Single File by Susan Deitz

DEAR SUSAN: Just recently, I told a female friend my true feelings about her. She said she wished I hadn't because she's seeing someone. Now I'm confused. Does she wish I didn't tell her because it could cause a problem with her current relationship or with me? I do value her friendship, and in the past, we always spoke openly and honestly. Lately, though, we haven't spoken much. — Jeremy K., Long Island, N.Y.

DEAR JEREMY: Why am I not surprised? Just when this open and honest friendship appeared to be humming along, gliding over silvery waves, your confession of love took it up a notch (thanks, Emeril), and the rest is history. Now things have toned down to a deafening silence. The lines have been cut between the two of you. But tell me, why didn't you know she is seeing someone? If communication between you was as open and honest as you believed, her current "thing" would have been known to you, and the confession would never have taken place. Maybe it's a good thing that it did, for your sake. The veil over her personal life has been lifted, and you've learned that she didn't tell you everything — and never saw the relationship with you as anything more than friendship. Never did, never will. It's always hurtful, Jeremy, to see the glaring facts behind a fairy tale. But seeing people as they are will be a great asset in new relationships. It should bring you better relationships than this one. I can almost guarantee it will.

DEAR SUSAN: You seem to be showing too much of a bias toward your own beliefs when it comes to abstinence. Shouldn't the individual determine what is best for him or her in this very personal decision? No one credible would advocate promiscuity.

But it is silly and unrealistic to say everyone should have only one partner. Many people are waiting to marry later in life, and to think they are going to abstain until 35 or 40 is naive. There are those who have been preaching abstinence for centuries, indeed millenniums. I certainly hope you're not planning to join the Bible thumpers. — Steffi V., Santa Rosa, Calif.

DEAR STEFFI: My personal Bible is too precious to thump publicly. Have no fear of that. And I agree (heartily) this is an individual matter, to be decided by each one of us in communion with our innermost beliefs. BUT — you knew this was coming — I have so much input, so many words from so many men and women who've put their pens to paper in an effort to share their experiences. Without dogma or ulterior motive, they are sharing their own experiences in an aspect of life with the potential to be spiritual. Without a Bible in sight, the sense of rightness is embedded in each of us. Best to listen to its voice.

THE REAL FACTS OF LIFE. The average American spends the majority of his or her life unmarried. — "Number, Timing, and Duration of Marriages and Divorces: 1996," by Rose M. Kreider and Jason M. Fields

Sixty-eight percent of divorced or widowed Americans plan to remain unmarried. — Gallup, 2006

There are more than 56 million American adults who have always been single, representing roughly 60 percent of the adult unmarried population. — U.S. Census Bureau, "America's Families and Living Arrangements: 2007"

In 2008, 29.4 percent of men and 22.7 percent of women 18 or older had never married. — U.S. Census Bureau, "America's Families and Living Arrangements: 2008"

Write to Susan Deitz in care of this newspaper. She will answer all letters that come with a self-addressed, stamped envelope. Or you may e-mail her at info@creators.com.

COPYRIGHT 2009 CREATORS.COM