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Dreams of "What If?"
Dear Margo: I'm a 20-something woman engaged to the best man I've ever known. I am beyond ecstatic to be getting married. My problem has nothing to do with him and everything to do with a guy who was one of my best friends in college. This guy and I …Read more.
Afraid of Little Girls
Dear Margo: Between the ages of 6 and 10, I was severely bullied, but I was given the impression by grownups that such behavior was perfectly normal for children and I shouldn't be so sensitive. (I now realize they probably did not pay attention to …Read more.
Every Problem Does Not Have a Solution
Dear Margo: Many years ago, I got a call informing me that my son was arrested and being held on $1 million bail. That was when I first learned that he is a pedophile.
He has just completed his 20-year prison sentence, and during that time I learned …Read more.
When You Live on a One-Way Street
Dear Margo: My patience has run out with the three living members of my family. My father, his mother and my brother have gone through periods of not talking to each other or to me. My brother wants nothing to do with my father or our grandmother, …Read more.
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For Better or for Worse -- but Not for Hospitals?
Dear Margo: I've been married for quite a number of years, and something has been bothering me recently. My husband comes up with all kinds of excuses not to be with me when I have any kind of surgery. It all started four years ago when I had rather serious surgery. He dropped me off at the front door of the hospital and went home to wait for the doctor's call. He came to visit me once during my four-night stay. I admit that I didn't make a fuss since it did seem OK, at the time, for him to simply wait at home and call me to keep in touch.
Since that time, I've had other surgeries that required either an overnight or a two-night stay. He never stayed in the hospital to see me post-surgery, nor did he come to visit. He did, however, keep in constant contact with me.
Lately, this has bothered me more, as I see the behavior of others. In his favor, his first wife died of cancer, so perhaps he became hospital phobic after that. But it does seem rather selfish, the more I allow myself to think about it. As more friends and family say he is getting away with murder, I, too, am beginning to wonder. Should I make more of a fuss or simply insist that he "be there for me" if hospitalization is necessary again? We are both retired, so a work schedule does not come into play. — Confused After a Lot of Years
Dear Con: You don't say what the general nature of the relationship is, so I will just assume there is no underlying hostility floating around and that this is your major issue. To find out his reasons for basically saying you're on your own in medical situations, have you tried asking him? If it's simply that hospitals give him the willies, that would be a good thing to discuss. As things are now, he is definitely "not there for you." The outlines of this problem make him sound selfish and self-centered. If he has a fear of hospitals, I suggest he get some help in overcoming his phobia, and also in understanding that you need support, not abandonment. — Margo, correctively
Brushing Off Difficult Questions
Dear Margo: I grew up in a small town, left for college and moved away 30 years ago. After living outside of the United States for several years, I have now returned to my home state, but several hundred miles away from my old hometown. I attended my high school class reunion, but that visit didn't go well, and I need advice about whether I should visit again.
Several people at the reunion asked about my older brother, who still lives there. I was not sure how to deal with these inquiries because my brother sexually terrorized me as a child and I ended all contact with him years ago. Our mother keeps me informed about my sister-in-law's and nieces' activities, but we do not discuss him. Obviously, I am not going to discuss his behavior toward me, but I felt hypocritical smiling and telling them he is fine and happy, which is really all they wanted to hear. What can I say to end these inquiries and not give away our family secrets? — Childhood Trauma Survivor
Dear Child: How nice for your brother that the whole town doesn't know. Should you find yourself in a similar situation, feel free to skip the hypocritical smile and just say you were never really close and don't know anything of his life now. Over and out. I am not for playing yourself false, and I also don't have a problem with cutting people off if they're going where you do not want to go. — Margo, directly
Dear Margo is written by Margo Howard, Ann Landers' daughter. All letters must be sent via the online form at www.creators.com/dearmargo. Due to a high volume of e-mail, not all letters will be answered.
COPYRIGHT 2011 MARGO HOWARD
DISTRIBUTED BY CREATORS.COM
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22 Comments | Post Comment
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LW1 - I can pretty much guarantee that your husband's skittishness has to do w/ his deceased wife's cancer. I work in health care and when my father was dying (also from cancer), I spent a lot of time at the hospital, although not the one at which I worked. I nearly had to quit my job after that. Instead, I ended up moving to an off-site location where I no longer need to worry about patient (or patient's family) contact. Why? Because it breaks my heart to see people in pain. Granted, I my dad passed only a few years ago and I work in the medical lab, but I spent weeks in the hospital watching my dad fade away and I still can't pass that hospital w/o the memories creeping back up. I am sure that, even though you are not mere a "replacement" for his first wife, some irrational fears creep up when he sees you entering a hospital, just like she did. Once you are in, he can talk to you on the phone because he can't see you and maybe he imagines you are somewhere completely different. It is his way of coping. Do you two need to talk about this? Most definitely. Should he see a therapist to get over this fear - for sure, because at some point, you may be in very ill health and truly need him by your side. However, is he being selfish? Most likely not. Just scared.
