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The 'Other' Grandparents Give Better Gifts
Dear Annie: I've written you before, but this time I hit the send button.
I have three grandchildren. One is biologically related, and the other two are my daughter's stepchildren from two previous relationships. The older child currently lives with his father, who has an enormous family. The middle child had no contact with his father until age 4, and then the dad re-entered his life and tripled his extended family. They have lots of money and want to make up for lost time, so they shower this child with gifts, toys, clothes and special trips.
We are dreading Christmas. The older boy will get lots of stuff from his paternal family, and the middle boy will get a huge windfall. But the youngest child will get only the small amount we can afford. I will spend the same amount of money on all the children because I treat my grandchildren the same.
The problem is, the two older boys look down on the presents from us because they aren't as good as what their paternal grandparents purchase. And the youngest boy feels slighted because he doesn't get as much as his brothers do. The older boys aren't told to share or stop being selfish. How do we make sure all three boys feel equal? — Trying To Be Fair
Dear Fair: There is no way you can compete with the other grandparents, so please stop berating yourself or the boys for the inequity. Children enjoy presents, but they rarely appreciate them beyond the first few days. Instead of focusing on the material, consider giving the grandchildren the gift of your time. There are plenty of free or inexpensive things you can do with each individual boy that will make him feel special and loved. Present them with a "gift certificate" for, say, a Saturday at the zoo or the park, a camping trip, a special dinner or volunteering. Gear your gifts toward that particular child's interests, and it will not only become something they look forward to, but a way to create lasting memories.
Dear Annie: I am a 72-year-old man living in a senior citizen apartment complex. I'm fit, active and in good health, and I still love the ladies. (They outnumber us about 10 to one.)
I always behave like a gentleman when I go out with a lady, and I get along fine with them until the subject of sex comes up. I am sensitive and don't bring it up until we've been out a few times and have gotten to know each other pretty well.
My question is: Why are older women absolutely terrified of sex? To me, it's the natural thing to do after a relationship has progressed to a certain point. I don't get it. What are they afraid of? — Loveless in Spokane
Dear Spokane: They may be afraid that you will be disappointed with their aging bodies, that they will feel inadequate and unattractive, that they may contract an STD, or that you will lose interest once you have slept with them. But we suspect you may be misinterpreting their response. They may not be terrified, but rather repelled by the idea of sex. They enjoy the courting and cuddling, but that's it. However, not all older women feel this way, so by all means, keep looking.
Dear Annie: Like "Baffled," we also had an issue with our neighbor when we installed the first fence. The neighbor came out with a ruler and was flipping it end over end to prove our survey was incorrect.
We can laugh about this now, but at the time, it was ugly. Tell "Baffled" that once the fence is established, the neighbor will get used to it and perhaps, like our neighbor, will actually compliment them on how nice the yard looks. They will soon learn the old saying, "Good fences make good neighbors." — B.T.D.T.
Annie's Mailbox is written by Kathy Mitchell and Marcy Sugar, longtime editors of the Ann Landers column. Please e-mail your questions to anniesmailbox@comcast.net, or write to: Annie's Mailbox, c/o Creators Syndicate, 5777 W. Century Blvd., Ste. 700, Los Angeles, CA 90045. To find out more about Annie's Mailbox and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate Web page at www.creators.com.
COPYRIGHT 2011 CREATORS.COM
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63 Comments | Post Comment
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LW1 - Hang on, I'm not sure I get this... You daughter was previously married to two different men, each of whom had a child, therefore making her stepmother. She has divorced each of these men and now has a child of her own, yes? How did the middle child not have any contact with his biological father for that long - why was your daughter, his father's ex, the kid's parent? Are they really that close with their "ex"stepmother that they get gifts from you? Don't those boys each have an extra set of maternal grandparents? How many gifts do these kids get?
ANYWAY. The Annies are a bit off the mark. Their response was pretty and nice but if the other two boys are getting gifts from three sets of grandparents, and the younger one is getting gifts only from you and you can't afford much - that's going to suck for him. Like it or not, we've made Christmas about the gifts and he is going to care.
For the older boys, get them gift certificates for something they like. A couple movie tickets, or a gift card to a bulk food store (CANDY!) or something. It's not that expensive, they'll use it (who says no to candy?) and if they get better gifts from someone else, well, that's the way the cookie crumbles. Or, hey, lava lamps. Everyone likes a lava lamp!
As for the youngest... gift cards as above, or a coupon book, and make a donation in his name like a few hens and a rooster to an impoverished family in a third world country. I'm sure he will feel very proud that he is helping someone out. Or, how about a 25$ gift card to Kiva? Kiva is a micro-lending site - he could pick to whom he would like to lend 25$ (to get a business started, buy some cows, a taxi, that sort of thing - mostly in Africa), and when he gets paid back he can do another loan. It's the gift that keeps on giving, and it will teach him about kindness and generosity and helping others instead of focusing on what everyone else is getting.
LW2 - Wtf Annies... They MIGHT be repelled, sure. They might also be allergic to butternut squash. Don't say it like it's the only, most reasonable option. LW2, many women lose interest in sex after menopause. Many never had it to begin with (being taught that sex is dirty was common back when these women were girls). I won't go into it all now but, if you're web savvy, try looking up "why do women lose their sex drive after menopause" or something similar on google. And then, yeah, keep looking! There are ladies out there who would love a chance to jump in the sack a fit, loving man. You'll find her eventually.
Comment: #1
Posted by: Zoe
Thu Dec 15, 2011 9:18 PM
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LW1--"The problem is, the two older boys look down on the presents from us because they aren't as good as what their paternal grandparents purchase. How do we make sure all three boys feel equal?" This is a tough one because it's impossible to moderate the largesses heaped upon the older and middle child. Since you can't control the actions of the other boys' families, you must do whatever you can to ensure the youngest feels special and loved no matter how many presents he may find beneath the Christmas tree. First and foremost, explain as simply as possible to all the children that money and material things do not equate to how much one is loved or appreciated. Also add that gifts are not the reason for the season. Spend plenty of one on one time with your grandchildren, especially the youngest grandchild, and do things things that underscore the true meaning of the holiday season. Bake cookies, go out and view holiday light displays, volunteer at homeless shelters and hospitals and do your best to impart the importance of putting others first. While the older children may believe that their X-boxes and fancy gifts mean they're more important that those who do without those things, it's important that they realize that's not the case. It's great that you love all your grandchildren equally. Trust me, that won't go unnoticed. Good luck!
LW2--"Why are older women absolutely terrified of sex?" They're not terrified so much of the act itself rather what it signifies. For men, sex is a natural physical act that is an expression of their love and affection. For women, it seems sex signifies commitment and emotional attachment. If you're not committed then sex is a risky proposition for many women that means they will risk their heart, their reputation and then find both broken once you bed them and suddenly lose interest. Think about what your true motives are in keeping company with these women. If your goal is to meet a companion whom you enjoy sharing your life, then be patient and allow the relationship to grow and blossom before broaching the subject of sex. If your motives are to gain physical gratification, then think twice about coercing a vulnerable woman into sleeping with you when you have no intention of taking the relationship further.
