DEAR READERS: It's that time again, our time to muse and ponder — and think. This ol' world moves so quickly it leaves little time to meditate on the Big Stuff — Life and Love and Happiness, the biggies that inhabit our minds but can be overwhelmed and forced to retreat from consciousness. But they haven't abandoned us; their wisdom is still the foundation of a good life. A life lived well. That said, let's move forward to this month's group of ponderables. …

—Why do you engage in sex? To get back at your parents? To keep him coming back? To experience affection? To rebel against your religion/upbringing?

—Morals and values don't change with marital status. Even after divorce, respondents to my survey reported that bed hopping is not for them because it doesn't feel right. After the first exciting sense of freedom when they became single again, most respondents went back to the moral standards they had when they were married.

—When one partner in a dead love relationship refuses to see the truth and refuses to let go and move on, it's sad — and a life lesson. It may feel like the end of the world, but it's not. And next time, I hope you'll remember to keep your friends and interests, because they'll be there even if romantic love ends. If you keep those parts of your identity, you won't have that awful sense that your very essence has died. Warning: Don't wrap your life around one person.

—The benefits of a platonic relationship are many. The main one is that it gives a deep understanding of the other sex, helping you to realize it's not at all the "opposite" sex. And it enables you to come close to that other camp without the complexities that sex introduces. There are many possibilities for such a relationship, and it's wise to take advantage of them all. It allows you to develop a deep and honest understanding of the other gender; you get to know the way their minds operate and to understand their priorities and their dislikes.

—Never choose the company of a Diminisher, because they make you feel less of a person. We all deserve to be with Augmenters, people who feel good about themselves and want you to feel as good as they do.

—Why is it that the busiest people accomplish the most and can always do what is asked of them? You can apply the same principle to responsible people; they're the ones who form the best relationships and follow through on their pledges.

—Even if the end of your love wasn't formalized (a circumstance I call premarital divorce), it still hurts. Deeply. Legal status has little to do with human emotions, and love knows — and cares — nothing about legal forms or statutes. The ending is awful, without question. But it may help to remember that this pain can also cut so deeply it revives the will to live, to survive, to grow. The most painful times are often the most productive and introspective. They often foster huge leaps in personal growth.

—Fresh from divorce — formal or premarital — you can do and say crazy, off-the-wall things. This is a wild period, and it's best to recognize that and to realize your extreme vulnerability. So don't make any major decisions or commitments at this time, which often can last up to a year.

—Don't give yourself too many restrictions when it comes to love partnership. There can't be that many qualifications or traits so important to you that they are must-haves! (The few that are, of course, must not be compromised or ignored.) Do yourself a huge favor and make a list of those MUST-haves (e.g., religion, age, ethnicity) crucial to your well-being when entering love partnership. But keep in mind that compromise and flexibility can make a situation work for both lovers.

Write to Susan Deitz c/o this newspaper. She will answer all letters that come with a self-addressed, stamped envelope. Or you may e-mail her at info@creators.com.

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