DEAR SUSAN: This positive advice is for a fellow blogger, who seems to be having a hard time: It takes work to escape the comfort zone that keeps you making the same mistakes. (It's easier if you have the help of a good therapist, but people have done it on their own with determination and focus.) One trick is to think three positive things about your life every time you tell yourself something negative. For example: "I don't have a loving wife, but I do have a good job, and I've learned much from past relationships and got a family that cares about me." Also, appreciate as much as you can. I've found appreciation to be a great way to turn anger, sadness and frustration into a more positive frame of mind. Another tip is to stop comparing yourself with others. Realize that it's possible to choose your reactions. Also, educate yourself; read good books on areas of life you want to get better at. And play the "as if" game; even when you don't feel positive, act as if you do. The amazing thing is that you'll begin feeling better about yourself. My last suggestion? Live in the now. Don't let your mind drift from the present. Focus on what you want from your life, not what you don't want. — From the "Single File" blog

DEAR BLOGGER: Well done! The "Single File" community is stronger because you're part of it. I only wish we had more newsprint to include every one of your words — but as you say, let's stay positive. You make two points that particularly resonate for me. The first is to act "as if" you feel positive when you really feel unhappy; tricking your psyche out of a down mood and replacing it with happier thoughts can raise your spirits. That healthy self-deception is part of the "as if" strategy suggested in my book: Start planning your life on a longer basis, as if you'll be unmarried for a while. Take your thinking off the "hold" button and start living life to suit your needs now. Buy that condo now; take that vacation now; enroll in that financial planning course now. Funny thing, even though you're not planning this, a broadened life will make you more interesting and take you to a higher level of satisfaction. You'll meet more interesting people, men and women of action, not dreamers sitting in the waiting room. Then — and only then — can you move into a substantial planned life, not temporary shelter from the storm; and, not surprisingly, when you are on solid ground, you become more desirable and less emotionally needy. Which makes you more desirable!

The second gem in your advice says that we choose our reactions. It took me years to realize that happiness is a conscious choice, that I can select my mood from others clamoring for attention, that doom and gloom can be crowded out by upbeat thinking. (Yes, it takes a strong mind for those acrobatics, but every time gloom is defeated, the mind is strengthened.) Blogger, we all appreciate the time and effort it took to pass along your sound advice — not to mention the life experience behind it. A deep bow of respectful gratitude.

DEAR SUSAN: You made some very good points in a recent column, but they were blunted by yet another plug for a specific dating site for the over-50s, with only the vaguest of references to other options. As a result, when I was finished reading the column, I found myself reflecting less on the very worthy topic you'd introduced and more about the specifics of just what kind of deal you worked out to promote that website — assuming you don't own all or part of it. — From the "Single File" blog

DEAR BLOGGER: Worry not, my friend. I am in no way connected to or profiting from that unnamed dating site. Promotion and deception are not in my stylebook. And if I owned — partially or completely — that specific site, I'd let it be known. So rest easy on that score, and then get back to reflecting on my column. If you're in the mood, send me your thoughts on love in the second half of life.

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