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Interplay
DEAR SUSAN: No disrespect intended, but as a happily married woman, I have a take on fellow blogger J's situation: J, I've seen many of your posts, and in my eyes, you sound entitled and desperate. You constantly make references to …Read more.
Single Land
DEAR SUSAN: One of my fellow bloggers still seems a bit upset that he hasn't found a keeper yet. Well, I was in the same position he is. In fact, I have been in "single land" since 2007 and most likely will be for the rest of my time. But …Read more.
Digging
DEAR SUSAN: My definition of singlehood is not having a significant other. I'm reminded of my own singleness every day when I see couples together — contrasted with the way singles are treated. I personally have no desire to stay unmarried. …Read more.
Common Cause
DEAR SUSAN: I find that most angry/bitter single people are that way because they are trying to date "up" instead of looking for someone who has more in common with them financially and in terms of appearance and fitness. Think about it! …Read more.
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Chances -- DialogueDEAR SUSAN: You raise the issue of "can you forgive and forget?" and I need to chime in because my significant other flirts with other women, in front of me and behind my back. I'm ashamed to say I miss him terribly when he's not with me, despite his roaming eyes. I did forgive him once, and a part of me is tempted to forgive again, but I don't want more hurt. I am unhappy without him, yet when he acts this way, he makes me feel worthless. Of course, once again, he's promising behavior modification, but I don't know what to do. Can one truly forgive and forget? Should we make a "three strikes and you're out" rule, or are two enough? — Ursula T., Long Island, N.Y. MY ORIGINAL RESPONSE: No matter how badly you "miss" your bad boy, the fact that he makes you feel worthless is the final verdict. There's no going back to a relationship that diminishes you. Ever. The primary lesson of singleness is to stay with people who feel good about themselves, augmenters, because they will lift you up to their level. (Its dark underside is to avoid diminishers — like the one in question — whose low self-images can only pull you down to their level. Keep that lesson in mind, particularly when you find yourself pining away for this flirtatious abuser. Love, mutual love, is the building of friendship between partners; you can't be friends with someone who doesn't treat you well. I wish you good things with good people. URSULA'S SECOND LETTER. Dear Susan, seeing your response today brought tears to my eyes. You see, I officially broke up with this man yesterday, after having daily phone contact and three dates since writing you the first letter. Why did I make that decision yesterday (when I probably could have easily been swayed the other way)? Because once again, he viciously lied to me. The topic of the lie isn't the issue. The point is he can't be trusted on any level. Today is the first day in three years I haven't spoken to him, and so far he has respected my wishes and hasn't phoned.
DEAR SUSAN: I don't think I have hot looks or a lot of money. I'm about average. So where are those beauties who gravitate toward "un-hotties"? I don't want a woman for her packaging only, but why can't I have both the inside and the outside? I consider myself a nice guy, so where is she? Where? I see jerks with beauties every day. I wonder what I'm doing wrong. I have a life, so where is the someone to share it? What gives? — From the Internet DEAR BLOGGER: Hey. Life isn't an entitlement program. Just because you're a nice guy doesn't mean you automatically link up with a well-packaged mate. Niceness is certainly job No. 1, but there has to be more, much more, before some delicious confection finds you delectable. You have a life, according to you, but what are you doing with it? Any plans? Dreams? Blueprints for a future she'd want to be part of? Your looks and your bank account may be strictly average today, but what about your tomorrows? Will she be part of an interesting future? While you're musing on that, I suggest you take a vacation — a long one — from desperation. It's off-putting and self-defeating. Besides, most people in singleworld know that you can't hurry love. It's not a do-it-yourself project. The harder one works at it the farther you stay from your goal. Relax, friend. Lots of people are in the same boat, the USS Lonely. But the wise ones are using their energy changing the parts of their lives that can be changed and looking around at the possibilities while they're doing it. They're always open to love, but they're not chasing it like hounds. Ahem. Write to Susan Deitz in care of this newspaper. She will answer all letters that come with a self-addressed, stamped envelope. Or you may e-mail her at info@creators.com. Write or e-mail her for your free "Declaration of Undependence" on parchment. COPYRIGHT 2010 CREATORS.COM
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