Comment: #1
Posted by: Melissa
Thu Dec 1, 2011 9:49 PM
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For LW1, I think the problem is not so much your husband's unwillingness or phobia to visit you in the hospital, but your propensity to allow your so-called friends to trash-talk him behind his back--and then to allow their gossip to sway your feelings about something that never bothered you before. You said you originially thought it was ok for him to be at home and that he kept in constant contact with you. It was only after "more friends and family" members (just how many people do you gossip about your husband to?) said he "was getting away with murder" that it began to bother you.
How would you like it if the tables were turned, and your husband's freinds and family started talking to him about some shortcoming they see in you, and said you were getting away with murder, and he actually started to believe them and resent you for something that never bothered him before?
It's time to put on your big-girl panties. If something bothers you about your husband, then talk to him about it instead of with your family and friends behind his back. And don't ever allow other people to make negative comments about your spouse behind their back. How disloyal!
Comment: #2
Posted by: Jane
Fri Dec 2, 2011 5:23 AM
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LW1: Why haven't you actually talked to him about this? Talking to your friends about him and writing to an advice columnist instead of having a heart-to-heart with him about your feelings doesn't sound like you're being a particularly supportive spouse yourself.
How about instead of "allowing yourself to think about it", you stop the mental scenarios and just go to the source: ask him. And then discuss it with him.
Yeesh.
LW2: Perfect advice from Margo -- you say something that makes it clear you and your brother don't get along, without giving any details that you don't want to give. Simply repeat as needed.
Comment: #3
Posted by: Mike H
Fri Dec 2, 2011 6:59 AM
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There is absolutely NO WAY I'd put up with a husband like LW1's. I'm betting it's a different story if, heaven forbid, he needs to have surgery. He's probably flip out if she didn't babysit him. LW isn't a freakin roommate, she's his wife and he needs to step up.
Comment: #4
Posted by: Jennifer
Fri Dec 2, 2011 7:47 AM
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I doubt that the LW is 'gossiping" about her husband to her friends or family. More than likely, they called to ask about her recovery and were floored to discover he knew little more than they did since he wasn't there. Encouraging someone to insist on better treatment from their spouse is not "trashtalking".
Comment: #5
Posted by: Jennifer
Fri Dec 2, 2011 7:49 AM
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LW2's brother has DAUGHTERS????? How come no one mentioned the possibility of telling the authorities what happened? Those girls are most definitely in danger of becoming victims.
Comment: #6
Posted by: Carla
Fri Dec 2, 2011 7:54 AM
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There is absolutely NO WAY I'd put up with a husband like LW1's. I'm betting it's a different story if, heaven forbid, he needs to have surgery. He's probably flip out if she didn't babysit him. LW isn't a freakin roommate, she's his wife and he needs to step up.
I highly doubt the LW is "gossiping" about her so-called husband. More than likely, her friends and family were floored that upon calling to check on her recovery, he had very little information on her welfare b/c he wasn't present. While she's unconscious in the hospital, he's at home reading a book or watching TV. Encouraging a spouse to insist on decent treatment from her husband is NOT "trashtalking". They probably all had lovely visions of him as a doting husband who took loving care of his first wife and now are wondering if that was all a farce.
Comment: #7
Posted by: Jennifer
Fri Dec 2, 2011 7:55 AM
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LW2 -- First, I am terribly sorry for all that your brother put you through. Margo's advice is basically good, as far as it goes. But there are a couple of things I think you need to consider:
1) All these people asking you about your older brother -- assuming they don't know about what he did to you, they are asking you because they think you had a normal relationship with him, and they believe that asking you about him shows an interest in you and your family that is welcome to you. Indeed, some people think of it as a compliment that someone remembered to ask about one's family. The one part of Margo's advice that I didn't like was when she said, "I also don't have a problem with cutting people off if they're going where you do not want to go." That makes sense when someone is asking a question they know damn well is none of their business and/or potentially hurtful to you. But that is NOT the case here. Instead, it smacks of "punishing" people for asking you a question that, under normal circumstances, would be a perfectly benign and even welcome question.
