A. My research on over 5,000 middle school students for my book "Growing Up Too Fast: The Rimm Report on the Secret World of America's Middle Schoolers" (Rodale, 2005) showed the pressure that kids feel to be considered popular. Being popular was the greatest worry for both girls and boys. While not all popular kids were bullies, reports of bullying were all too common. The 13-year-old who sent me the letter below wanted me to share it with parents to heighten their awareness of the pressures she and her friends feel. I'm hoping her letter will sensitize parents to dilemmas their children may be experiencing. I appreciate her finding the courage to write and hope it will encourage other tweens who are feeling pressured.

Q. I'm responding to the letter from a mother about her daughter being teased in school by "popular kids." I'm 13 years old and going into the eighth grade. I have popular kids in my grade too and they are major bullies. What you said about helping her avoid teen drinking and drug parties is true. My grade is made up of 90 percent "populars" and 10 percent "geeks" and almost all of the populars drink or do drugs, so it's probably best for her not to get into that group of kids. I say I'd rather be hated for who I am than to be liked (by fake friends) for who I'm not.

Granddaughters Need Protection

Q. My son is divorced. He has two little girls, ages 4 and 7. The 7-year-old has told me that her mom and new stepdad argue a lot and throw and break things. He's even punched a hole in the wall. She's worried he might "hurt her mommy." She begged me not to say anything, because her mom told her not to tell anyone. Is there anything I can do to help without breaking her confidence?

A. There's always a chance that there's only been one argument and your granddaughter is exaggerating.

So before you overreact, you may want to ask her to describe more fully exactly what she saw and how many times this happened. If it's as serious as it sounds, you need to be sure your granddaughter is safe.

You should explain to her that she should never have to keep a secret if she's afraid someone will be hurt, and you should thank her for having the courage to tell you. Also, review with her how she can call 911 if she's afraid she's in danger. Rehearse so she knows how to give the 911 operator a brief description of what's happening and her address and telephone number. For example, she can say to the operator, "My name is … , and my stepdad is throwing things at my mommy, and I'm afraid she will get hurt. We live at … , and my telephone number is ... " Then she can stay away from the fighting by going into her room and closing her door. Tell her that you must tell her daddy, because you love her and want to be sure she's safe.

I do think you should carefully share her story with your son so that he responds, but doesn't overreact. He'll want to protect his children and even ascertain that his ex-wife is safe. Hopefully, he can communicate with her in a non confrontive way and justify you sharing the information because of your concern for the children's safety. Depending on the nature of you son's relationship with his ex, she may find his support helpful. Regardless of the circumstances, your granddaughters need protection.

For a free newsletter about grandparenting do's and don'ts, send a large, self-addressed, stamped envelope to P.O. Box 32, Watertown, WI 53094, or read "Grandparenting Do's and Don'ts" at www.sylviarimm.com.

Dr. Sylvia B. Rimm is the director of the Family Achievement Clinic in Cleveland, Ohio, a clinical professor of psychiatry and pediatrics at the Case Western Reserve University School of Medicine, and the author of many books on parenting. More information on raising kids is available at www.sylviarimm.com. Please send questions to: Sylvia B. Rimm on Raising Kids, P.O. Box 32, Watertown, WI 53094 or srimm@sylviarimm.com. To read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate website at www.creators.com.

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