal from addiction. But remember this, too: I'll bet all the good things about your sister's personality reflected a truth that she was really a good person. She had a bad illness that ultimately took her life.

Dear Mr. Moyers: My husband finally quit drinking after his second DWI and treatment a month ago. I'd say he's a lot better now. Mostly because he doesn't come home drunk after work or get drunk once he gets here. I want him back in my life. But now he goes out almost every night after dinner to these meetings with other alcoholics. When I said I want him around the house more or more time to do fun things together, we got in a big argument. He says he has to go to those meetings the rest of his life! Come on. Is that that true? — Patrice A., North Platte, Neb.

Dear Patrice: Alcohol robs people of so much, including time spent with others, so it is understandable that you're ready to revive your marriage. Successful treatment ends the drinking. But it is only the start of your husband's sobriety. Especially during the first year, it is crucial that he attend as many recovery meetings as possible. That will help him avoid any urge to drink. He also will meet other newcomers and old-timers like him, and the meetings will give him other tools to deal with the behavioral and spiritual components of his illness. Allow him to put as much effort into his sobriety as he did into his drinking. You'll see that the rewards for both of you are worth his hard work and your patience and selflessness.

William C. Moyers is the vice president of external affairs for the Hazelden Foundation and the author of "Broken," a best-selling memoir. The paperback edition was released in August 2007. Please send your questions to William Moyers at William@WilliamMoyers.com. To find out more about William Moyers and read his past columns, visit the Creators Syndicate Web page at www.creators.com.

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