Comment: #2
Posted by: Chris
Thu Dec 15, 2011 9:28 PM
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LW1: On this one, I'm in agreement with Zoe - about how confusing the letter is. These are ex-step-grandchildren of the LW? That doesn't make sense, because why would the middle child be living with ex-stepmother? (It's implied, since it says the older child lives with his father, but doesn't mention where the middle child lives). Maybe the LW's daughter is married to the mother of the children? If so, it would be odd that the biological mother isn't mentioned anywhere, and neither are the 3rd set of grandparents. But come to think of it, the kids have to have (at least) 3 sets of grandparents - maternal, paternal, and step-maternal (the LW), so why is there only a comparison between the step-maternal-grandparents and the paternal grandparents...?
Comment: #3
Posted by: Steve C
Thu Dec 15, 2011 9:31 PM
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LW1 GRANDMA: Don't try to make it all come out fair EXCEPT FOR WHAT YOU DO. Don't try to fix what can't be fixed. Life is not fair, if it were, we'd all be blue eyed blond(s) and wear the same clothes. Now that we got that out of the way--What your granddchidren's extended family/other side of the famiy does has no bearing on how you love your children. And don't let anyone goad you into playing that game. It is if YOU start giving the youngest more material things, more physical attention, etc that things will get ugly. The kids know you are fair and equal.
Just Love Them.
Another grandma.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
LW2: I have been listening to some widows who have started to redate. Many have said that the hand holding, hugging, out to a movie, dancing, etc are fine. They had fine, wonderful marriages that included their dead spouse--someone they found when they were young, had strong feelings about each other, healthy sex lives, etc.
At this stage of their lives with children, grandchildren, extended family, they want friendship, not shack up time (their term for sex). Does not matter how heathy and active they are, they have self respect and also the honor to their marriage which was wonderful. You are asking for a quick hop in the bed, and these ladies were raised as such if you are married, you too shall recieve.
You do not talk of marriage again, just who can I screw around with. If they are newly dating after 50-60 years of marriage, (and you do not say you have been married) you can't possibly understand the committment they had from their MAN over the decades.
And don't forget that over time, they have learned to read people, seen others be made fools of, some swept off their feet and when THEIR money was gone, so was the lover boy.
Just some answers to your quetions.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Boy would I love to have a fence between my neighbors and us--I keep thinking the teen son will leave home soon, but then the way he behaves--he won't be going off to work NOR college as long as he can couch suck at home. He goes to school for the troubled kids, is home 3.5 hours after he left, parents at work and so now with it cold, he moved his crap inside--but pushes the window up--and sets the speakers in it, facing my house. His mom rolls in, it is OUT quickly. Soon she should get her very high heat bill---
All summer long this goes on, but then I found out not just the noise ordinance but what is blaring at my house. Swear words, words of violence, etc have an ordinance. So the song talking about raping little girls and how to go about it--got the cops sitting out in front--the kid was not paying attention (looking for the direction his mom would come) and the cops walked up behind him. Just about crapped his hanging pants. They got a full view of all. Nothing like go to your room and crank it as you wish, BUT taking an Ipod, taking the big speakers and sitting them on the property line--then cranking it all the way, right into my living room window.
And poor boy is so mis-understood--according to the parents. 2 years ago, it was dragging his butt out of drug house--so lesser of 2 evils--and the neighborhood at the mercy.
With 2 daycares right here, they call the cops regularly--napping kids wakening due to blasting noise.
Anyway, if I had a fence, it would bounce right back into their house and then mama would have to deal with it.
To think I would ever request a fence--from the wide open countryside growing up. None of the other neighbors over 28 years--gave reason for a fence.
Comment: #4
Posted by: Joyce/MN
Thu Dec 15, 2011 9:34 PM
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ZOE, I like your suggetions for gifts.
One thing I decided this year in response to all the non-profit requests in the mail the last couple weeks (I have already given x1 minimum so far) was to find a family in the community who is down and out, and the money I would have written my check to the non-profits was given in a gift certificate for the local grocery store. The family I chose has a crippled male head of household--has parts of both feet ampuated due to diabetes, he holds down a job teaching in a Christian school--special needs kids--OH he has severe arthritis too--they just took 3 grandchildren from their mentally ill daughter who has abused them greatly. Anyway, have run into her all summer at garage sales as she tried to find clothes for the kids. I know feeding children is expensive and my donation will help.
I have my granddchildren shop for toys for tots program we donate too and I also make fleece blankets in kid design they take as well to the sites. The girls also help me shop for the food shelf. I have taken them there to see it and how it works. At 5, 9--they are well versed in the have nots. Always asking when they outgrow something if we know someone who would want it.
Oh, and instead of buying more, we get material and sew things.
Comment: #5
Posted by: Joyce/MN
Thu Dec 15, 2011 9:43 PM
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Re: Joyce
I love your gifts/gift ideas! No one did that when I was a kid but I would have been sooo proud if someone had.
Re: Steve C
I'm glad you agree with me today but you should agree with me on the age thing from yesterday, too. If you want to be on the winning side of that debate, that is ;) I left a last reply for you yesterday - if it doesn't convince you I'm right it should at least convince you that it doesn't matter :)
Comment: #6
Posted by: Zoe
Thu Dec 15, 2011 9:53 PM
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Re: Zoe
The LW's daughter is the STEP MOTHER to the two older boys. I can't quite figure out the rest, except I think that the two older boys have maybe multiple father figures? (where is Jerry Springer when we need him!?)
That being said, I think this is a case of using the money and time the LW spends creatively. If two children are being showered with gifts from other families, make sure that you buy as many packages under YOUR tree for the kids. Meaning, if the two older boys have 5 gifts (3 from other grandparents and 2 from you), you spend less and give 5 packages to the child who doesn't have as many people buying. This alleviates the "well, you're out of presents to open" bad feelings.
My other suggestion would be to have the other grandparents/families have separate holiday celebrations with the other children. One of the worst memories I have growing up is being forced to be at Christmas with my dad and his second wife. Her parents didn't even bother to buy any of us token gifts (admittedly, there were a lot of us and they didn't know us at all) and watching them shower their biological grandchildren (our younger sibs) with gifts while we sat it out was painful. for your younger grandchild to have to watch those kids get more (and more expensive) gifts will stay with them. try to separate it out, or to encourage your daughter to do so.
