Annie's Mailbox® by Kathy Mitchell and Marcy Sugar

LW1 - If you would like to see Dora enjoy the sterling then yes, give it to her now. Divvy up the rest of your assets and you please, and see a lawyer about having it written it up in a will. They may squabble but it won't bother you any, and they will sort it out as long as you don't give Dora 98% and split the rest among the others. Be reasonably fair but it's okay for Dora to get more, if that is your wish.

LW2 - Lady, online greetings are only "cold" because you decided they were. Explain to me how the feeling or sentiment is different based on the medium? Does pen mean more than pencil? Spoken more than written? Take the good wishes, send your own however you wish, and stop fussing over something that really is of no importance.

Alternatively, you could call her up and say "Jane, I hate your stupid e-mail greetings - they are worthless and cold. Next time you send me one I am going to return it, unread, and will spit on a small child while thinking of you" or you could cut to the chase and say "I am old and change scares me."

I'm trying to figure out how a store bought card where one scribbles their name to a sentiment written by someone else and mass marketed to the general public is "warm" and why on earth people still send these things.

I HATE receiving cards, and hey BTL people love to hear your advice on this one since LW2 brought it up. I hate it when people send me cards. I feel incredibly awkward because I won't send cards. I find it a waste of my time and money and a huge source of clutter and trash. Do people save these things? Rarely. Oh and don't tell me to make some craft project... I don't have room in my small home to hoard crap to turn into art I won't particularly care for either.

A card is fine if used to mail a gift, such as a check, money, a gift certificate, a photo, that sort of thing. But a card on its own irks the crap out of me as I don't know how to respond. Apparently according to Annie's letter writers, calling and saying thank you is insufficient (and this gives me anxiety anyway as I get busy and always forget to call and then can't remember if I thanked them or not-- all for a stupid card!) and I resent the hell out of being expected to return a card when I hate that tradition.

How do I say "please leave me off any card list" without coming off as grinchy or scroogey? Thus far I suck it up, and try as hard as possible to remember to thank everyone who sends one... on the phone!

Interestingly, I always reply to email greetings. Those are quick and simple and feel warm to me as its my most common form of communication.

RE LW2: The discussion about the method of delivering Christmas and birthday greetings brought back a painful memory. When I was a little girl, my mother would get all bent out of shape if I did not mail cards to her even though we lived in the same house, and I did not have easy access to stamps. It was her pet peeve I guess, but it just goes to show you that some people will find a way to be upset because people don't go to enough trouble (in their view) to express truly sincere feelings in their desired way. Since Valentine's day is upon us...let me say to my husband...I do not want you to waste money on roses that are overpriced at this time of year. I appreciate my friends and family, and the way we treat each other all the time is what matters.

wkh,

I agree with you completely. I don't think it is rude to send a card, but it does leave the recipient in an awkward place. Do I have to acknowledge a card?

So easy and friendly to send an e-mail or text, and as you said, people respond to those much better. Even my nieces and nephews respond that way.

I still think a handwritten thank you is required for shower and wedding gifts, or things of that nature. I can't abandon Miss Manners completely.

@wkh

I'm not as anti-card as you seem to be: don't mind getting them, but I do hate sending them out! While I would love to be one of those people who sends out cards all the time, the truth is I just suck at it. Also, I have no idea where most of my friends live apart from the cities they're in and they keep moving around. Sure, I could track down their info, but when you add that to the task of writing out all the cards (and thinking of something clever to say in each) and then going to the store to buy stamps (as no one--at least in my generation--keeps books of stamps lying around) it just becomes too much. We are the kind of people who hang on to cards, but I can't explain why. We've been trying to de-clutter as much as we can before baby comes these past few weeks, and I keep finding shoe boxes full of cards. They've managed to fill a fairly sizable rubbermaid container now. We tossed some, but my husband seems to be even more emotionally attached to them for some reason and I just can't get him to let go!

LW1: If you are worried about your kids squabbling over your items after you die NOW, then I would say you probably know the personalities involved and that there will be a chance that one person (your daughter in another state?) will feel like they are getting the short end of the stick.

I like the Annies' advice here to talk to a lawyer, and remember, the stuff is yours to do what you want to do with it.

