I usually preface my advice with a short editorial comment about a current event related to addiction. Not today. Here are pleas for help that remind us all of the private tragedies that never make news, even though they happen to families across the country all the time.

Dear Mr. Moyers: My 53-year-old wife, a successful executive, relapsed after seven years of sobriety, and unfortunately, this time we will not get back together. I need to know "why." I need to get inside the head of a drug addict. Do you know of any books or DVDs made so significant others can understand their responses and feelings to living with an addict? — Roger D. in Kenosha, Wis.

Dear Roger: An addict's head is a dangerous place to go, so I'm not sure you want to be there. But to understand your wife's addictive thinking, read "Love First" and "No More Letting Go," by Debra Jay. Both offer a window into your wife's illness. Don't give up on her. In those pages, you also may find hope and a way to restore your relationship, whether you remain together or not. Relapse isn't always the end. It can be a new beginning.

Dear Mr. Moyers: About a year ago, our 22-year-old son went through a 28-day addiction treatment program. Recently he relapsed. Then I drug tested him because I had an agreement that I would pay his rent if he went to school at night, worked full time and lived a sober life. He tested positive for opiates and marijuana. I'm not really sure what my role is in the relapse phase. I was taught during the family meetings that I need to get out of his way. I have gotten really good at taking care of myself and lovingly detaching from him and his dramas so that they don't consume my every move. I do, however, want to be sure that I am doing everything I can as his mother to help him. I really don't want to do anything until he makes the choice to get help. I also have told him that I love him regardless of whether he is using or not. Please advise. — Kristi V. near La Jolla, Calif.

Dear Kristi: Stop drug testing your son. It is an ineffective deterrent to a relapsing addict, who will continue to chase the high no matter the rules, regulations and consequences. Besides, it entwines you in a process that you cannot control. Indeed, you must get out of the way and use your energy to bolster your own well-being. And keep telling your son that you love him no matter what. That's what your son needs to hear as he seeks sobriety again.

Dear Mr. Moyers: This is my husband's fourth treatment for alcoholism in a year. He's a successful lawyer when he's not drinking. But the problem is he cannot stop drinking anymore. He tells me, though, that this time he will "do it" — take the treatment seriously, take charge and make it work. I realize he really needs to do just the opposite, to "surrender." But he never has been that type of person, and I am filled with apprehension right now. I am working hard to save his life. What if he can't or won't do it this time? That thought terrifies me. — Susan M. in Minneapolis

Dear Susan: You cannot save his life. He knows what he has to do. To surrender doesn't mean to give up. It means giving in and following directions. That's especially difficult for "smart" lawyers, who, like pilots and nurses, are often a treatment center's most intransigent patients. When he stops fighting, he will start understanding his illness and how to recover. There is no cure for his chronic illness. But recovery is the solution. He might make it. It is important you do too.

William C. Moyers is the vice president of external affairs for the Hazelden Foundation and the author of "Broken," a best-selling memoir. The paperback edition was released in August 2007. Please send your questions to William Moyers at William@WilliamMoyers.com. To find out more about William Moyers and read his past columns, visit the Creators Syndicate Web page at www.creators.com.

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