Q. My 12-year-old daughter has played soccer for many years. Last year, she was selected to play on a travel soccer team. After she started, she wasn't as enamored with it as she had hoped. Part of the problem is that she's kind of alone on the team. Most of the other girls have been friends for a long time and go to a different school. There are several girls from my daughter's school, but they're all older. With spring approaching, she's been crying and become extremely upset in anticipation of the soccer season. She insists she won't play. Our family is of the "you chose this activity, you will finish it" mentality.

She told me yesterday she feels left out. We want to find a way for her look at this differently, but she doesn't want to listen to suggestions from her parents. Would it create more problems if I went to one of the older girls and requested that she look out for my daughter? The girl I'm thinking of is a neighbor, but because she's older she can be intimidating. I'd like to think I can trust her to be discreet, but I don't want to traumatize my daughter any further. Any ideas would be appreciated.

A. Your daughter has come from a team where she was no doubt a top player, or she wouldn't have been chosen for travel soccer. The other team members were also top players for their teams, and she may well be feeling inadequate because she's comparing herself and falling short. Kids often struggle with admitting their feelings when they no longer view themselves as best. The competition is probably affecting her more than the loneliness, although loneliness could also be a factor. Your daughter is probably feeling more anxiety before the season than she will when she's actually playing.

It's probably not a good plan to talk to the older girls about your daughter. Teens can be unpredictable, and another girl could easily let it slip that you asked for her encouragement.

That could embarrass you daughter, or cause more peer problems. Instead, call the coach and explain that your daughter wants to leave the team and you'd like her to follow through. Ask the coach for her observations and advice. She may provide some good insights.

Tell your daughter that you'd like her to at least try finishing the remaining part of the season. Explain that you understand she's not experienced and may feel like the worst player because she's one of the younger ones. Assure her if she continues to practice, she's likely to gradually improve, and that could make her feel better about herself for overcoming an obstacle. Avoid telling her you think she's one of the best players, or that she's extraordinarily talented. Those praise words will only add pressure and make her believe you expect her to be one of the best players.

If she joins the team again but continues to seem miserable, it could be all right for her to quit before the end of the season. There are worst things in the world than having a child quit an activity when she's feeling too much pressure. She may even come back another year. Quitting once in a while isn't the same as quitting everything a child tries, and all of us have to come to terms with determining activities that we prefer not to continue. While I agree with your basic rule of children finishing seasons, sometimes parents can make exceptions to rules.

For free newsletters about gifted athletes, or teaching healthy competition, send a large self-addressed, stamped envelope to P.O. Box 32, Watertown, WI, 53094, or go to www.sylviarimm.com for more parenting information.

Dr. Sylvia B. Rimm is the director of the Family Achievement Clinic in Cleveland, Ohio, a clinical professor of psychiatry and pediatrics at the Case Western Reserve University School of Medicine, and the author of many books on parenting. More information on raising kids is available at www.sylviarimm.com. Please send questions to: Sylvia B. Rimm on Raising Kids, P.O. Box 32, Watertown, WI 53094 or srimm@sylviarimm.com. To read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate website at www.creators.com.

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