LW2: WOW, such vitriol BTL about a kind gesture! Man, you guys must be cranky people IRL. I love both getting and sending cards. Every year, I make one trip to both Tuesday Morning (for note cards and holiday cards at a deep discount) and also to Michael's to get plain blank colored cards that I personalize. I always carry blank notes in case I need to write a thank you note. At my last on site job, I was blessed that many of my coworkers were also card givers, my whole wall was plastered with wonderful cards. Each Christmas, I will take two or three of the nicer cards (or funny ones) and frame them for the next holiday season (Ikea has extremely cheap wood frames that you can even paint yourself). Many cards are nice enough to hang, and some of the handmade ones (especially from my daughter) are keepsakes I will treasure for the rest of my life.

The e-card thing? Well, I LOVE ecards too. I don't think they are impersonal, texts are fine too. Some of the ecards are hilarious. I used to send out Elvis e-postcards all the time and people LOVED them (nothing like being a business meeting, opening up an email and being blasted by "You aint nothin' but a hound dog")

I don't think you should tell people if you don't like the ecards, just delete them if you are offended. But I think any way a person choses to thank another person is ok.

LW1: Oooh, reverse mortages are such bad ideas...but I digress.

LW2: I used to be upset because, despite the fact that I have raised my stepson since he was 8, he has never acknowledged Mother's Day with a card. Then I thought about it...his mother doesn't get a card from him either. I pick the Mother's Day card for her, I purchase it, I put a stamp on it and mail it after forcing him to sign it...which he does without looking at it.

Do I really want a Mother's Day card that his Dad probably would have to buy and force him to sign? Isn't love and friendship the reason why we acknowledge each other's special days and holidays?

So, imo, LW2 needs to be happy that her friend acknowledges her in some way. After all, as my experience demonstrates, a hand-signed card doesn't always mean anything.

@Wordsworth
Reverse mortgages CAN be bad if not done correctly and for the wrong reasons and circumstances, but they can be lifesavers in some instances too. That's why companies that offer them insist on extensive counseling for the prospective customers before they will approve the transaction. However, in LW1's case, it appears that Dora and her husband lent the LW and her husband money from their personal funds and then put a lien against their residence to be paid off when both the LW and her husband died. That may or may not have been a good idea, depending upon the situation.
In any event, I agree that the LW should consult an estate planning attorney to draw up a will and/or a trust for her based upon her individual needs. It would also probably be a good idea to give whatever heirlooms she has to whomever she wants to have them NOW. It sounds as though she anticipates arguments after her death, and then she won't be around to explain her decisions. After all, her belongings and money ARE hers to dispose of as she chooses. No one should feel "entitled" to what their parents or other relatives have accumulated during their lifetime.

LW1, don't give Dora the silver now, but be sure to explain in your will why you are giving Dora the silver, and how much you appreciate everything she and your son have done. You could ask each child/DIL which five or six pieces are their favorites, because you're doing your estate planning, and you're trying to make sure everyone gets at least one thing they like. Even with some overlap, you should be able to give one special gift to each child. You might give them each their special item this Mother's Day, since you sound like the kind of mom who gets just as much pleasure from giving as from receiving, and you can write them a note with the item that says how proud you have always been to be their mother/MIL. I wouldn't give Dora the silver now because you've already given her two nice pieces, and you don't want it to look like she's been 'working' on you to get your things (clearly she hasn't). I think you'll really enjoy seeing the kids using your heirlooms--I know I enjoy watching my daughter polish the silver!!!

As far as the rest of the items, if they can't work out dividing them on their own, the three kids can roll dice and whoever has the highest number picks first, then the second highest number picks second, and the lowest number picks third. Then they roll again, same system: highest number chooses first, and so on, until all the items are chosen. And if there are grandchildren they might like to be included in a dice roll so they can select something that is meaningful to them. Not only is this system fair overall, most family members wind up enjoying the process.

Lastly, if you have a small brokerage/bank account/insurance policy, you could put Dora's name on that account now, so she gets that account as a survivor. If you have any IRAs, it's better for those to be passed on to grandchildren rather than children, since the growth on the IRAs will be terrific (consult your CPA/attorney). This is something you don't have to tell anyone else, and it will help show your appreciation for extra effort your DIL has made through the years.

RE: wkh

Ideas for use of old greeting cards that do not require a craft project:

1. Frame (as I mentioned above), especially ones that have a nice cover. I have two small ones on my desk that have Warhol covers: it's a cheap way to bring some art to your desk. I also have several in my bathroom nicely framed on the walls. The bonus behind this type of art: you think of the giver when you see the picture. One of my sisters sent me a card 10 years ago that I have framed by my shower and I think of her every day.