Finally, the whole responsibility for this rests with the parents with whom the children live (and who can tell that from this letter! Yikes! I need an org chart or a family tree!). the time is long past for a family meeting with the parents about teaching the two kids who get the lion's share of presents that they don't need to rub it in to their younger sibling. If that happened in MY house, those expensive toys would be put away until that child learned some manners. The parents are teaching the children the wrong lessons about gift giving and receiving and in the process are making the LW feeling guilt where none should be felt.
One is reminded of the immortal words of the Oompaloompas when describing Veruca Salt: "What do you get when your kid is BRAT,... (etc) you know exactly whose to blame... the mother and the father!"
Comment: #7
Posted by: nanchan
Thu Dec 15, 2011 9:57 PM
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Re: Joyce/MN I had a neighbor who played loud, not-to-my-liking music. I set my speakers up facing his house and cranked up the most godawful German opera music I could find. It wasn't long before he turned down his junk a bit, so I turned mine down a bit. He turned his down a bit more, and so did I. Worked out just fine.
Comment: #8
Posted by: sarah stravinska
Thu Dec 15, 2011 10:32 PM
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The LW's daughter's husband had two children from two previous relationships. Then the husband married the daughter and they had a child. End result: LW's daughter is stepmother to the two older boys, and the biological parent of the youngest.
The only thing I can suggest here is that LW's daughter and husband suggest to all the families on a spending cap for Christmas. If the other families want to take their respective biological offspring on trips, buy their school clothes and give them more presents on their birthday or other, non-shared holiday, then I should think that would be fine since the other two boys wouldn't expect to share in that.
If LW's daughter isn't willing to enforce a spending cap, then oh well. Spend what you can afford to give, and remind the childrens' parents that you expect them to teach their children to show appropriate gratitude and to be polite. Let it end there. If the kids grow up to be entitled snots who look down on people with less money, it certainly won't be because you didn't buy Christmas presents that were cool enough. Hopefully your daughter and her husband will teach the kids the value of a dollar and about the complexity of blended family relationships, and that the quality of a relationship isn't based on the stuff they give you. Just remember that it's their job and their responsibility to do so, not yours--and I don't mean that in a "You're being nosy" way, but in a "Give yourself a break, you're not the one on the hook here" way.
Comment: #9
Posted by: limniade
Thu Dec 15, 2011 11:02 PM
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LW1: Agreed with the Annies and others BTL. You can't compete materially, so don't try and don't get hung up on it. Focus on the things money can't buy. And kudos to you for including the non-bio kids as your grandchildren.
@Zoe and others, I have a feeling the LW's daughter is in a lesbian relationship with a woman who had 2 previous husbands/boyfriends/babydaddys, and the third child is either hers or theirs together... that's the only way I can think for the relationships to make sense.
Comment: #10
Posted by: outoutout
Thu Dec 15, 2011 11:09 PM
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Re: limniade "The LW's daughter's husband had two children from two previous relationships. Then the husband married the daughter and they had a child. End result: LW's daughter is stepmother to the two older boys, and the biological parent of the younger child."
Except that the two older children have different fathers to the younger child. Which is the crux of the whole story - that the stepchildren are getting more from their paternal relatives than the LW1 can give the third "bio" grandkid.
The other possibility is that these are LW1's ex-stepchildren (from two previous husbands), but then how are they brothers to the third child? And why are they living with her if there's no relationship? And why are the third child's paternal relatives not mentioned at all; it's only about what LW1 can give?
Comment: #11
Posted by: outoutout
Thu Dec 15, 2011 11:26 PM
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I think this is how the relationships are set up for LW1. The Dad had a relationship with a woman and had the older boy, who he has custody of. Then Dad had a relationship with another woman and another son, who he did not see until he was four years old (and it sounds like the bio mom has custody of that boy). Then he married the LW's daughter and had a third child, who is the LW's bio grandchild. Thus, the LW's daughter has one bio child and two stepsons, while the LW's son-in-law has three bio children from three different women.
I think the perfect gift that grandma could get for all three boys is a vasectomy for their father. And counselling for her duaghter to figure out why she would marry and create a baby with such an idiot.
Comment: #12
Posted by: Jane
Fri Dec 16, 2011 2:46 AM
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LW 1 - I, too, am utterly confused about how these step-children fit in. It sounds as if the daughter had two boyfriends and they each had a child from another woman but then she broke up with these boyfriends. If that's the case, I don't understand why she's considered a step-mother. But anyway...
I know it sucks but you can't stop the other grandparents from buying so much. I don't know how old they are, but when they become older they will appreciate spending time with you more than how many gifts you bought them. My paternal grandparents didn't give us tons of gifts (they couldn't afford it) but I fondly remember spending time with them. Think about your favorite memories with friends and family...how many of them include getting gifts? They're acting like kids now but it will change. Just be there for them and spend time with them. Zoos, movies, etc are good suggestions.
LW2 - I'm in my early to mid 30's and I would be taken aback if a guy I went out with a few times asked me to sleep with him. Call me old fashioned, but I wouldn't hop in bed with someone I've only been on a few dates with. Maybe that's why they're "terrified?" Or maybe they think once you get what you want, you'll be gone. You've never mentioned being in any kind of relationship with these women...just a few dates and then sex. Maybe some of them have had mastectomies and are afraid to bring it up (that was an issue with an older relative of mine).
Comment: #13
Posted by: Michelle
Fri Dec 16, 2011 2:51 AM
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Jane,
But the letter states that the older child currently lives with his father. Wouldn't she have stated that the child lives with her daughter? By saying "he lives with his father" implies, to me, that it's in another residence. I don't know. It's all so screwy!
Comment: #14
Posted by: Michelle
Fri Dec 16, 2011 2:58 AM
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Actually, to correct my previous post, it occured to me that the third son is not the son-in-law's bio child--it's the mom's from a previous relationship--so that's why the paternal grandparents don't shower that child with gifts as well. The mom has a child from a previous relationship, the dad has two children from two previous relationships. So the best gifts for the LW to give to the three boys are a vasectomy for their father, a tubal ligation for their mother, and counselling for herself, to figure out why she thinks the biggest problem for the poor kids in this mess is that they don't get an equal amount of Christmas presents.
Comment: #15
Posted by: Jane
Fri Dec 16, 2011 3:17 AM
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Yes, it is screwy, Kim. Lol. But I think the reason the LW worded it like that is because it explains how the middle child's extended family became "tripled" when the son-in-law began contact with him when he was 4. The older child lives with his Dad (bio mom doesn't seem to be in the picture) so he get presents from his two sets of grandparents: his less affluent LW grandparents and his wealthier father's grandparents. Middle child was only in connection with his bio mom's family, so he had one set of grandparents to get gifts from, but now that he's been connected with his Dad and his extended family, he suddenly has three sets of grandparents: his bio-mom's, his wealthy Dad's, and the LW. Son #3 only gets gifts from the LW (which suggests the bio-dad is not in the picture), and he doesn't get gifts the Dad's wealthy parents--which would seem to mean he is not their bio grandchild and the other two are. So oldest boy gets gifts from 2 sets of grandparents, middle child frm three sets of grandparents, and youngest child from just one set. So the oldest boy gets "lot os stuff", but the middle child gets "a huge winfall". It's so sad this is a family that makes such a distinction between bio and step grandkids. Yuck!
