Single File by Susan Deitz

Most of us want sexual activity to mean something, to stir our emotions, to have a feeling of rightness. The final judge is, of course, the morning after — when your spirit feels tingly and warm, snugly secure in the knowledge that you are the beloved, the only one your Other holds dear, the one your partner prizes above all others. (I could wax even more lyrical, but you get the idea.) Sex without caring is on the lowest rung of human interaction. Period. No discussion warranted.

Mature sexuality is a reaction to an entire package — one special person in his/her totality — not to a collection of isolated body parts. When the wholeness of someone encompasses qualities that inspire love, trust and respect (a sacred trinity if ever there was one), then — and only then — can deeper dimensions of a relationship emerge. The soulful dimension of human nature craves spiritual union, and once it's experienced, nothing less will do. But to reach that point, souls must merge before bodies. Only later, after partners have invested time revealing themselves to each other, does sexual activity feel natural — and right.

The configuration of relatedness can be seen as a constellation. At the center — its sun and sole source of energy — is loving friendship (aka intense liking). Constancy of that good will is absolutely essential to the health of the relationship; in fact, it's the one factor that binds the other components and keeps them in place. And circling close to that core are other elements akin to it, ones that nourish togetherness and promote mutual benefit.

Only after partners share this level of trust can they be honest bedmates. So sex is the very last part of the personal universe to take its place. The continuing expression of everything that takes place outside the bedroom, lovemaking is the ultimate component in this most personal universe. And like anything this rare, the joining of souls takes time to unfold. It simply cannot be hurried or compromised. The waiting period is a test of both partners' character and maturity, and for that reason alone, it is valuable.

But the prime reason to create the sexual constellation tantalizingly slowly is that sexuality can deliver its full promise only when lovers are the best of friends. If you're unsure whether it's worth the wait, consider this sacred poem by Rumi:

"When the soul lies down in that grass,

The world is too full to talk about.

Ideas, language, even the phrase 'each other'

Doesn't make any sense."

That depth of bonding sends lovers back into the world better people, with a stronger sense of well-being. Refreshed, sure of their beloveds, surer of themselves. In a wry twist, in the losing of their boundaries they find a stronger sense of self.

Write to Susan Deitz in care of this newspaper. She will answer all letters that come with a self-addressed, stamped envelope. Or you may e-mail her at info@creators.com.

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