2. Donate the old cards to a school/daycare. They often use the old cards for art projects, collages etc.

3. Give the cards to a more "crafty" friend. Yes, there are people out there who don't look at it as clutter. I am not particularly crafty either, but have friends who have the amazing ability to take anything I give them and reuse.

LW1--"As tempting as it is to give more to Dora than the others, it could create all sorts of resentments later. The division of your estate should be relatively equal..." These Annies are a couple of ignoramuses. Being related to someone DOES NOT automatically entitle one to a share of their relatives' estate. Your first couple of paragraphs painted a beautiful picture of your daughter-in-law 'Dora' and your son who obviously love you and want to see to it that you're happy, healthy, and comfortable in your old age. They visit every week, bring you lovely meals and never forget special occasions. Where do your other children and their families stand in this regard? You don't mention that they send you money, call every week or anything! Your older son and his wife are angels! See to it that you bequeath whatever you wish to them and don't worry about any squabbling among the others after you're gone. As you sow, so shall you reap.

LW2--"They seem so impersonal, and I do not appreciate receiving such cold greetings." What do you expect your friends to do? Hire a one-man-band and serenade you with holiday greetings at the office? Maybe you'd appreciate it more if your friends took out a full page ad in the local newspaper or a billboard in your honor along the interstate. You're an ungrateful moron! You should be happy your friends remember you at all during the holidays. Stop being such a nit-picky killjoy because someone uses modern technology instead of 16th century technology to recognize your milestones or holidays. Geesh!

LW2 - one of my favorite things is people who anonymously complain to advice columnists that their own friends don't communicate with them in a personal enough way. Duh. if you want your friends to know something, tell them. However, LW should consider her goals here. If her goal is to never get another greeting from the friend, then returning them with a note about how unacceptable they are is fine. Rude but effective. If her goal is to get hand written notes instead, or even email notes written just for her, then she should talk to her friends, preferably in person because that message could easily offend someone if delivered in a tactless way. If LW is over 70, she could consider whether her friends have gotten older, too, and find it difficult or painful to write as many hand written notes as they used to.
For the person who didn't like to make a special trip to buy stamps, I believe you can buy them at usps.com and have them delivered to you by the post office.

LW1-
Oh God, the Annies ride again. Can they even READ? No, the woman DOESN'T think they will behave, which is precisely why she's writing. And she can divide her estate any damn way she pleases, and give it to her CAT if this is what she wants. She is under no obligation to treat people equally, especially since her children's involvment with her has NOT been equal. An inheritance is NOT owed and can be given any old way the bequeater feels like.

LW, by all means donate the silver while you're living if doing so is not going to make you miss it before you pass. Ditto with anything else in the same category, but don't deprive yourself of something you use and need - 90 years old is old enough to make you aware of your own mortality, but it doesn't mean you're about to go tomorrow morning.

I suggest you divide whatever else you own any old way that suits you, have your will notarised and name an executor you trust. You may be tempted to call up a family meeting to inform them of the content of the will so that there are no surprises, but I don't recommend it, as it will likely open up a can of worms leading to a family feud and pressure upon you to change the will. If you're afraid they won't behave in front of the notary, they'll be worse in front of you - familiarity breeds contempt.

Don't even inform the executor of his/her elevation, as there may be pressure to reveal the content of the will, and the temptation to open up his/her big mouth may be great if you do. People can turn real ugly when there is the whiff of an inheritance clouding their judgment. You don't want to be subjected to that in your elder days. It might be wiser to choose someone outside the family as an executor.

But one thing is certain, you do not owe them to pander to children who didn't care about your welfare while you were alive by trying to avoid their bratty tantrums after you've passed. Keep in mind that such walking entitlements will be unhappy NO MATTER WHAT you give them, because they'll only see what they're not getting, so just do what you want.

LW2-
I, too, remember with fondness the abundance of Christmas cards crowding the mantlepiece and how so very pretty some of them were. To the child that I was, it was almost magical. But that was then. This is now.

I'm sorry to break the news to you, but for better or worse, the world is NOT what it used to be 70 years ago. People are more busy than they used to be, and money is tighter than it used to be. Sending e-mail cards is FREE, so that's one area where people can cut costs. They're also a lot faster to send, so that's one area where people can save time. As for a gift, it's the thought that counts, and the fact that you're on their mailing list at all sure is better than not being there. Kwit yer kwetching.