Comment: #16
Posted by: Jane
Fri Dec 16, 2011 3:31 AM
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Okay, I'm a little confused... so this old guy wants to get physical with lots of ladies but his neighbor put up a fence so he can't get to them and he ran out of money because his daughter has too many stepchildren that get rich presents from their other grandparents? Maybe someone should tell him he spits when he talks too fast, and that will probably solve the problem.
Comment: #17
Posted by: Mike H
Fri Dec 16, 2011 3:55 AM
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Actually, this has the makings of a new board game--Figure Out That Family. You could have all kinds of different situations like this and the first team or person who figures out the relationships correctly wins.
Comment: #18
Posted by: Jane
Fri Dec 16, 2011 3:57 AM
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Has anyone considered that LW1's daughter is in a relationship with another woman? This would explain the other children. The daughter has given birth to a child, the biological grandchild. No husband was mentioned.
Comment: #19
Posted by: shorty50
Fri Dec 16, 2011 4:11 AM
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LW2: Listen, you old goat. What makes you think you're entitled to engage in the ultimate intimate act with a woman after having ‘been out with her a few times'? Do you think you're some sort of great gentleman for waiting until the third or fourth date? You talk about how it's the ‘natural' thing to do, but you say nothing about love or commitment or even an exclusive relationship. You aren't as sensitive as you think you are.
I agree with Chris, here. Many women, especially mature ones, associate sex with love and commitment. I don't think they are terrified of sex, as you say. What they're afraid of is getting intimately involved too soon with a man who may not be interested in a serious relationship. They've been on this sad old earth long enough to know that sex does not necessarily equal love and commitment for a man, and they don't want to get hurt.
Incidentally, how do you react when these women refuse to go to bed with you? Do you accept it or do you dump them? I'm inclined to think the latter, which seems to indicate they were right to say no.
So you ‘don't get it'. Obviously not. Your view of sex doesn't seem to be any different from that of a man in his twenties. You don't have the faintest idea how women feel about sexual involvement, and that seems kind of pathetic for a 72-year-old man. The Annies aren't helpful , either, with their suggestion that older women are ‘repelled' by sex. Many women lose their libido after menopause, but their lack of interest in sex doesn't mean they find it repulsive. Instead of telling ‘Loveless' (who doesn't seem to looking for love) to keep looking, they should have told him to examine his motives. If all he wants is sex for fun, he should be prepared for a fair amount of rejection. These women are mature enough to know what they want, and many of them don't want a casual sexual relationship.
Comment: #20
Posted by: JMG
Fri Dec 16, 2011 5:33 AM
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Mike H:
I bet the old coot's throat clicks as well. Blech.
What a creep. Hope he runs into an open cabinet door and knocks his dentures out.
Comment: #21
Posted by: jar8818
Fri Dec 16, 2011 5:40 AM
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LW1-
There is no way you can make them feel equal because you are not in control of the huge manna that rains down on the two older boys, nor of the way this is being handled by the parents - poorly, I might add. It would appear that the children's thinking reflects that of the parents.
If you can afford it, perhaps you can finance or help finance some activity he's not currently doing and is yet interested in, such as sports or music lessons.
Does this "extended" family include the older boys on special trips and family outings? I have a feeling they don't, otherwise, what would they be compensating for? There goes your angle - start taking the boy to the zoo, the museum, the rock show, the ball game, the movies or whatever interests him, if you don't already. It's (relatively) affordable, it provides quality time and that's your only edge. Include one of the other boys once in a while. If they start crying foul, you can tell them exactly why you're favouring the young one.
Apart from that, all you can do is explain the facts of life to this child, how you cannot compensate all by yourself for the number of gifts the older two are getting and that your finances are more limited than theirs. Children are amazingly capable of understanding simple math - when they put their mind to it. This is also a golden teaching moment to impart an essential lession on the way to maturity - "nobody ever said life was fair".
I would also suggest you have a heart-to-heart with your daughter, and gently explain to her that allowing inequities between the children is not in their best interest and can also easily backfire on the parents - the older boys will develop a culture of entitlement and the younger boy may become so resentful after years of feeling beggared by his own family as to cut off all contact as an adult. Not to mention that little boys who are angry at their mothers often end up angry at all women.
I'm glad you mentioned you hit the "send" button... this means you went online to e-mail your letter, and that you possibly read BTL.
@Zoe
I got the impression that the two step-children came from her husband's two previous relationships, but then Michelle and shorty50 both have a point. Perhaps the LW will post BTL and clear this up!
P.S.: "(who says no to candy?)"
Well, *I* was never big on candy... I only bought the gum because of the Beatles cards. ;-)
LW2-
Chris said it all. CLAP-CLAP-CLAP-CLAP-CLAP-CLAP, standing ovation!
And what Joyce/mn said.
@Zoe
"being taught that sex is dirty was common back when these women were girls"
Those teachings are still very much around, otherwise there wouldn't be so many YOUNG men out there with a whore and Madonna complex... sigh.
Comment: #22
Posted by: Lise Brouillette
Fri Dec 16, 2011 5:54 AM
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@JMG & jar 8818
LOL!
Comment: #23
Posted by: Lise Brouillette
Fri Dec 16, 2011 5:57 AM
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LW1: When our kids were young we had very little to spend on Christmas, kind of like now. We would buy one nice thing for each kid and a few little things. My SIL would just cover up her kids with presents and even showed favoritism for a niece and nephew. She would go overboard for her kids and the other two. I just sat there one Christmas in shock. Part of me was disgusted that there was so much that the kids couldn't even keep up with what they had got. Another part of me felt shame that I couldn't do the same for my kids.
Several years later when my kids were grown we were talking about this one day with my oldest son and I expressed to him how much we would love to have been able to buy for him like the SIL did for her kids. He told us that he was grateful that we didn't. He was grateful for the time we spent with them doing things. He told us if we had bought them presents like that they wouldn't have appreciated it.
So spend time with those kids. Love them. They will remember that and it will make a more lasting impression than showering them with gifts.
Comment: #24
Posted by: Carol
Fri Dec 16, 2011 6:02 AM
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LW1 - I've re-read the letter and I don't even understand this mess. Who...,how......no wait ...when? .... Never mind. Do what the Annies said. Whatever that was.
LW2 - Maybe they just want companionship and not sex and maybe you're sending out a bit of creep vibe. I think it's the creep thing. Sorry.
LW3 - Make sure it's a good strong fence your hogs don't get out. I dunno. I got nothing on this one.