2) Since I assume you are well aware of the fact that these people mean no harm when they ask about your brother, and since you DO, in fact know how your brother is doing (since you hear about your SIL and the kids, you basically do know how your brother is doing, even if you're specifically not talking about him), using Margo's line that you weren't close and don't know how he's doing is as much of a lie as simply saying, "he's doing well." Your problem isn't that you're lying to people when you tell them that your brother is fine -- that is, after all, the truth. Your problem is that you have been LIVING a lie for years and years by keeping this a secret.
So, to my mind, either you continue the "he's doing well," routine and continue to feel hurt by what is intended as a nice question, or you decide that you no longer want to live this lie.
For the record, I am not saying that you definitely need to tell people about what your brother did to you -- you may well determine that for your own self-preservation, you prefer to keep this secret. But I am saying that if well-meaning people asking you a question that wouldn't normally be considered offensive continues to hurt you after all these years, you may want to consider the idea that you haven't really dealt with this and that you won't ever really be healed until you no longer have to keep this secret.
Comment: #8
Posted by: Lisa
Fri Dec 2, 2011 8:06 AM
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@Jennifer, if LW1's husband has a serious phobia of hospitals brought on by his first wife's death, your response would be so cold and unsympathetic that you probably wouldn't have to "put up with" such a husband for very long!
Fear of hospitals is very real, and since the LW hasn't actually spoken to her husband about this, it's a bit much to assume he simply couldn't be bothered to go to the hospital and was at home on the couch eating bon-bons and watching soaps.
If the relationship is otherwise positive and supportive, LW1 would be much better served by having a conversation with her husband rather than simply assuming the worst and getting upset.
Comment: #9
Posted by: Mike H
Fri Dec 2, 2011 9:10 AM
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Am I the only one that noticed "He did, however, keep in constant contact with me"? This woman was not abandoned in the emotional sense - the most important sense. He seems to have been "with" her as much as he was able - and probably suffered a lot emotionally while doing so. Despite their reputation for being "tougher" than women, lots of men seem to have serious problems with dealing with losses and situations that call those losses to mind. Instead of trashing the husband, this woman should be thanking him for being "in constant contact" and telling him how much she appreciated it that he was able to get past his past loss to be there for her emotionally. AND she should, as others have mentioned, suggest that they both consult with a professional who can help them both deal with when either of them is facing any future illness or hospitalizations.
Comment: #10
Posted by: graham072442
Fri Dec 2, 2011 9:45 AM
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The Annies (twice in two weeks) and now Margo have printed letters about childhood sexual abuse. I am so stunned by the responses of these advice column writers. They need to say, " Wake up! REPORT THIS MAN TO THE POLICE AND CHILD PROTECTIVE AGENCY! " but they don't.
Overwhelming evidence (including LW2's letter above) proves conclusively that sexual abuse is a heinous crime which cause lifelong damage to the victim. By remaining silent LW2 is giving her brother free rein to (in her words) "sexually terrorize" his daughters, her nieces. How can she live with herself knowing that she is by her actions allowing her brother to continue terrorizing little girls? How can Margo not positively insist that he be reported to the police? What about her mother? Does she know? Right this moment we readers know that at least two adult women (Margo and LW2) know this man is sexually terrorizing his daughters and they are doing nothing to save these children.
Comment: #11
Posted by: Nick
Fri Dec 2, 2011 10:08 AM
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@Nicholas -- no one absolutely KNOWS that LW2's brother is sexually terrorizing his nieces. For one thing, we don't know that LW2 is female. A brother can sexually terrorize a brother, too, not just a sister, and it is possible that the brother's problems do not extend to females, and therefore his daughters are safe.
Having said all of that -- I, too, am concerned about the safety of those girls. Since the LW described it as "sexual terrorism" as opposed to being molested, it makes me think the brother may not be a pedophile so much as a sadistic bully who chose sex as his weapon simply because it was effective, as opposed to having a "compulsion" or being sexually attracted to children. Unfortunately, if that's the case, those girls may well be in as much -- if not more -- danger of being victimized by their father as if he really were a pedophile.
Last but not least, LW2 and Margo aren't the only ones who know what happened between the brother and the LW -- it would seem LW's mother must know, too, for sure the mother knows there's a reason LW doesn't ever want to talk about his/her brother.
