DEAR SUSAN: I'm 33, never married, and still an awkward adolescent when it comes to men. There is someone I'm very attracted to who belongs to my church. We've talked about our common interests when I've made it a point to start the conversations. I've even given him my phone number (under another pretense). But how should I let him know I'd like to go out with him? — Cynthia C., Long Island, N.Y.

DEAR CYNTHIA: You may need a sharper focus for your campaign, but my sense is that's the only thing you need. You've already chosen your man, you know his habits and a really kosher meeting place to meet him and make your pitch. (Well, maybe not kosher, but you get my meaning.) What more could a 33-year-old adolescent ask for, except of course an opening salvo? And even that needn't be smoothly suave. If this fellow's at all interested, he'll know a good comeback. Men know what's expected of them. So sit back and relax while you and I work on this project.

And in fact a church project is my suggestion for you!! My idea is for a church newsletter, perhaps for single members — but not necessarily so. (The singles aspect might be a bit intimidating to this man; you'll know by his reaction.) It'll make good conversation and call for plenty of meetings between the two of you, whether or not it comes to fruition. Anyway, a newsletter gives you a chance to tap into facts about him … work, interests and whether he'll join you for coffee somewhere nearby. His reply to that most casual of questions will probably determine the future of your relationship. If he shows interest — in you and/or the newsletter — he'll take it from there, and you and I can part company.

If not, well, nothing ventured … I'll expect your second letter. Right now, make your thoughts upbeat. And give it all you've got.

DEAR SUSAN: I met a guy who says he doesn't want a relationship. All he wants is to be friends. When I asked him how he can kiss and have sex with a friend, he said that whatever happens, happens. Then he said that when we're doing that stuff, it'll be hard to stay friends, and we'll be more than friends. I want a boyfriend, but I'm confused. — Leah M., Cherry Hill, N.J.

DEAR LEAH: My reading? Take him at his words and head for the nearest exit. This fellow's trouble. Not that he's evil, not at all. But he's just as dangerous as a wormy apple. Don't take even one sniff of what he's selling. His is the confusion of immaturity. And you're vulnerable because you want a boyfriend badly. Do me a favor, Leah. Stop telling the world you're hungry for a boyfriend. That announcement will attract the wrong kind of young man. (This fellow proves the point.) Develop your interests and good friends, and pretty soon you'll be drawing good people to your side. This poor fellow won't be among them. Good riddance.

ALTERNATIVES TO MARRIAGE PROJECT. This is the fledgling group (10,000 members nationwide) doing some solid work. For instance, they provide direct, detailed response to people who contact them to ask about their unique personal situations. They have overhauled the Domestic Partnerships content on their Web site.

There's so much more work this group is doing. They held a fundraiser in my home, which drew an overflow crowd. For more information, visit them at www.unmarried.org.

Write to Susan Deitz c/o this newspaper. She will answer all letters that come with a self-addressed, stamped envelope. Or you may e-mail her at info@creators.com.

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