Comment: #25
Posted by: Rick
Fri Dec 16, 2011 6:03 AM
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LW2-
Maybe they're not repulsed by sex, but by YOU. I don't see any mention of you wanting a relationship in there, not any reference to you even have had one in the past. Only the sentiment that woo-hoo, let's exploit this 10-to-1 ratio to get some hanky-panky!
So you think you're bein such a gentleman because you don't treat them like cheap whore and jump them right the first night, as if their favours were only worth the price of a meal. No, what you do is take for granted that the 10-to-1 ratio should make them desperate enough to accept being (not so much) friends with benefits. You're not so nice, siree, just because even more crass exists isn't enough to make you nice. Worse is no excuse for bad.
Comment: #26
Posted by: Lise Brouillette
Fri Dec 16, 2011 6:13 AM
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You know what? The "gift" to go volunteer is about the shittiest gift I have ever heard of in my whole fucking life. Seriously! If you want to volunteer, sure, set it up with the kids. But don't call it a gift. Your grandkids will just despise you for the lie. Volunteering is something I do because people need help and that's what decent people do. But it's not a "gift" to me that there are starving people, homeless people, or sick people who can't help themselves, and it's absolutely shitty to pretend it is, you self-satisfied, sanctimonious toolbags.
Comment: #27
Posted by: Marion
Fri Dec 16, 2011 6:20 AM
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@Marion,
That's the Christmas Spirit!! (Insert sarcasm here)
Marion, calm down.
Comment: #28
Posted by: Carol
Fri Dec 16, 2011 6:31 AM
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Re: Marion
The gift isn't volunteering, it is spending time together doing something good for the community, and taking the opportunity to teach kids a different kind of Christmas spirit.
Missing the point much?
Re: outoutout
Hmm, interesting idea. However, LW1 says the two step-children are from two previous relationships, which implies to me that they are two of LW1's daughter's relationships... But I don't think we'll know unless LW1 comes on and clears it up for us.
Comment: #29
Posted by: Zoe
Fri Dec 16, 2011 6:42 AM
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Well, that is one thought.
Comment: #30
Posted by: Gerhardt
Fri Dec 16, 2011 6:46 AM
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I'm confused, and I am letter writer #1! (So much for late night stressing out)
I'm the "step", and my daughter is my daughter in law. She had three children, two from former husbands. My son is the thirds child father.
In re-reading my letter and everyones advice... heres the crux of it. I'm feeling guilty because, as the younger two boys day care provider, I spend LOTS of time with them, doing lots of activities. I don't babysit for anyone else, and we do lots of day field trips. I'm feeling guilty because I spend very little time with the older boy, who lives with his father. No matter what I try, he only has 24 hours in a day. I try to be fair with presents... everyone receives a similar amount spent. So, the oldest gets very little time, and 1/3 of my present money, but a lot from his paternal side. The middle boy gets lots of time and 1/3 of my present money, and a HUGE amount from his paternal side. The younger boy gets lots of time, and 1/3 of my present money. So everybody ends up with a short stick. All I can do is love them, do the best that I can for them, and hope.
Comment: #31
Posted by: fair
Fri Dec 16, 2011 8:01 AM
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Re: fair
That makes a lot more sense. Thank you for the clarification!
It is unfortunate that your DIL had so many kids by so many men; it makes it so hard to treat them all fairly and I sympathize with your attempts to do so. Your son and DIL should be communicating and coordinating with ALL the grandparents to ensure that all boys are treated fairly. Has this conversation been had? You're a grandmother and this should time of year should be fun for you, not this stressful.
If you haven't already, talk to your DIL and your son and try to figure out the best way to treat them all fairly because there isn't much you can do yourself if you have limited funds. Your choices are to give them all 1/3 of the loot which will leave the youngest with fewer overall gifts, or to give the youngest MORE and have the other two feel left out.
That said, you say that the older two "look down" on the gifts you get them. How old are these boys? If they are old enough to understand gratitude and generosity, they are old enough to be told "since you receive so much because you are lucky to have a big, generous family, we have decided to donate a flock of chickens to a poor family in Africa in your name so they can have some food and income - and you also each get a $20 gift card to the bulk food store where you can all pick out as much candy as you want, and then we will go to the movie store, you can each pick out a movie, and we'll have pizza and stay up late watching them all together and eating candy!"
That should be affordable for you, it will give them something to be proud about (chickens or whatever), you will be able to spend time with ALL of them during a fun night where they can stay up extra late, and they will get something tangible (gift card / candy).
Comment: #32
Posted by: Zoe
Fri Dec 16, 2011 8:13 AM
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As a grandmother of ten, three of which are "step" it makes no difference at all that "the three" are not my biological grandchildren. They are all treated the same, we do not "favor" our biological grandchildren. Two of our sons fell in love with women who had children from prior marriages. These wonderful women fell in love with our sons, each who have children from prior marriages. We are blessed to have these children and women in our lives. Blended families can and do work out well as long as everyone has the proper attitude.......welcome with open arms and share the love and joy of being "their" grandparents. What the other grandparents do is obviously up to them, but they do not go overboard and include "their step grandchildren" in the gift giving as well.
Comment: #33
Posted by: Bailey
Fri Dec 16, 2011 9:41 AM
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Marion @ #27
I don't see where anybody said it was a gift to the kids (or other family member, or whoever) to volunteer. The gift part is the gift certificate, toys or what ever was purchased for disadvantaged people.
Comment: #34
Posted by: C Meier
Fri Dec 16, 2011 10:08 AM
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My Mother's parents grew up poor during the depression and were negative about things. My Father's parents were different, one came from a wealthy family and one had been poor, but the families enthusiasm about life made it a non-issue.
When my Father's parents died ten years ago, my Mother's parents told me that they never thought they could compete with my Father's parents wealth and style. I was stunned. While growing up, I always felt affectionate toward them, but didn't understand why they rarely called or visited.
It's true, kids can be bowled over by expensive gifts and other trappings, but what they remember when they are mature, responsible adults with normal value systems, is the TIME spent with grandparents. They gave of themselves, they both had busy schedules and lots of friends, but they made the time to visit us. They lived two hours away when I was in elementary school and we would wait outside for them to drive up. We would wait from the time my Dad said they were on their way until they pulled into our driveway. Why? They rarely brought gifts, but they talked to us and told us about their lives, their childhoods and asked us about school, our friends, what we liked to do, and they encouraged us. They swam in our pool with us and while they didn't ride our horse, they did pet him and speak kindly to him. They loved our dogs and tolerated our cats. They were positive and were interested. It showed. If we ever hurt their feelings or offended them, they must have kept it to themselves. because they were ALWAYS there for us. They surprised us for Christmas when I was thirteen. We lived 3,000 miles away and I just about fell over when they walked in the kitchen to join us for breakfast on Christmas morning. My Grandmother wore her fur coat with a velvet running suit and designer sneakers. She had great style.
