DEAR SUSAN: Generally, your advice seems to be full of wisdom and insight. I just wonder, though, whether you had considered a different angle to the reader's extreme neediness in a recent column. Is it possible this man only wants someone who doesn't want him? And when someone actually does want him, he changes his mind. I think a lot of people fit that description. My first husband certainly did. Our marriage felt like a yo-yo. I always had to attract someone else before he'd come running back. I finally got tired of the game and ended the marriage. — Sybil S., Long Island, N.Y.

DEAR SYBIL: In the world of relationships, these are the players who wind up empty-handed. They simply cannot maintain love on their own; they need an outside spur in the form of a rival to keep things lively. Which raises the issue of self-esteem and whether they feel worthy of victory. It's self-esteem on a downward course. In our single community, it's similar to the person who shows up every year at the singles events, looking but not looking, afraid of missing out on the latest crop. They come across as terrific, bright and amiable, but they never seem to become part of a couple. These are Professional Singles, seemingly desirable but actually with a mindset titillated by the chase … but who shy away from the feasting. Conquering hearts is as far as they will go. That thrill is the fuel that keeps them going — and keeps them uncoupled. Your ersatz marriage was also going nowhere, and you caught on to that fact in time to rescue yourself. Being your own savior feels quite good, no? You backed out in time to start a new life and a healthy relationship. Good going.

DEAR SUSAN: I recently met a friend of a friend. She and I have gone out a few times, and I really care for her. She told me she really likes me, but she's just left a seven-year relationship and wants to take things slowly. I worry I'll lose her if I don't do something, but I don't want to push her. What can I do to make everyone happy? — Gavin H., Tucson, Ariz.

DEAR GAVIN: For openers, you can't lose this woman without her consent; and worrying about the future gets you nowhere. Do yourself (and me) a favor and shift all that downbeat energy to more constructive projects, such as building respect and friendship with this really nice new friend. Honor her need for space. Take things slowly. So slowly, in fact, that she gets curious about how you're spending your time away from her. The point? Respect her wishes but keep your own in full view, if you please. She's coming from a very long relationship (which speaks well for her loyalty) and right now needs air to breathe. Forget that at your peril. Crowding her, as you intuit, would be disastrous for the relationship. Instead, dig into your own interests — which will make you a more interesting companion — and put other people into your life on a regular basis. Don't make this relationship the be-all and end-all of your life. Keep it light, interesting, varied and merely one of life's pleasures. Being together should be fun for both of you. Not silliness, just unpressured pleasant company. Let this nice lady breathe.

LET'S TALK. There are a few ways to keep our conversation going:

— Write to the newspaper featuring "Single File." (Tuck in a long, stamped, self-addressed envelope for return mail.)

— Log on to www.creators.com. Click on the "Lifestyle' section to read my column.

— E-mail me at info@creators.com.

JUNE TIP: Too much sitting is one of the causes of our national obesity. (And from that come diabetes and heart disease and lots of other preventable illnesses.)

It needn't be formal exercise at the gym. Any activity is beneficial. Simply being in motion is the key. "The idea is to get out of your chair," says James Levine, a professor of medicine at the Mayo Clinic. He would know. His office has none.

Write to Susan Deitz c/o this newspaper. She will answer all letters that come with a self-addressed, stamped envelope. Or you may e-mail her at info@creators.com.

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