DEAR SUSAN: It seems that one's chances of finding a monogamous relationship are far greater when one dates multiple people and has sex with them, has "friends with benefits" and has non-monogamous relationships; somehow that will funnel down into one monogamous relationship. I guess I've been asleep for the past decade or so. I didn't think it was proper to hit on someone who was currently having sex with another person. — From the "Single File" blog

DEAR BLOGGER: Move over, sleepyhead, and make room for a fellow dodo. You and I must be from another time, an era when sex was the grand prize — and ultimate payoff of a long, slow courtship with an irreplaceable beloved. OK, that's a bit over the top, I admit, but it's your bod we're discussing, your personal treasure-trove of flesh and feeling! And yes, that sensitivity still exists today, in many of the unmarried. I can still recall being drawn to a singles social in a Manhattan church, where I was randomly assigned to one of several groups. The topic was, "When you meet someone for the first time, do you put up bridges or walls?" The man speaking to the group had lost his wife recently, and he was saying that he simply couldn't have a casual encounter — that sex for him had to be lovemaking. A hush came over the group as he spoke, and I was one of the women stunned into silence. (I was seeing a law student at the time, a bright young macho fellow with a casual take on intimacy, and proud of it.) But like you, dear reader, my bod (and soul) responds best to monogamy, and I feel quite satisfied with it. Drat. I could use more space for all the words that occur to me about such a tender issue, but let's leave it at this. Comments?

DEAR SUSAN: My fellow bloggers needn't feel ashamed about going places as a single person. I'm a Vietnam vet, and I often take myself to a place called The Golden Spoon. The place is very bare-bones, seats from an old school cafeteria, tables from bingo halls, faded and torn linoleum on the floor. Everyone sits together; I'm often flanked by Vietnamese families on both sides. But I love the place; I get to meet someone new every time. (I can read and write Vietnamese, and going there helps keep me sharp.) And I never feel alone there. So take my advice and don't feel ashamed about being single. In fact, wear it with pride. — From the "Single File" blog

DEAR BLOGGER: Healthy instinct draws you to a family-oriented place that feels warm and welcoming, somewhere you can relax and be in the company of kind people. Places like that have a way of making your singleness incidental because they focus on the individual, without much thought on his marital status. That sort of environment brings out the best in you, encouraging you to relax and be yourself. I wouldn't be surprised if one of your visits brings you together with a tender young Vietnamese woman drawn by the yearnings of a gentle veteran. You've got healthy instincts; listen to them.

DEAR SUSAN: I read your column regularly, even though I've no interest in dating (so I say!). I stopped looking for a partner at 36; an early marriage (at 18) ended after four years, and that was followed by a failed 12-year relationship. I did get back with my husband (who was bipolar), but he died suddenly within a year. But hey, we did make up, so it was kind of a nice thing. Still, I felt drained and didn't see myself putting myself on the line again for the pain that love brings, good or bad. But in the back of my mind, I always thought I'd meet someone. I have been involved in a church community ministry for the past 20 years and haven't had a date in all that time. Friends say I must be sending a "vibe" of not wanting a relationship, but the truth is that no one has crossed my path who isn't married or unstable. Now that I'm older than 55, I go up and down on the issue; I joined but didn't follow through on two dating sites. I guess I'm asking whether you think I'm being unfair to myself or just protecting my lifestyle of simplicity. Some days I wish someone would come out of the woodwork and take me away on a cruise around the world — but other days, it's like, "I'm too old for this." Should I shut up or see a therapist? — From the "Single File" blog

DEAR BLOGGER: By all means, don't shut up. You have a talent for storytelling, and your life so far has certainly been the stuff of soap operas! Which leads me to your words "the pain that love brings, good or bad." I suggest exploring their roots with a therapist. It seems to me you're on the brink of awakening from your troubles, readying yourself to venture into the wider world. A trusted ally would be a great help right now — so seek out and interview at least three professionals, and start the process with the one who makes you feel most comfortable. Together, the two of you will begin to form a picture of the past and the future, where you've been (and why) and where you want to be (and how!). The truth is that age doesn't decide destiny — unless you're on the wrong dating site. It's the person you are, the wisdom you've gained from your life story, the happy plans you have for the future, what you can bring to a relationship that outlasts the years. I am pleased and honored to share your thoughts. You're on the verge of fulfillment. Grab it.

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