Now my Mother's parents griped about money, waste and only wanted to talk about gossip. Who was doing what and with whom and how much trouble somebody was in. My maternal Grandfather was self-made and enormously talented but tended to like to entertain you rather than speak to you and we didn't always get his jokes or understand what he was interested in. They never told us about their childhood except to complain about how awful, poor or unfair things were. My grandmother pursed her lips a lot and mentioned often how things were not up to her level of expectation. When they did give us gifts, they expected to be SHOWERED with thanks and attention for their gifts to us. Often they were not usable or practical and while we were thankful and said so, clearly we didn't give them the level of gratitude they were expecting. We were reminded often.
Who the heck who would you want to spend time with if you were in my shoes? At my paternal Grandfather's wake, my Mother's parents pretty much blamed my Father's parents for the not-as-close-as they'd-have-liked relationship with us. My parents are wealthy and my husbands parents have never been afraid to spend money on the best there is to offer, but I have told my daughter and both sets of grandparents to cool it with the gifts. I want their time with her, not stuff.
Don't fall into the trap that all kids want is gifts, money and nothing else will do. Your time spent with them, especially being positive and interested in them, taking genuine interest in them, will be what determines your relationship with them, NOT the presents.
Comment: #35
Posted by: Chelle
Fri Dec 16, 2011 10:18 AM
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@Marion (again)
OK, I see know where the Annie's said this. Your comment threw me because usually because when some body BTL says "your" they mean another poster. The will say "the Annie's" if talking about the actual column. But chill out. Volunteering can mean raising money for the hockey team, it doesn't have to mean helping starving people.
Comment: #36
Posted by: C Meier
Fri Dec 16, 2011 10:26 AM
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@fair
Are you trying to be confusing? "One is biologically related, and the other two are my daughter's stepchildren from two previous relationships.". Then you say your daughter is your daughter in law, and had three children, two from former husbands. Is she the biological mother of the two or the stepmother?
Comment: #37
Posted by: Carly O
Fri Dec 16, 2011 10:37 AM
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Re: Carly O.
Fair's explanation makes sense and I'm going to take it at face value. I expect that the Annies totally botched the wording when they edited the letter for printing.
Comment: #38
Posted by: Zoe
Fri Dec 16, 2011 11:38 AM
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Re: sarah stravinska--
I wish I had the same response on the noisy next door. I told the kid that he does not hear any of my music from my radio I set in the flower bed when I am weeding. I said I listen to my church music, sing along with it. HE TOLD ME that he was a devil worshiper and if he HAD heard my stuff, he would have been obligated to do me harm AS HE WAS A DEVIL WORSHIPER. I told him to go in the house and talk to his dad.
THEN I EMAILED THE WHOLE CONVERSATION to his mother. I know they are not with a church, their parents and siblings are. Church is for funerals or when you are dying and need one. Her words.
The declaration of having to do me harm was reported to the neighbors who also have noise issues ongoing, so they would be careful. It was also in the police report. Since then we have had our tires 'done twice'. Broken stem valves. Setting in my driveway. Very difficult unless you are a curb huger/jumper. My car is in the drive most of the time. And again, another police report--in case it was repeated the 3rd time. Insurance company asked for the report.
Anyway, my little girls are careful of going out with the music to dance on my back yard patio area (mini BB court once upon a time.) And they have a girl elementary age who comes over to sing and dance with them. My girls (5, 9) use their Bible School/Sunday School cds. They sing in church during offertory, special events, etc. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
RE: Fair; We have the same situation in our family, except the 2 boys never knew their fathers. So when said mom married my brother, had 2 more boys,--we don't have yours, mine, ours. They are all OURS. And there is no making up for going on. My brother treated all his sons the same, the family has done the same. We don't have any rich extended stepping in, maybe that made it easier for us. But we never drew any lines. They were all my nephews.
Thanks for the explaination. As that last grandma on that side (hope your son sticks with her) you have the rest of your life to continue to show them how much you love. That is more priceless than any gift wrapped package. Peace--the reason for the season.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Wow, Marion. I feel sad for you to be in this 'place of unhappiness'. The spirit of giving warms the heart so much. I hope something happens that can give you the peace in your heart.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
My Christmas' that I remember well are the very lean ones of the late 50s early 60s. My mom made us new winter jammies,(she made our coats, redid hand-me-downs) and she took some dolls from our toy box, fixed them up, did their hair nice, made new clothes (about 2x the size of Barbies). And our Christmas eve was about late evening church, having many people come over who had no one or place to be for Christmas, making homemade ice cream, singing songs, and sharing love. The 7 of us lived in a 2 bedroom house. Bunkbeds were old army bunks. And we had an oil burner in the dining room which heated the whole house. And the snowy blizzards that came often left us shut in together--we played board games, made popcorn (B4 microwave).
This will be the first Christmas without my dad. I just had my first birthday without him a couple weeks ago. I pulled out old cards from my parents and read them. I have no regrets on what I never got as a child, just grateful of how our family got to spend time with friends and family.
My heart goes to those who for reasons not in their control, cannot be home (meaning with loved ones) for Christmas. The spirit of the season is in your heart, never wrapped up in a box. Try to live like each year is Christmas.
Comment: #39
Posted by: Joyce/MN
Fri Dec 16, 2011 11:40 AM
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@Carly: She probably wrote to the Annies in a hurry and just forgot the :in-law” part. It happens. Don't grill her about it.
Comment: #40
Posted by: Casey
Fri Dec 16, 2011 11:46 AM
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Re: Zoe
More than likely, it was me..... you know those nights where you can't sleep, and you're SO worried about something. Thats when I wrote my letter. However, I do think Annies did a little creative cutting. But the confusion was 98% my fault. I shouldn't hit the 'send' button during a stressed/sleepless night.
Thank you, to everyone, for the kind thoughts and words. While I'd love to have an open conversation with all the family members or near family members to come to clearer understanding, I won't be the one to START that conversation. Too many of 'us' live for drama! Since I wrote originally, I've decided that the only thing I can control is "me". So I spent what I could, divided as equally as possible, and have done the best that I can. All three will know that they can come to me for anything. All three will know I love them.
Comment: #41
Posted by: fair
Fri Dec 16, 2011 11:58 AM
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TO REPHRASE WHAT I MEANT TO TYPE:
Try to live like each DAY is Christmas. (Was on the phone with my mom.)
Comment: #42
Posted by: Joyce/MN
Fri Dec 16, 2011 12:05 PM
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LW1: "How do we make sure all three boys feel equal?" You can't. And that's a really stupid question. How old are you? What have you been doing all these years? Growing old ungracefully? Wow, all those wasted years learning nothing about yourself or others. Good job. When your values are placed on material things how can you expect children to feel otherwise? Fix yourself first.