You still get snailmail cards at all? You're lucky. The only hand-written card I've been getting at Christmas for years is from my newspaper delivery boy, who's doing that because he's hoping for a tip. The only mailed card I get is for my birthday and Mother's Day from my daughter, and she always makes sure she pick a really sweet one with cats, which I then use as a bookmarker, so I'm not complaining.

I strongly suggest you start counting the ones you still get instead of the ones you no longer do. And missing what you no longer have makes you miss out on what you do have - start living in this present world, not the past one that is gone forever. For better or worse? It's both better AND worse. There are lots of things, if you start thinking about it, that we have now and didn't 70 years ago, that both you and I would rather not live without.

P.S.: "Would it be rude to return the greeting to her?"
EXTREMELY so, not to mention grinchy and cantankerous. I don't recommend it if you want to preserve the friendship. Being the ghost of Christmas cards past is not going to turn the clock. May I suggest you start valuing the friendship rather than the cards?

@wkh & Carly O
No, you don't have to acknowledge a card. It's a greeting, not a gift. You may want to mention it orally the next time you talk to the person, but even that is not a requirement.

I was the Dora in my husbands family. She lived on SS and couldn't pay some of her bills. I paid bills, puchased her a car, updated her kitchen, paid her taxes, etc. Property rich - money poor. She lived with me for several years when she became unable to take care of herself. When there was a problem she came to me. Her bio- children did not help. When she died her home and lands were sold and divided between her children. Was I included? No. Did her children offer anything? No. There was nothing I wanted or needed. Her children did love her but did not step up to the plate when she was in need. She was my best friend and confidante.
My advice to LW1, give Dora the silver NOW. Her kindness and consideration should be acknowledge while you are still here to see how much you love her. She is showing you NOW how much she cares for you. Divide up the rest of your estate with a will.

Re: nanchan
"Man, you guys must be cranky people IRL."
For cranky people IRL, we're not the ones being unnecessarily unpleasant, wholesale to the entire board. Go drink your coffee, nanchan.

Re: Penny
You name shouldn't be Penny - it should be Gazillion!

Re: kai archie

You bring up a great point about older people not being able to write as well as they used to.

I have a dear relative who sends typewritten notes because she has Parkinson's Disease and shakes. For this reason, we were extremely grateful when our relative got online, because she can type/edit well still, but even talking at this point is hard for her and we have to have her repeat things a lot, which frustrates her. Email has changed her life because she can communicate easier now.

Also, I was reminded of a part of the classic (well maybe CULT classic) BOOK (I didn't see it in the movie version) "Mommy Dearest". Christina Crawford talks at one point about sending her mother (Joan Crawford) a birthday telegram. Christina wrote that she had thought that a telegram was something special, but Joan took it as a last minute, impersonal greeting and went ballistic. The thought was there: it was how it was received that was wrong. And contributed to breaking down a relationship.

You just don't know sometimes why people do what they do.

my mother made a list of all her belongings and gave it to all 11 of us. we were each to put our name on the things we desired. in the case of doubles, she decided who was to get what,depending on how many things they asked for. i have no problem with it,and apparently neither do my siblings. believe me, we don't all get along. it's her belongings and she can give them to who she wants.

my mother made a list of all her belongings and gave it to all 11 of us. we were each to put our name on the things we desired. in the case of doubles, she decided who was to get what,depending on how many things they asked for. i have no problem with it,and apparently neither do my siblings. believe me, we don't all get along. it's her belongings and she can give them to who she wants.

LW1 - One of the pleasures of dying, along with seeing your old dead pets (I'll see you soon Sparky), is knowing that those left behind will be fighting over your old crap. Don't worry about it. Let it go and let them work it out after you're gone. You're old and tired and need to enjoy your last few hours.........years..sorry.



LW2 - Aren't you just the paragon of joy and good taste? You don't like the way your friends express their affection and share their news with you. Perhaps you could send them all a sternly worded memo and set them straight. I bet they won't bother you any more with their trivialities. You're one of those Thank You Card people aren't you? You need more fiber.


LW3 - Or, when he asks if he can go alone she could say "no". OMG!! Imagine that!

Uh, well, I think LW1 knows that she certainly can leave her estate to whomever she pleases. She's got the foresight and graciousness, though, to not want to cause hard feelings, and it certainly doesn't sound to me like she's wanting to punish anyone. I think more people should be like LW1 in that respect.

Has your daughter ever mentioned your mother's silver, LW? Is there a chance that you ever told her, maybe once as you polished it together for Thanksgiving circa 1968, that someday it would be hers? Did your mom give it to you, instead of brothers, because you were her daughter? Does your daughter even like it, or would she regard it as a nuisance?