Comment: #12
Posted by: Lisa
Fri Dec 2, 2011 1:07 PM
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LW1--It's obvious to me that your husband has developed a strong dislike of hospitals. You think this might be because his first wife died of cancer, but you think your husband is really being selfish. Are you nuts? This man watched is first wife go through myriad treatments and then ultimately waste away at the hands of a horrific disease. As a result, he has a very justifiable aversion to hospitals but you have the gall to call HIM selfish? Lady, you got a lot of nerve! By your own admission, you claim your husband does remain in constant contact with you during your hospital stays so what's the problem? Isn't that enough? Just because he's not sitting by your bedside or in a cramped waiting room for hours upon hours wondering what horrible thing might happen, or worse, thinking about what horrible thing DID happen to his first wife, doesn't mean he's aloof or doesn't care about you. The world doesn't revolve around you. My advice is to accept that your husband has gone through enough grief in relation to hospitals and give the man a pass when it comes to your hospital stays. If you insist that your husband be present, then I suggest you pack a framed photograph of him for your bedside and bring a teddy bear too.
LW2--"I attended my high school class reunion, but that visit didn't go well, and I need advice about whether I should visit again. Several people at the reunion asked about my older brother, who still lives there." Unless you took out a billboard in your home town explaining how your animal of a brother sexually terrorized you, this information is completely unknown to your former classmates. They're not mind readers for heaven's sake! Since your brother is a local, they're simply using him as an ice breaker. Stop being so insensitive! Once the topic is broached, all you need to say is "my brother and I aren't close and haven't spoken in years but I'm doing really well..." then segue into your life and how you're doing. If the topic returns to your brother, gently steer the conversation elsewhere. People will get the hint.
Comment: #13
Posted by: Chris
Fri Dec 2, 2011 2:02 PM
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LW1-
Yes, discuss this with him, but I don't agree that he hasn't been "there for you". He WAS there, in touch, he just wasn't there physically. It sounds to me like it was enough for you, until you let your entourage's opinions get to you. Don't let yourself be influenced by what your entourage feels should be proper. Keep in mind they are NOT the ones deciding on what matters to you. YOU are.
If this your only complaint - let it go. AND - what Melissa and Jane said.
LW2-
Your brother seems to have gotten away, not with murder, but with sexual abuse. God knows who he is sexually abusing right now, so there is no reason why this should remain a dirty little secret. What Nicholas said.
The people asking about him have no idea about the hidden family history. However, there is nothing wrong with you saying, "My brother dearest sexually terrorised me for years uncounted, I know nothing about his current life, nor do I want anything to do with him and I DON'T want to discuss it further, now can we change the subject?" Then DO exactly that, and change the subject.
And yeah, what about the nieces? I'd be worried about them if I were you and your mother. Sexual predators usually don't stop their behaviour unless they're locked away between three concrete walls and electronically padlocked steelbars, which means daughters are prime targets. One good reason why there is no reason why this should remains a dirty little secret. What Lisa and Nicholas said.
@Nicholas
I find it... interesting that a man is much more vocal this day about that than women. Thank you.
@Lisa
Yeah, you're right, the LW could be male. But it's still sexual abuse, harassment at the very least and probably assault. It should be reported for the LW's sake, if for no one else's. Might be past the legally precribed time to do it, though.
You're right that we don't know if the LW is male or female. Yes, the nieces are slightly less in danger of being victimised if the LW is male... But, while most are indeed gender-preferential, some pedophiles don't care if the child they molest is male or female, they go for both. The nieces ARE in danger.
Comment: #14
Posted by: Lise Brouillette
Fri Dec 2, 2011 9:11 PM
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LW1: "Getting away with murder"? Really? Look, your friends and family are indignant on your behalf. Don't buy into it -- my guess is that you have SOME awareness of the horror and helplessness you feel when watching someone you love battle and eventually succumb to cancer, right? If not, please be aware that your husband is doing what he can. "Selfish" is a dangerous term -- yes, he can't get beyond his needs in this issue -- but on the other hand, if you knew the depths of his terror from his first experience, you might think yourself selfish for insisting he can get past it if he just tries.?
I would recommend that you get someone to be with you in the hospital, though, as much as possible -- sister, friend, cousin, adult child. People in pain, and on meds that reduce it and have other effects as well, aren't always in the best position to process info (test results, progress reports, treatment protocols and options) given out hurriedly by hospitalists and specialists they've never met, as we saw with my father, who often had no idea what doctor said what to him, or why, and often asked US what was happening. Having an advocate with you can be a load off your mind that enables you to focus more on recovery. It doesn't have to be a spouse -- some people don't have them, and some spouses aren't capable of functioning as one.