LW2: It's a well known Annie fact that most women don't actually enjoy sex they only do it because they have to. How else do you get a man to marry you? LOL
Comment: #43
Posted by: Diana
Fri Dec 16, 2011 12:42 PM
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@fair -- you have gotten good advice (despite the initial confusion!), and it sounds like you already came to the conclusion that others were suggesting -- you can only control you, so you do the best you can and go from there. I can't say I'm surprised that you don't feel able to have the open conversation that does so desperately need to be made. The people who should be starting that conversation are the parents, and sadly, I can't say I'm surprised that they aren't doing it. I'm going to type something here, and I am going to ask that you please, please do not take this the wrong way, because I KNOW this is going to sound like I'm judging your son and DIL harshly, and that really isn't my intent. Unfortunately, it just isn't uncommon that parents in these types of super-blended families, where there are multiple moms and/or dads, just are not able to see the problem and/or are unwilling to do anything about it. Whether it's because the pain of the previous broken relationships is still just too fresh for them to have calm, adult conversations with the previous spouse/partner, or something else, they're just not able to do the right thing for the kids.
Again, I want to be clear -- I'm not saying your son and DIL are bad people or that they don't want what's best for the kids. I'm just saying that, in my (albeit limited) experience, it's pretty common that even where all parties really do just want what's best for the kids, it's like they can't wrap their heads around what that actually would be or how to make that happen.
And, unfortunately, from what you said about certain parties enjoying drama, I can see that it is highly unlikely that the people who are in the best position to do something about this will not.
Best you can do is do what YOU know is right and fair. But I am sorry that you are in that predicament.
Comment: #44
Posted by: Lisa
Fri Dec 16, 2011 12:52 PM
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@Diana I would make a comment on your comment to LW1, but I don't want to stoop to your level
@fair. Ignore Diana - she's always like that
Sorry if this double or triple posts - it keeps saying "incorrect captcha"
Comment: #45
Posted by: C Meier
Fri Dec 16, 2011 12:54 PM
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@nanchan -- as someone who has suddenly found herself on the other side of the situation you grew up with, I just wanted to say how sorry I am that you had to put up with the unequal treatment, etc.
* Somewhat Off-Topic TMI ALERT *
My BIL (hubby's bro) has three children he had with a woman he doesn't actually like all that much (he just liked getting laid regularly, and she just wanted his money and thought the way to get it was to keep having children). The woman also has an older son from a previous relationship. We all welcomed her and her older son with open arms. His father wasn't in the picture, and we felt sorry for him. But it went beyond pity -- he was a cute kid, albeit a bit troubled, and we really loved him. We ALWAYS had presents for him on Christmas and birthdays, etc., and his presents were always every bit as nice (if not nicer -- simply because he was older) as the other kids'. But his mother's mother would actually say to him -- in front of all of us (so who knows what else she was saying when we weren't there), "now, now, you know they're not here to see YOU, they're here to see your sisters. You're not part of their family, they don't care about you." Whenever I heard her say that, I always made a point of saying that wasn't true, and I always took the time to play with him (again, probably played with him MORE -- you can't really play with a newborn, for example), etc. I wanted to make sure that he both HEARD that we loved him and cared about him and that he could see for himself, through our actions, that we loved him and cared about him.
Well, here we are, years later, and BIL is not longer with the mother of his children, the two of them hate each other and are at each other's throats, and we no longer get to see her oldest child. She doesn't want him to have anything to do with the rest of us. While I can understand that she doesn't feel too kindly for us, you'd think she'd still want to do what's right for the kids. We were still buying him presents, asking to see him, etc. We found out from the other children that our presents were never given to him and that he thinks we hate him. Here we are, another Christmas, and I know that even if I buy something for him, he will not get it and will not even be allowed to know that something was purchased for him by us. And I know that when the other children go back to their mother's house with all kinds of new things from us, he will believe that we purposely don't get him anything and that we don't like him and never did.
I cannot begin to tell you how horribly we all feel about this, but there is nothing we can do because the parents are incapable of being responsible adults. Unfortunately, this is what happens when people think of relationships and/or marriage and children as disposable.
Comment: #46
Posted by: Lisa
Fri Dec 16, 2011 1:07 PM
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Re: fair
Sounds like you have come to the right (and only) conclusion yourself. Try not to stress too much - they will all be just fine!
Re: Lisa
That is so sad :(
Comment: #47
Posted by: Zoe
Fri Dec 16, 2011 1:51 PM
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Lisa:
Have you tried a sneaking a letter to him thru the other kids or something? Or have them tell him how you all miss him. At least try to contact him. How old is he anyway? Is it ethical and legal to send a letter to his school so he can get it? Something?
Comment: #48
Posted by: jar8818
Fri Dec 16, 2011 1:59 PM
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Lisa: by all means do what you can to contact the poor kid. He needs some stability in his life, and some love.
People who hurt kids and animals should be put away forever in my opinion. how selfish to deny that child any love even from outside searches.
And God bless you Lisa. Believe me, in his heart he does know. And when he is older, he may contact you. Be there for him then too. And fill in the missing gaps when he asks.
Comment: #49
Posted by: nanchan
Fri Dec 16, 2011 2:04 PM
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I can't believe what Diana has posted! To maliciously stab someone into the heart and twist the knife with words is beyond comprehension.
There was no helpful suggestion at all within her post, it spewed with venomous self hate. I feel so sorry for you.
LW1 FAIR. You listen to the rest of the well meaning posters who have you in their hearts as you bring your issues to the table. Please don't even aknowledge those who write with poisoned pen.
Comment: #50
Posted by: Joyce/MN
Fri Dec 16, 2011 2:06 PM
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@fair: What C Meier #45 said. Ignore Diana. She's always like that. We're hoping the surgery to remove the stick from her a$$ will be a successful one.
Comment: #51
Posted by: Casey
Fri Dec 16, 2011 2:43 PM
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@jar8818 and nanchan: I don't want to put the younger kids (4, 6 & 8) in a position of trying to sneak something past their mother to get something to their older brother (11). The mother already uses them as pawns, telling them to make certain comments to certain family members that the kids don't know is incendiary or hurtful, tries to pump them for information about what goes on at their dad's house and what the rest of the family is doing, etc. My MIL once told the kids to be sure to send her love to their older brother -- which then led to the mother calling my BIL to bitch him out and tell him to tell the rest of us to leave her and the boy alone, etc. And of course, she does all that yelling, screaming and cursing in front of the kids.
Sadly, I'm wary about trying to send him something through the school. I doubt the school would let me send anything to him, certainly not without first checking with the mother. And since the mother has already made false accusations (accused the father of hitting her -- she eventually recanted, but not before the kids got to see their father taken away in handcuffs, which, by the way, she orchestrated the timing so that the kids would be there to see it).