A woman who recently moved into my mom's senior living center described how she sold her silver, from her mom, for scrap, and gave away the family china because none of her kids, now in their 50s, wanted it.

It's definitely worth talking about this stuff with the kids now. It lets them know that you're doing your best to accommodate their wishes in a fair manner, which in turn makes it more likely that you'll be remembered fondly rather than bitterly. You may be surprised, too -- it's possible that your daughter is grateful to Dora for all she's done and believes you SHOULD give her the silver.

@Rick
"You need more fiber."
You are so-o-o-o funny!

Re: pski

For my father's estate (done after his death), one of my sisters made up a spreadsheet, sent it to all of us, and there was no fighting at all. I asked for 3 things: what I received was three boxes of treasures from Dad's estate. The most important part of the estate to me though was what my father left me that noone can take away from me, which are my memories of Dad, his DNA, his lessons that he taught me, his smile, his integrity.

Mom on the other hand has everything already designated. LIke your family, and like what's happened to us with Dad, there is no fighting. Mom's seen people fight over estates (as I think the LW has as well) to the point where family relationships are permanently damaged. Hedgehog brings up a great point to communicate everything beforehand. In Dad's case, I think we didn't fight because we knew most everything would go to one sibling who needed most of the items (he lived with Dad), in Mom's case we won't fight because she is prepared and we know her wishes. Both did things right in their own ways.

What would be really sad is if the LW were to write in her will something like " I hereby bequeath all the family silver and the bulk of my estate to my son and DIL, Dora, who were the ONLY ONES to care about me at all." that is sad. If there are resentment issues, best to get those settled now. If you really want your relatives to dislike you after you're gone, air it out now and explain to your children why you want things to go where you want them to go. But also realize that some people can only give a weekly call, others can provide a weekly meal. Sometimes, the weekly call is more heartfelt than the weekly meal.

wkh, the good news is - you're not expected to respond to greeting cards. You don't have to write thank-you notes for them, and as Lise pointed out, they're greetings, not gifts. I, for one, love to get snail-mail cards with hand-written notes and I guess I'm very fortunate, because I do. Just had a birthday and have a little stack on my desk to go back and read and to me personally, that's a lot more meaningful than a quick email - not that I don't appreciate them, I'll take what I can get. I do think that people get caught up in "busyness" to the point where priorities get left behind. How did women who spent all day Monday doing the washing and all day Tuesday doing the ironing on top of cooking and taking care of children still manage to write letters by hand? But they did. As for LW, I agree she should just appreciate that her friend remembers the occasion and leave it at that.

LLW2: Well, if you're TRULY an old-fashioned person who longs for a return to warmer & simpler days, you shouldn't be nostalgic about hand-signed greeting cards, that newfangled, impersonal and LAZY substitute for a handwritten note on good-quality stationery, if not a personal visit!

Because that's what etiquette mavens decried in those warmer & simpler days you remember so fondly -- that someone would actually think a signature on a mass-produced card with generic artwork and schlocky sentiment could substitute for the thought that went into composing an actual LETTER.

Of course, cards beat letters hands-down because they made life simpler for the sender. Similarly, emailed cards and notes make it simpler for the senders, whether because they can't get out to shop to find just the right card (instead of one from a prepackaged collection of all-occasion cards), find it physically painful to write, don't have as much money to spend on cards/postage as they'd like for all the people they care about, are philosophically opposed to chopping down trees for something that is looked at once and then statistically is likely to be thrown away, or distrusts the post office because of previous delivery problems.

You are choosing to see these cards as "cold". Simple solution: tell your friend you don't appreciate them. That way, you won't have to bother selecting and sending a card for her, either.

Re: Lise Brouillette I didn't see a winky face at the end of that.

