Editor's Note: Hundreds of Ann Landers' loyal readers have requested that newspapers continue to publish her columns. These letters originally appeared in 1999.
Dear Ann Landers: This is a hard letter for me to write. My husband and I are in our 70s and have raised two children who are a disgrace. We waited until we were over 30 to marry because each of us was taking care of an elderly parent. We were thrilled to have children, and tried to follow all the rules so we could set a good example. Our children were raised with love, religion, family values and discipline. We lived in a nice home in a fine neighborhood, and they attended excellent schools.
We have searched our hearts to understand why they turned out the way they did. They were never neglected, always supported, and were given the best we could afford — and many things we couldn't. Their opportunities were many, but they always chose the wrong path with the wrong people.
Now, we are faced with an unusual problem and need your advice. My husband and I received an unexpected, sizable inheritance. Our children are not aware of this. We do not want them to have it when we die. We have no other relatives, and our friends are as old as we are. We are considering our church and perhaps the Salvation Army.
We have made a list of people mentioned in our local newspaper who have done good deeds with no expectation of being rewarded, and think perhaps we might give some money to them. We would like to feel we have really made a big difference in someone's life.
Our attorney wants to meet us soon to draw up our wills. We are not in the best of health. Please answer soon. — Disappointed Parents, No Name, No State
Dear Parents: I can't imagine what your children did to justify total estrangement, but that's not what you wrote about, so I'll stick to the business at hand.
The good causes you mentioned are excellent places to put your money.
I have been a strong supporter of the Salvation Army for years, and know how much your help would be appreciated. I also recommend the Rehabilitation Institute of Chicago and the Hereditary Disease Foundation in Santa Monica, Calif. Your attorney and tax consultant can advise you as to the best way to give your money away and help prevent your will from being contested by your children.
Dear Ann Landers: I just read the letter from "C.M. in Milpitas, Calif.," who said the Department of Education lost her file and kept billing her for her student loan. After the mess was finally straightened out, she was harassed by bills demanding she pay a balance of $0. That's right — zero dollars.
This happened to me as well. A financial aid adviser told me that the quickest way to solve this problem was to "pay" the bill, so I sent a check for $0. This is the only way the computer knows to stop sending statement letters. Calling the customer-service centers is useless, because the centers don't always communicate with the billing departments. Since I sent that check, I have not been bothered, but get this, Ann, the billing department actually tried to cash it. — Minneapolis
Dear Mpls.: Is the "billing department" another computer, or a live person? If it's the latter, I'd worry.
Lonesome? Take charge of your life and turn it around. Write to receive Ann Landers' booklet "How To Make Friends and Stop Being Lonely." Send a self-addressed, long, business-sized envelope and a check or money order for $4.25 (this includes postage and handling) to: Friends, c/o Ann Landers, c/o Creators Syndicate, 5777 W. Century Blvd., Suite 700, Los Angeles, CA 90045. To find out more about Ann Landers and read her past columns, visit the Creators Syndicate Web page at www.creators.com.
ANN LANDERS (R)
COPYRIGHT 2010 CREATORS.COM
ANN LANDERS 1/1/99 Page 11
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Dear Ann Landers
My cousin and his wife have been seperated for at least 10 years. When they were together, I would see them once in a while at family functions, she nice and I would call her a friend. My cousin doesnt want anymore to do with her and she said she would fight a divorce. She comes to see me at least 3 times a week, she doesnt call first, she shows up at bad times,usually dinner time and I dont always have enough food for her as well. She just cant get over my cousin,she wont let him go. Ive offered my advice, ive listened but im tired of it. She has caught me leaving the house one time, I told her I had to pick up my elderly father from clinic and she kind of pushed her way into coming for the ride, I didnt like it but I gave in and let her come. Now its gotten worst! If im not home, she hunts me down! I was at my parent home for a religous holiday dinner, the door bell rings and guess who it was! She wasnt invited, I told my mother I didnt invite her and that I didnt know what to do. My mother graceously set anther plate at the table. My friend said she just stopped in for a few minutes to say hi and she didnt come for dinner but she hangs around for a least 3 hours or more like she always does when she comes to my house! Ive tried giving her excuses, I even told her I was sick one time and had to go lay down, I got up from my chair but she just sat there and kept talking. What do I do? I feel like she is stalking me and I dont like finding me when Im not at home. I know that Im her last link to my cousin (whom I only seen twice ) since they seperated but she is really starting to bug me. What can I do, short of moving away and not letting her know where.