And for as much as my heart breaks for that little boy, I'm also very concerned about the fact that the other kids live with him 50% of the time, because the mother and her mother have created a situation that has made him extremely envious of and resentful toward his younger siblings. And quite honestly, the stories we have been hearing lead me to believe that they have succeeded in instilling in him a pathological hatred of his siblings.
Comment: #52
Posted by: Lisa
Fri Dec 16, 2011 2:54 PM
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Re: fair
Thank you for the input - I am still confused, I'm tired and this is complicated, but whatever. The unraveling of this Gordian knot is not the crux of the matter anyway, the crux of the matter resides in the sentence, "So everybody ends up with a short stick." Including you, because you feel guilty in spite of the fact that you're doing nothing wrong.
You know what? I LIKE the idea of the flock of chikens. Forget about rhe 1/3 thingie and make that a gift for ALL the boys, and add a little something extra for the younger one - to compensate for the lacking manna the other two get. About the discrepancy of time for the older one... well, there's nothing much you can do about that. Can you perhaps invite him for a special outing?
The volunteering idea, I would not use as a "gift", but it's a worthy activity to teach kids (hopefully all three boys) that there is a lot worse in the world than what they think is their predicament. Especially since the parents don't seem to be doing too good a job at teaching that.
You sound like a caring grandmother and these kids are lucky to have you in their lives. The worthy ones will one day appreciate you, and let us hope each one of them will choose you as a role model!
In the meantime, Merry Christmas to you and your loved ones!
Comment: #53
Posted by: Lise Brouillette
Fri Dec 16, 2011 3:41 PM
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Re: Chelle
Now, that was a very interesting and relevant story. Thank you for sharing!
@Lisa
Lisa, this is heart-wrenching. I was going to suggest that you try to get the message to the kid somehow but, given the extra info you've provided, I don't know what to tell you - except that the younger ones, at least, will one day see though their (@#%?& bitch of a) mother's little head games and manipulations. For the older boy, I don't know. I really WOULD be beneficial for him to know the truth, but I don't know how is can be sneaked out to him.
@Casey post #51
LOL!
Comment: #54
Posted by: Lise Brouillette
Fri Dec 16, 2011 4:23 PM
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I thinks it official Joyce, the poster known as "Diana" has crossed the line into Troll status.
Let's take a vote!
Comment: #55
Posted by: Chelle
Fri Dec 16, 2011 4:24 PM
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Re: Chelle
I vote yes. S/he's all over the creators board spoutin' off. You know, many schools are out now, may s/he is a out of junior high for the winter break?
Comment: #56
Posted by: nanchan
Fri Dec 16, 2011 4:39 PM
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Lisa:
Well, what a mess it is! So tragic that the mother is so nasty about everything. Yes, the kids are way too young to try and sneak something to the older one, I didn't know how old they all were. I don't know if there is an answer to this one, unfortunately. :>(
Comment: #57
Posted by: jar8818
Fri Dec 16, 2011 4:42 PM
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Fair, Brava! It sounds like you are doing the best that you can for these boys. My favorite grandmother was a "step", but she was a very real grandma to me. You sound like her....a woman with a good heart. XOXOX
Comment: #58
Posted by: Claudia
Sat Dec 17, 2011 1:39 AM
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Diana is not worthy of comment, only pity.
Comment: #59
Posted by: Kitty
Sat Dec 17, 2011 2:59 AM
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LW2: So ... you're 72 but you don't remember when "good girls" didn't sleep around before marriage? Some women your age are still "good girls". Some women believe it is still better to wait for that ring before laying it all out for some lothario! Some women are still smart!
And, Annie ... shame on your for not reminding Mr. Up-To-Date of that "fact of life"!
Comment: #60
Posted by: Joyce
Sat Dec 17, 2011 7:31 PM
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LW2:
So, the first and second dates are full of conversazione and then on the third date: (WHAM) "Your place or mine, sweet cheeks?" No wonder they are taken aback. You'll need to take it a bit slower, or keep looking for someone with similar views to you.
Comment: #61
Posted by: Word A Day Mate
Sun Dec 18, 2011 12:44 AM
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I am recently divorced after a long (41) year marriage. We have 4 children and 7 grandchildren. Two of the children live on either coast. Two live within 30 minutes of the X and I. I moved a short distance away from the small town we were both known in after the divorce.
The problem is this: Of course I never made as much money as my X...women stayed home in the day, but for the past 20 plus years I got a career, not as lucrative as the X, nonetheless a career. Who ever thought I would need to support myself going into the golden years. Long story short the X favors one of the kids more than the other three and it shows in him taking his "much younger wife" and her boys (he married her a month after the divorce) along with our one grandson on glorious vacations. This is what I thought we, as parents and grandparents would be doing together with our children/grandchildren. Now, the other grandson that lives only 15 minutes away knows this. Has he ever taken him? No. My son, the favored one, thinks I am a selfish b#!! because I now travel extensively with the new man in my life. He is my age and doesn't have young children that would make it conducive to take my grandchildren along. I work and get social security and my funds have limits and I treat all 7 of my grandchildren and children the same as far as gift giving/presents and time. It definitely is not a lot for each one....surely not what the X could give. It is hard for me to see my other grandchildren not have the benefit of what this ONE has. The X does give the others money on holidays and birthdays so it isn't as though he ignores the others, but just does so much more for the one because of the new wife, I think. The divorce was not a pleasant one and it is doubtful I could bring this up to the X. So do I just bite the bullet and shut up? It's none of my business how the X does things, right? Is it up to the children to question their Father on it if it bothers them? Any suggestions?
Comment: #62
Posted by: REC
Sun Dec 18, 2011 9:26 AM
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HI REC: Here's my advice on that, such that it is :)
1. Stop trying to even the playing field for your grandchildren. You can't control your X and you shouldn't even try. If one gets preferential treatment, it's really out of your hands.
2. IF it bothers your children, then yes, they have to be the ones to stand up for their kids. They may have to talk together amongst themselves to come up with some kind of unified front when they talk to X. the kid with the favored child would be the logical place to start for them, but not for YOU. You don't say if the favored grandchild is maybe in a situation where he's the product of a broken home (x trying to fill a role) or maybe if the kids of the new wife are closer in age and interest to favored grandson? If so, honestly, it's kind of a draw.
What I do know, is that if you bring this up, you will sound like it's coming from soured grapes.
As for you taking grandchildren along on vacations, maybe you can rotate and take one grandchild every second or third vacation, with their parents consent and monetary help? Especially the kid who lives so close to his favored cousin.... start there. But since you can't afford it, ask his parents (and aunts and uncles) for some help. they probably just want to see that you want to share the experience and are not as concerned about the money. You can only ask. Good luck.
PS: to write the Annies, you need to go through the creators link :) have a Merry Christmas!
Comment: #63
Posted by: nanchan
Sun Dec 18, 2011 12:07 PM
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