Re LW#1-----------------Touchy subject, and I think many responses here are colored by personal experiences-------as is mine, to be totally honest.
I am of the belief that an estate should be divided based on what you received from each would-be recipient rather than cut up into equal shares. (Not talking monetary help from the heirs here, but base it on who showed that they loved you and were there for you as much as they could be.)
My mom has made it plain that her estate will be divided equally among her four kids. And, sorry, I am resentful. Because, of the four of us, one has moved far away (and has actually stated to me and my other siblings that it was for the purpose of getting away from her and being 'free' to spend any spare time doing things HE and his wife want to do instead of helping Mom).
One is 'too busy helping out every member of my wife's family, because my wife MAKES me do it'.
And the third is 'too busy working' at her 20-hour-a-week job' and, when not working, playing her computer games.
So I, as the retired child who is now widowed, am assumed to have nothing better to do, and I am the person who does her grocery shopping, cleans her house, takes care of bill-paying and balances her checkbook, looks up stuff for her on the computer because she doesn't want to b e bothered to get one of her own.
And yes, I am resentful, not because of any monetary stuff (she has very little of value, and her house will probably end up being sold to take care of any long-term care she will eventually need), but because it says to me that what I am doing does not matter as much as the fact that she wants 'equal treatment' for all four of us.
So where is the 'equality' when it comes to the four of us taking care of her? I love her and would continue to do the things I do no matter what, but I am sort of feeling like I'm an only child insofar as caring for her, but NOT when it comes to dividing things up after she's gone.
I have only one child, but I also have a nephew who has been there for me every bit as much as my daughter has. And he will inherit accordingly. (One thing I do intend to do is to leave a letter to be read along with my will, explaining WHY the division of property is as it is. If there are hard feelings, sorry. I've never believed in the rewards being equal for everyone if the effort from everyone was not equal.

Re: kai archie
You know, you're right? I myself just barely turned 60 last month, and I have lately started to develop arthritis in my hands, which are both becoming stiff and painful. Wrting cards by hand would be difficult and I'm grateful I never took that habit.

Re: Penny

Oh, okay... ;-D

Forgot, I meant to comment on LW#2---------------You are getting older, and you like the way things used to be when you were younger, not these 'newfangled' ways. I understand. The world has changed and you are disapproving. If you were someone I knew, you would be free to tell me not to send you any e-cards and I would comply. Perhaps you should be telling people, and maybe those people would be relieved not to have to send you anything at all.
(Just FYI, I am NOT inclined to spend $5 on a card if I can do the same thing on my computer for free. Greeting cards are ridiculously overpriced, and they end up in people's wastebaskets. I have no problem with people not sending me cards, I would rather they saved their money, as I will save mine. A card that you buy and sign is no more personal than an e-card that you locate and send--------just more expensive.)

Re: Maggie Lawrence
Happy late birthday!

@Jennylee
I didn't have any negative experience from my own family to colour my opinion - my father left one of his keyboard musical instruments to each of my brothers and I, and I sold mime to my brothers' because I had no use for a Solina and, with a recording studio, they sometimes have use for that specific sound. The rest went to his widow, which was fine by all of us. She has told me she bequeated her estate equally between the three of us. As far as I'm concerned, she can dispose of her property as she sees fit.

But I am aware, from reading about it here, there and everywhere, that injustices frequently occu and I have heard from friends and acquaintances of will-openings that didn't go so well. Not to mention the stories sometimes shared by posters - sorry you are all alone carrying this burden, it does help that you choose to do it out of love no matter what. Love is never a waste, and you are richer than your siblings in things that cannot be counted materially.

Re: Lise Brouillette
Lise-------thank you. I think the main thing that bothers me is sometimes feeling like it's not appreciated (not by my mom, I know she appreciates it).
Guess I especially want my siblings to acknowledge that I have taken on the brunt of things, but don't think that will happen.
But you're right, I love my mom and would do these things for her no matter what, and I know when she goes I will have nothing to reproach myself with. I feel good about myself, and I guess that should be what matters most.
(But I AM going to make sure that my nephew knows he is appreciated along with my daughter-----both now, AND after I'm gone. That is how I can try to make things right, I guess.)

LW1: Make a will now and make sure that your kindest, warmest, and gentlest thoughts about each of your children are conveyed in the document along with your wishes regarding asset distribution. Give Dora the silver now. She would like it and appreciate it and that will be one valuable item out of the way.

I've heard countless stories about deeply hurt feelings with regard to unequal division of assets and the LW is justified in her concern. My best friend is one of 6 children and her mother favored one child over the others and left everything to her. It was shocking and painful for the remaining siblings to deal with.

