Q. My 16-year-old lost his dad to illness about four years ago. Until that time my son was top of his class; his bedroom was immaculate; and if I asked him to do something, it was done. Now he's barely passing anything, his room is a mess and I can't get him to get off his duff. What happened? What can I do?

A. While four years of grieving for a lost father may seem beyond expectation, the death of a father during those precarious adolescent years often causes great problems, especially for boys. The pattern of dramatic underachievement and disorganization are all too familiar counterparts of adolescent grief. It's difficult to know what your son is feeling and it may be even more difficult for him to understand his own confused behavior. There are so many reasons for a child who's lost a father to feel angry and discouraged. When you add to that the normal peer and competitive pressures of the middle school years, it's hard to guess about all the causes of his problems.

You'll need to be patient, and I expect that your own grief may make that even more difficult. If you had a good relationship with your son's father, you can remind your son that he has many of the good qualities of his father. You may have to do this carefully, since your son's similarities to his father could also cause him to worry that he, too, will die early. A loving and achieving uncle, grandfather, coach, scout leader, or male teacher could make a significant difference to your son at this time.

Your son would benefit from counseling, but you may find it difficult to convince him to go. He's more likely to share with a counselor the thoughts that are running through his head. Once a counselor knows how your son is thinking, he or she can guide him in a better direction.

For free newsletters about middle or high school students growing up too fast, or raising boys, send a large self-addressed, stamped envelope to P.O. Box 32, Watertown, WI, 53094, or read "Solving the Mysterious Underachievement Problem" at www.sylviarimm.com.

Don't Take Dancing Away From Daughter

Q. My daughter is a sophomore at a highly competitive high school. She's also an accomplished dancer. I laid down the rule that she could dance at her current level only if she maintained A's and B's. I conceded on a C for one particularly hard subject. I'm afraid my daughter won't get the grades I require to keep dancing. The conflict for me is that I see how happy dancing makes her on the one hand, and on the other hand, I know she wants to get into a good college. I'd love your thoughts on how to help her pursue her passion while also achieving the grades she needs.

A. While dance is her passion, her chances of making it her career are slim, despite her talent. If she can't find enough time for her homework, perhaps she and her dance teacher can modify her dance schedule to allow her more time for study without it seeming like punishment. College is a serious enterprise, so she needs to prepare. Visiting a college early can help her learn what's expected and motivate her for both study and dance.

For a free newsletter about helping students choose a college, send a large self-addressed, stamped envelope to P.O. Box 32, Watertown, WI, 53094, or visit www.sylviarimm.com for more parenting information.

Dr. Sylvia B. Rimm is the director of the Family Achievement Clinic in Cleveland, Ohio, a clinical professor of psychiatry and pediatrics at the Case Western Reserve University School of Medicine, and the author of many books on parenting. More information on raising kids is available at www.sylviarimm.com. Please send questions to: Sylvia B. Rimm on Raising Kids, P.O. Box 32, Watertown, WI 53094 or srimm@sylviarimm.com. To read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate website at www.creators.com.

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