I also think Jane is right -- that you don't want to allow friends and relatives to say, "he's getting away with murder" or anything else along those lines. This isn't up for referendum; it's a relationship between two people.
Comment: #15
Posted by: hedgehog
Sat Dec 3, 2011 6:42 AM
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Re: Carla -- that was my feeling also about LW2. Someone needs to tell the guy's wife what he did to his sister. They need to realize that he may very well still a threat to his daughters and other young children.
Comment: #16
Posted by: Su
Sat Dec 3, 2011 4:23 PM
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RE: LW2 -- other comments are right, there is no way to tell the gender of LW2. I assumed female, but that may not be the case. Regardless, the brother is still a danger to other children, including his own, and he needs to be held accountable for his past behavior. In addition, those around him should be made aware of the truth.
Comment: #17
Posted by: Su
Sat Dec 3, 2011 4:28 PM
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Regarding Confused's husband's unwillingness to visit her in the hospital, she should consider herself lucky. She has the best of both worlds, her husband maintained contact with her constantly but yet allowed her to get the best care while in the hospital. Recently, I had emergency surgery that required a long stay. Our house was only 10 minutes away and I asked my husband to stay home. I'd cave in and let him visit, afterwards I was relieved he left. All visitors were forbidden to visit by me. My rationale is the hospital is a place for care and not entertaining visitors. There is a reason why there is never a place to sit in the hospital room.
Comment: #18
Posted by: boston
Tue Dec 6, 2011 6:51 AM
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boston... I don't think it's "entertainment" -- visitors often raise a patient's morale and help speed healing. If you don't want 'em, of course, that's your call -- and as long as you're awake enough and clear-headed enough to advocate for yourself, that's fine. Many patients aren't, either because of the pain or as a side effect of meds, either for control of pain or while coming out of surgery. Seems unfair that someone who's already feeling poorly should have to monitor his own treatment too, but that's pretty much how it is.
I had a relative in & out over the course of a year; during that time we had: 1) to call repeatedly for the dinner tray to be brought 2) send back an unordered food that wasn't on the patient's approved list of foods 3) insist on dinner when the patient returned from surgery after the time to order dinner was past (and the patient had of course not been allowed anything by mouth for hours before surgery 4) call for assistance when the patient was attempting to walk to the toilet on his own -- against treatment orders clearly posted 5) call for assistance when he'd been left on the toilet and forgotten. 6) fetch a blanket to cover him during a tornado warning, when all patients were moved to the hallway.
I'm sure there's more I've forgotten, but my sibs and I got ourselves to the hospital at 7 a.m. -- to make sure we saw the specialists on their pre-office hour rounds -- and stayed until 10 p.m. or so, in shifts, to make sure he got what he needed before the night. It usually wasn't entertaining -- I often did work from my office there on my laptop while he dozed. It was an eye-opening experience, and I vowed that should I ever need hospitalization, I would be grateful for anyone who wanted to stay with me to advocate for me.
Comment: #19
Posted by: hedgehog
Tue Dec 6, 2011 4:11 PM
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I'm curious as to why my comments show up here for a few hours and then disappear. I do speak my mind, but nothing nearly as offensive as many other habitual posters here. If y'all just don't like my opinions that's fine, just say so and I'll quit coming here. But if this is a problem with my computer I really need to know so that I can get it diagnosed/repaired. Thanks.
(I understand nanchan is a moderator here. Although I welcome replies from ANYBODY, I specifically direct my query to nanchan. What, if anything, am I doing wrong?)
Comment: #20
Posted by: Spikeygrrl
Wed Dec 7, 2011 3:46 PM
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Re: boston
Some people want to be l;eft alone in the hospital to concentrate on healing, others get a boost of energy from visitors and it helps them heal - welcome visitors, of course. Everubody is different.
@Spikeygrrl
Hunt at the bottom-bottom of the page, in the far-right corner, "contact us". This is the place where to report the kind of problem you're having.
And BTW, FYI - nanchan is not the moderator. Whatever moderator this site has does not post BTL.
Comment: #21
Posted by: Lise Brouillette
Wed Dec 7, 2011 7:14 PM
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@Spikeygrrl, this is a buggy site, to be honest, and those comments may reappear, or maybe it was just a bad day. Some days the site works pretty well, other days I've had the same experience, comments seem to have posted okay but really didn't.
This site is also essentially unmoderated, in my experience. Utterly foul language may be deleted, but even that hasn't been consistent.
Comment: #22
Posted by: Mike H
Thu Dec 8, 2011 7:21 AM
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