For CHristmas I got a holiday card from someone--read it and tucked it with my read again ones. Well, The card had a golden lab sitting outside by the evergreen tree, watching the snow come down. Fast forward to Dec 31, and my son and family had to put their aging golden lab Lucy down due to her failed health. Looking again through my Christmas cards, I was in a daze when looking at LUCY looking at her last Christmas tree. I am taking this card, will make some sort of ornament or photo treasure out of it. And send it to my son just before Christmas next year. From Lucy. I will be her angel on earth. They spent a day before Christmas doing all sorts of photos and memories with her. Paw prints in plaster of paris. ALong with the everyone elses. I have a book half read about our animal angels--on earth and what they have meant to us. Right there with Ceasar Milan's books.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Yes, I have friends who pop me a snail mail card throughout the years. They are cherished. My special box holds them, I re-read them and think of the precious times we had when we all lived closer and were physically back and forth friends, our families, gatherings, etc. Even have cards from my grandma--died 1981----she was a great one to send--- and I was one of 35 grandchildren. So you know everyone got a turn. That meant each of us was precious.
~~~~~~~~~~~
And as I ready my Valentine cards for the mail--my little girls are at my home. But to get mail from grandma next week will be a card for their memory box.

Re: Joyce/MN

I so agree with your post #34. I have cards from my Grandma from the 60s... I don't consider those clutter. I consider them PRECIOUS.

It's too bad that some people can't get beyond the "inconvenience" of a kind thought and deed and realize how absolutely precious moments are in life. My Dad's last card to me is in my daytimer, it just has his name on the card. But it's HIS writing and reminds me daily that he loved me.

People who are so cranky about a gesture of appreciation/recognition have big big issues in my opinion.

Dividing up your belongings can have a huge list of problems, now you have things out of the box,drawer, closet, whats next calling, shipping,throwing away. all that can be overwhelming. Call your Local SENIOR MOVE MANAGER!! thats what they do! they help sort items of a lifetime. Google one and let Grandma make her own decisions.

Re: Chris
Totally agree!!!

Thanks, Lise. Cake and cards and love - what else do you need for a good birthday?
Actually, my husband did get me an MP3 player that I'll have to get a teenager to tutor me in how to use. Seriously, I remind myself of the monkeys with the monolith in "2001 - A Space Odyssey". If I touch it, will explode? Talk to me? Vaporize?

Although I can be cranky about people being treated unfairly or animals being hurt, my anti-card sentiments are more about feeling embarrassed and awkward because I AM the kind of person who wants to acknowledge people's gifts and be polite and Do The Right Thing. And then the holidays come and I get all kinds of Christmas Cards (note: I don't really celebrate Christmas beyond doing stuff with my husband's family since I'm Jewish) and I find myself wishing I never gave anyone my address because I'm so afraid of being that clod who doesn't acknowledge people's nicities. Now birthdays are easier. I call immediately and say thanks, since exactly two grandmothers and my father send cards. That I can handle! :-) But I get over 20 during the winter holidays and I'm always worried one of my (dead) mother's friends is sitting at bridge club sneering about what an ungrateful brat I am and how she raised 6 children and never once forgot to acknowledge a card so I have no excuse ::::blush::::

And for the record I have many keepsakes of various relatives over the years, but a storebought card with a poem written by someone I have never met in my life with nothing more than a signature or "best wishes" doesn't really strike me as a "precious" momento. Sorry. Handmade cards sure I'll save those (and even then I am not sure what for, since I'm not displaying them? Maybe this would be different if I were a Christian or celebrated Christmas?) but every time I get a Hallmark I think what a waste of money and trees. Yet I also recognize the person meant well. It's sort of like the time someone donated to the Komen foundation in my name. Now considering my feelings on that organizations capitalism of an illness I wanted to pass out cold but I smiled and warmly said thank you and not one damned word about how perhaps a donation to PETA (another org I can't stand) would have been better.

Re: nanchanMy dad's last letter---only letter as he did not write--was to me when he was in alcoholic rehab--sober--pouring out his heart to me and his grandsons--2 of my 3 boys. 1982. And I take it out, read it and know this was his form of saying he was sorry.
Now fast forward to this past year. I have his funeral on DVD to watch and listen to others talkng about him. And the bad memories that flogged my childhood are almost forgotten. I have not made copes of the DVD for the rest of my siblings yet--it is hard to watch. I also have the printed copy of my brother's funeral service. The pastor gave me a copy. I have not had the heart to watch his DVD.
Memories that I hope don't fade. But I know they will. Even when there is one little thing you can remember from each--it will be worth saving.
My pastor--in broken voice--spoke of how my brother (special needs) could not really know who God was--hard to vision the invisable. But he told her he knew Jesus, God's son who came to earth. So Alan's GOD was Jesus. And how Alan told her that Jesus holds us in his hands so we are safe.