Comment: #1
Posted by: maria
Tue Mar 23, 2010 6:55 AM
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Dear Ann Landers
My cousin and his wife have been seperated for at least 10 years. When they were together, I would see them once in a while at family functions, she nice and I would call her a friend. My cousin doesnt want anymore to do with her and she said she would fight a divorce. She comes to see me at least 3 times a week, she doesnt call first, she shows up at bad times,usually dinner time and I dont always have enough food for her as well. She just cant get over my cousin,she wont let him go. Ive offered my advice, ive listened but im tired of it. She has caught me leaving the house one time, I told her I had to pick up my elderly father from clinic and she kind of pushed her way into coming for the ride, I didnt like it but I gave in and let her come. Now its gotten worst! If im not home, she hunts me down! I was at my parent home for a religous holiday dinner, the door bell rings and guess who it was! She wasnt invited, I told my mother I didnt invite her and that I didnt know what to do. My mother graceously set anther plate at the table. My friend said she just stopped in for a few minutes to say hi and she didnt come for dinner but she hangs around for a least 3 hours or more like she always does when she comes to my house! Ive tried giving her excuses, I even told her I was sick one time and had to go lay down, I got up from my chair but she just sat there and kept talking. What do I do? I feel like she is stalking me and I dont like her
finding me when Im not at home. I know that Im her last link to my cousin (whom I only seen twice ) since they seperated but she is really starting to bug me. What can I do, short of moving away and not letting her know where.
Comment: #2
Posted by: maria
Tue Mar 23, 2010 7:00 AM
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Can you help me understand why restuarants won't allow adults to order food listed as "childrens, smaller, etc".
I want to eat there but since having bariatric surgery, can't eat an adults portion. Seems they would rather tell me "no" and risk having the rest of my group walk out rather than doing something positive for those of us with special restrictions. Maybe they have a good reason but I can't come up with it.
Comment: #3
Posted by: C.Williamson
Wed Mar 24, 2010 12:49 PM
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Re: C.Williamson. That has never made a lick of sense to me, either. It seems to me that a paying customer ought to be served whatever he or she wants, as long as no laws are broken in the process, e.g. alcohol to an intoxicated person. You should find a restaurant manager and ask that question.
Comment: #4
Posted by: Matt
Thu Mar 25, 2010 11:11 PM
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Sweethearts, Ann Landers is dead and gone, and has been for years. They're re-running her column for those who enjoyed reading it.
Comment: #5
Posted by: sarah morrow
Fri Mar 26, 2010 9:15 PM
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That's true, Sarah...though, it is still fun to discuss her columns with other fans. :)
Comment: #6
Posted by: Jeanne
Sat Mar 27, 2010 12:13 AM
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Hey Maria, I'm not Ann Landers but my advice to you is to just be firm and say "no." Next time your cousin's ex comes over announced simply do not let her in, answer the door with a simle but don't open it too wide, and say as kindly as possible, "I'm sorry but you caught me at a bad time, I'm about to have dinner. Perhaps next time you can call ahead and we can make arrangements." Then simply close the door.
This "friend" probably doesn't realize (or want to realize) she is intruding and you just need to be firm with her. Good luck!
Comment: #7
Posted by: mary
Sat Mar 27, 2010 8:21 AM
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Maria -
You are being too polite and allowing someone (either highly rude or oblivious) to walk all over you. Tell this woman the next time she drops by uninvited that you do not have time for her and she was not invited and tell her she needs to leave. She's going to continue to bother you until you stand up for yourself and firmly tell her to go away. You don't have to answer her calls, let her in the door or take her anywhere with you.
Next time you do see her, (or email? text?) tell her something like:
"Ann, I am very unhappy with her constantly calling me, showing up unannounced at my house and going to my relatives' homes looking for me. I do not want you to do this any more. If you do this in the future, you will not be invited in, so please stop."
After you've put her on notice to stop doing this, if she shows up on your door step or as you are getting into your car and tells you she wants to go with or come in, say in a calm manner something like:
"Ann, I'm sorry but you were not invited to come in/go with me. I think you need to leave."
Don't talk to her any further, just repeat that until you either get to your car or shut the door.
Saying NO is not being rude; SHE is the rude one here by not getting the obvious cues that you are trying to distance yourself from her and it's extremely rude to invite yourself over to someone else's house or visit when you are not close. You've tried to be nice about all of this and she's just continued to take advantage. Being firm and stating your case clearly is the only thing that is going to get through to this woman.
Comment: #8
Posted by: Frankie's Girl
Thu Sep 1, 2011 10:35 AM
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