Q. What do you do when a picky eater is 12 years old and refuses to eat anything he doesn't like or isn't in the mood for? We tried telling my stepson he can eat what we have or go hungry, but he'll actually go all day without eating rather than eat something he doesn't want. He often complains about having to eat at all because he'd rather watch television or play video games.

Our stepson is very thin, almost skeletal in appearance, and small for his age. He has food phobias of fish and cheese because his mother told him he's allergic to them. He'll drink milk, eat yogurt and ice cream, and put parmesan cheese on his pasta, but claims he's lactose intolerant. He'll drink copious amounts of soda and eat candy and sweets if allowed. He relishes the idea that he only eats junk food. If allowed, he'd eat nothing but plain pasta with butter and grated cheese, instant mashed potatoes, and occasionally, chicken fingers or hot dogs.

Our stepson occasionally complains about being the smallest child in middle school, but when we point out that he can't grow if his body doesn't get enough protein, he pouts and refuses to eat. It doesn't help that my 13-year-old son is 6 feet tall and eats me out of house and home.

My stepson has also started saying he may be small, but he makes up for it in personality. As the youngest, he relishes the role of being the baby. He's sometimes picked on at school and in the neighborhood for being immature.

I've started buying special brands of the foods he'll eat that are higher in nutrition. I don't dare tell him, though, because he'd refuse to eat them. I'm also considering buying him supplemental shakes and telling him they're milkshakes in the hope that he'll drink them.

Since he isn't my son, I'm sure his mother would see me taking him to the doctor as overstepping my bounds. I'm truly at a loss.

A. The best hope for your stepson is getting him to believe adolescence is a very important age for growth, and missing that growth time by eating insufficient food could keep him small for the rest of his life.

Despite his comments, I assure you he'd like to grow.

Beyond that simple statement, it's probably better to avoid food battles. Serve the family food, and try to include at least one thing he usually eats. If he'd like to add a peanut butter and jelly sandwich or another food of his choice, permit him to help himself. Ignore the food phobias. He doesn't need cheese if he's already having milk, yogurt, and ice cream.

Because he's late in maturing, as he begins his growth spurt his body changes will encourage him to eat. If your husband and other children are enjoying your food, he'll be even more likely to catch on and find food good. It's a good idea to offer those high nutrition foods and milkshakes. They may help without him feeling like he's losing in a battle. Comments by relatives noticing his growth could also be enough to motivate him. No one enjoys being smallest in the class.

I'm sure your tall son is part of your stepson's problem, and I'm hoping he's not too hard on his stepbrother. Steer the family dinner conversation away from what everyone is eating or not eating, so that interests of the day become the topics for discussion. All food is enjoyed more with pleasant conversation.

If you're concerned about possible weight loss, your husband should discuss it with the boy's mother so that he visits his doctor to prevent any potentially serious eating disorders.

For a free newsletter about blended families, or eating problems, send a large, self-addressed, stamped envelope to P.O. Box 32, Watertown, WI, 53094, or go to www.sylviarimm.com for more information.

Dr. Sylvia B. Rimm is the director of the Family Achievement Clinic in Cleveland, Ohio, a clinical professor of psychiatry and pediatrics at the Case Western Reserve University School of Medicine, and the author of many books on parenting. More information on raising kids is available at www.sylviarimm.com. Please send questions to: Sylvia B. Rimm on Raising Kids, P.O. Box 32, Watertown, WI 53094 or srimm@sylviarimm.com. To read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate website at www.creators.com.

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