All written in her sermon so I don't forget another special thing about my special little brother.
(Tears as I write--flow down.)

Re: Maggie Lawrence

I got money, a lottery ticket, cheeses and a four-service meal prepared by my brother. And lots of beer and wine to go with it!

I have never sent a purchased Christmas card. When I was a baby, my dad, who was a semipro photographer with a darkroom in the basement, started making family photo Christmas cards. I loved helping him print the cards and learned about basic black-and-white photo printing. He passed away the year I married, so that year I made cards with our wedding picture and sent them to his card mailing list. He always wrote at least a short note on all of them--I recall my mom being disappointed in cards that came with only a signature. Later, he began having a newsletter printed, but again, always wrote a personal note on the bottom. (From what I heard, people liked his letters.) I have continued to do it with my kids and granchildren, but now they are printed on a computer. (I email a few of them to people who do everything my email, but had problems this year getting them to work properly--new computer.) Every now and then, I get a package in the mail from a relative or friend with a package of our old Christmas cards that were found in someone's desk drawer. The ones I treasure are the oldest ones with handwritten notes; which give me references to family events and milestones that I don't always remember as well as I'd like. My favorites are the ones Dad sent to his mom.
When I go to family events or reunions, people recognize me and my family from our Christmas cards. I'll keep sending them as long as I can do it; one of my daughters and one of my sons is doing them as well.
One thing about handwritten notes--they take time. The e-cards can go touch more people simply from the time factor at a busy time of the year, but they usually don't get saved. I don't knock whatever remembrances I get from people, at least they are thinking of me'

Well Lise, that sounds like love to me! At Christmas I always put a round of scratch tickets in the stockings (the grownups) - but the embarassing part is, the only time any of them won was when it was in mine. Not much, $5, but still....

Off-topic!

Whitney Houston has died at 48.

She was such a talent. I'm sad.

R.I.P. Whitney

Just say no to drugs folks!

Re: Chris

Holy COW: that really hit me hard tonight as well. Just cried and cried when I heard the news.

Her daughter is about the same age as mine, and all I keep thinking is how hard this has to be on her. So sad for that young lady to have lose her mother and at such a young age.

Rest in Peace, Whitney. May you find the peace whereever you are that you could not find here. nanchan

True story about reverse mortgages:

1) Friend 1: her father got a reverse mortgage and lived comfortably for the last 20 years of his life. His house had little value when he died so my friend didn't inherit much money. She didn't mind. She got to spend 20 years knowing her father was happy and had his needs taken care of.

2) Friend 2: (A couple actually) Talked their mom out of doing a reverse mortgage. The mom was often broke so they ended up bailing her out a lot. Two years before she died she got sick and went into a nursing him. Medicaid paid for it. But Medicaid has to be paid back, so when she died, all of that money was emptied out of her estate to pay Medicaid. (This couple wishes now their mom had just gotten the reverse mortgage and lived more comfortably all those years.)

Not saying they're always good, but they can be a blessing. Some people don't get them because they don't want to "drain" their estates of value. They want to give something to their kids when they die. But as my second friends' experience illustrates, that doesn't always happen.

Re: Lise Brouillette- 'Don't even inform the executor of his/her elevation, as there may be pressure to reveal the content of the will,' lise, my friend, i beg to differ. being the executor of an estate, however small, has enormous responsibilities. please don't appoint someone without asking them first if they are able to handle it. there is no need to tell them the content of the will in advance, but to spring that on someone without warning isn't a good idea.

having said that, perhaps the letter writer needs to be reminded again that she is not required to split her estate equally. i'm sure protocol will be satisfied if she puts something in her will mentioning all the care dora gave her. then again, if she is no longer using her silver, why not give it to dora now? one less bit of clutter in the house.

Re: alien07110

That's why I suggested that the executor be outside the family. THEN s/he can be told in advance. Like I said, people can get REAL ugly when there's the whiff of an inheritance in the air.

Re: sarah morrow

Thank you for a great post on this. With my mom's estate, my sister controls it pretty much with the help of an estate attorney, and they are adamantly against reverse mortgages. I have never been able to figure out WHY. But it does go situation to situation. In our case, we did what we needed to do to protect Mom's estate from the Medicaid thing: we did it quick and we did it completely because she was diagnosed with terminal cancer (this was right before our father went into a coma following surgery: a very bad month for us) and we knew we had to act fast. We did. Thank GOD Mom is too stubborn (apple doesn't fall too far from the tree!) to give up and she is still going strong. In the meantime, we've got her covered. Reverse mortgages aren't the option for everyone, but I think as you do that many people forget how beneficial they can be.