DEAR SUSAN: My problem concerns turning men down without hurting their feelings. I've had many propositions lately, but these guys aren't my type. They know I'm single and may know I don't already have plans when they call. Often I don't know what to do, so I do go out with them, but that only makes things worse.

My friend says I should just be frank with them and say they're not my type. How do you turn someone down without hurting his feelings? Isn't being honest with them really rudeness? — Christina C., Long Island, N.Y.

DEAR CHRISTINA: Your friend is on the right path. Being upfront with a prospective date saves him time, money and, in the long run, the psychic pain of dashed hopes. But — and this is huge — she inflicts pain in the name of honesty. And that is unforgivable! I've known couples who've had "honest" dialogues and have ended up never speaking to each other again. You can be honest and discreet at the same time. What you say can be totally truthful, but you needn't say it all. Honesty can be edited and still be honesty! Your friend says too much, and you, poor sweet one, can't seem to find enough right words to release you from a date that's pure obligation and no fun. (Reminds me of a blind date I had. I knew from the get-go he wasn't my type. Still, I went with him to his car, my mind racing for a proper excuse. As he went to open my door, I said that my head was aching and, more pointedly, that I was worried because I had left my 10-year-old son alone. This was said in gentle but firm words that summed up the evening ahead as a waste of our time. The young man's face registered surprise at my honesty but also gratitude for the time and money he had been saved.) So much of the rudeness — hurtfulness — is in the tone of voice, the body language, the eyes (particularly the eyes!) when you say you'd rather not go out with him. It's nothing personal; you don't know each other well. It's simply refusal. And who doesn't get that daily? Hey, Christina, dating is a game of hurt and be hurt. It's not rude to pass on an invitation, and it's not kind to accept one when you're sure the ending will be bad.

DEAR SUSAN: I've lived with a man for nearly a year. (I have two small sons living with us; he has a teenage son living with his former wife.) He recently said he wants to split up because he doesn't love me anymore, but he can't give me a reason for his change of heart. I know there's no other woman, because he comes home every night. He let me move out of the bedroom, and I'm looking for a place. Any advice? — Robin W., Cherry Hill, N.J.

DEAR ROBIN: Plenty! Move in with a friend or family member pronto, before you find a place of your own. (Best possible option is to keep your kids in the same school so they're not totally uprooted; their emotional state has got to be the top consideration.) I have no idea what your financial arrangement was with this man, but you'd best find an attorney and learn your rights in this situation. I do have an idea there's another woman in the picture, whether or not he comes home nightly. Did you not see this coming? Didn't you sense a mood change, a lack of interest? Anyway, who cares about all that? Your only priority is to get your brood out of his house and into a comfortable, welcoming setting. (Do your folks live nearby?) What a mess this is, with small dependents and your diminished sense of self. (He LET you move out of the bedroom?!) This is the time to gather friends and family and legal counsel and put it all together — for your boys, for yourself. The three of you need not feel homeless or without legal recourse; remember that as the most important thing. Weekly family councils will help a great deal; give the boys a chance to talk out what's going on in their small and impressionable heads. Spend gobs of time with them. Lean on your attorney, your family, your friends. This is code red — emergency time. And when all this is calmer, resolve NEVER AGAIN to bring your children into this kind of situation. Find a home; make it a cozy nest for the three of you; and marry the next man who truly wants a wonderful family. Start thinking like the smart mom you are.

Write to Susan Deitz in care of this newspaper. She will answer all letters that come with a self-addressed, stamped envelope. Or you may e-mail her at [email protected].