Q. My 9-year-old son has been speaking in a very negative way about his sister, father, and life in general. I feel like he may be using his sadness to get his way; for example, hiding in his room when I refuse to cook his favorites. Other circumstances include an angry and perpetually sleeping father who rarely pays attention to any of us, but that's another story. I mentioned to my son that maybe he might like to talk to someone outside the family about his anger and he liked the idea and seems to be looking forward to it. I'm dismayed by the choices in the phone book, so I think I may ask the school for help with this problem. Any suggestions?

A. While I agree that it would be helpful for your son to talk to a counselor, an angry, almost always sleeping father needs serious help, and so do you. The family problems are undoubtedly linked and if you can't get your husband to get help or pay attention, you may need the courage to make changes in your own life. I can't give you an easy answer in this letter, but you should find someone to help you sort out your life dilemma. Both your son and daughter must be affected by the difficult family dynamics. I recommend you find a counselor that can help the entire family.

For a free newsletter about the principles of parenting, send a large self-addressed, stamped envelope to P.O. Box 32, Watertown, WI, 53094, or read "The Foundational Principles of Parenting" at www.sylviarimm.com.

Gifted Children More Than Clever

Q. I have a 10-year-old son who's been identified as gifted by his school district. Recently, I was invited to attend a program for parents of gifted students. We were shown a video presentation that you created especially for the parents' module of the Ohio Department of Education's Jacob K. Javits Gifted and Talented Students Education Program. I was interested in "Ten Things All Parents of Gifted Children Should Know." Is it really necessary to use the term "gifted"? I feel this is a very special word.

I always considered my son to be clever but am concerned about him feeling too special or different when referred to as "gifted." I wondered if there's a difference between the term "gifted" and "clever."

A. Of course there are many kinds of intelligences, and thus many kinds of giftedness, but I don't believe that "clever" delivers the message of how capable gifted children are. It will probably be more comfortable for you and your child to refer to him by less extreme words than gifted, such as bright, clever, smart, talented or reasonably intelligent, so that he doesn't feel so unusual, special, or pressured to live up to extreme words. Definitely avoid words like brilliant, genius, and extraordinary when describing his talent.

On the other hand, as educators and parents we need to understand that programming for gifted children needs to be defined and accountable if taxpayers are going to continue to fund appropriate programs for a minority group of children. If we are to advance as a society, we'll have to cultivate and challenge these extremely bright young people, indeed, or we will not nourish their very important gifts and won't be able to flourish as a society. We do want them to work hard, learn and use their abilities. All children are "clever" in their own way, but all children do not require special academic programs.

For a free newsletter about keys to parenting gifted children, please send a large, self-addressed, stamped envelope to P.O. Box 32, Watertown, WI, 53094, or go to www.sylviarimm.com for more parenting information.

Dr. Sylvia B. Rimm is the director of the Family Achievement Clinic in Cleveland, Ohio, a clinical professor of psychiatry and pediatrics at the Case Western Reserve University School of Medicine, and the author of many books on parenting. More information on raising kids is available at www.sylviarimm.com. Please send questions to: Sylvia B. Rimm on Raising Kids, P.O. Box 32, Watertown, WI 53094 or srimm@sylviarimm.com. To read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate website at www.creators.com.

COPYRIGHT 2008 CREATORS SYNDICATE, INC.