Q. My sister-in-law forwarded to me your article on checking kids' e-mail. I wonder if you realize how early it all starts, because your article mentioned a 16-year-old. I'm worried about how much total unsupervised time my 13-year-old daughter has on the computer. Her usage is almost constant. She has three or four windows running simultaneously. She has almost a year's worth of parentally unguided Internet exchanges with friends (and enemies) from the two different school districts she's attended. Since last summer she's had unlimited and unsupervised access to her dad's computer at his house.

She has a MySpace site where she has over 100 authorized "friends." (She doesn't know 100 people in the flesh. Many are "friends of friends" ... and who knows who they really are?)

She has posted many pictures of herself and her friends, all posing like teenage TV stars (pouty lips, sultry looks, suggestive poses — just kids, but they sure don't look like it). She gives away personal information without realizing it (like posting a picture of a city limit sign).

She has participated in group and individual cyber bullying via instant messaging and commenting on other girls' sites.

She uploads and plays the most popular hip-hop videos (including lines like "I'm sprung … come and git me" and "Lick it, lick it, lick it good").

She mentioned that on one weekend she got up after her dad was asleep and stayed up till 4 a.m. "talking" to this really cool girl in Greece and another one in Australia.

Yes, I want to spy and monitor and control, but I have no access to her accounts at her dad's — and no influence at all over his desire not to monitor, supervise or watch over her. He thinks I'm neurotically over-involved in her business. I feel like I'm ignorant of everything until there's an explosion — when a mom calls me to tell me what she's been doing or saying on another person's site or e-mail.

I bought a computer to entice her to log on to her existing accounts and made her give me her passwords … but that will last only until the first time she realizes I'm spying on her. Then she'll close that door, too. Suggestions?

A. It's obvious your daughter not only needs you to know what she's doing on the Internet, but more than anything, she needs real supervision and limits. Her father won't be so free and easy with her if he finds her sexually involved with a predator. She's vulnerable prey. Can her dad have missed the numerous TV shows that have caught sexual predators?

Since you can't control what your daughter does at her dad's home, I suggest you set clear limits at your home (no more than 2 hours total screen time), and even more important, arrange to keep her very involved in other activities. If you get her to join the school choir or band and a sports team or two, you may be able to shorten her computer time by diversion. A drama or media club could provide sufficient expression for her theatrics. Find some time to take her to movies, theater or concerts, so you can be a fun mom. You may have a shot at convincing her there's more to life than cyber communication.

As to checking her website use, use eBLASTER (www.eblaster.com) or another program to be certain she's not in trouble. You can give her reasonable privacy once you're confident she's safe.

For free newsletters about guidelines for the Internet, raising girls for resilience, or growing up too fast, send a large self-addressed, stamped envelope to P.O. Box 32, Watertown, WI, 53094, or visit www.sylviarimm.com for more parenting information.

Dr. Sylvia B. Rimm is the director of the Family Achievement Clinic in Cleveland, Ohio, a clinical professor of psychiatry and pediatrics at the Case Western Reserve University School of Medicine, and the author of many books on parenting. More information on raising kids is available at www.sylviarimm.com. Please send questions to: Sylvia B. Rimm on Raising Kids, P.O. Box 32, Watertown, WI 53094 or srimm@sylviarimm.com. To read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate website at www.creators.com.

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