DEAR SUSAN: Recently, a major newspaper's cover story reported that men are confused. They have tried to be more caring because women complained they needed to be more sensitive. Now, the men I know are saying that women see them as wimps! I've experienced that myself and am also confused. — Ivor M., Long Island, N.Y.

DEAR IVOR: Great Subject! In the words of a well-known politico, I feel your pain. Men today can be butterflies or tigers; which role they play is chosen not by them, but by the women they happen to be with. And yes, I've seen their uncertainty up close and personal (very). Men these days are downright schizzy about the whole dating scene. (Think back to my survey's finding that most women believe sex is expected on the first date, while men report that's not true at all. Hoped for, perhaps, but definitely not expected.) That's an example of the basic misunderstandings fueling war between the sexes; and so it continues, misunderstanding stacked on misunderstanding. And — guess what — we're stuck in the middle of yet another one: SENSITIVITY IS NOT WIMPISHNESS (caps for emphasis — it's that important). To be sensitive, a man needs to relate to his woman respectfully. That takes listening to what she says — and what she doesn't. In a new relationship (and all others), silences are full of meaning. For that, you need a clear mind and focus. You're entitled to your opinion, so speak it. After all, your opinions define you. (Only wimps fear expressing themselves, and we've decided that's not what women want.) So, men, speak up — giving equal time to listen — and don't be timid. The woman beside you may not agree, but you can bet your button-down she likes your gumption. One more thing: Women can learn from this advice too. They're half the equation.

DEAR SUSAN: A long-running relationship of mine is going nowhere. He never has time for me; he says to have faith and be patient and wait. But my faith is running out. Meanwhile, there's a guy at work who thinks a lot of me, but he's unhappily married. He wants to see me, but I'm not sure. I like him but I don't love him, and I don't want to lead him on. What to do? — Angie H., Cherry Hill, N.J.

DEAR ANGIE: You're in a pickle, for sure, but it's a sweet one.

And, smart cookie, you're already making a beeline for the Exit door. Without formal proclamation, make it a point to be otherwise engaged or out of the house whenever Mr. Patience deigns to ask for company. That'll make him either speed up his invitations or stop calling altogether. Either way, stay cool and composed, and deliberately put your intentions elsewhere. As in non-dating, that is (ahem). I promise you the most interesting fellow you've met in a long time is out there, but he's probably not a cubicle away. I can make that promise because the woman who's losing patience (you) has the guts to be dateless while she explores other things. That stance is likely to produce the third man in your life, the one who truly is your equal. Think about it.

WARREN FARRELL'S WISDOM. Dr. Warren Farrell, friend and colleague, is a trusted lens through which crucial elements of manhood are brought into sharp focus. It's not easy being green, but it's even more complex being male. From Farrell's recent article "Omaha, Columbine, and the Vietnamization of Masculinity," this excerpt:

"Our sons are experiencing the Vietnamization of masculinity. In Vietnam, we condemned only our sons for what we drafted only our sons to do. Today our sons face a Catch-22: they see the football players being cheered even as we condemn their macho. The doctors and dotcommers are still considered most eligible for love, but often their focus on work and money does not make them lovable. The Vietnamization of our sons is rewarding them for playing the old role and condemning them for having the mentality the old roles breed. …

"The Vietnamization of masculinity has produced mixed messages and confused sons. When we care as much about saving males as saving whales, we will also save ourselves. When we seek to find boys' inner world, we will give a gift to our sons in the 21st Century that we gave to our daughters in the 20th Century."

Dear Readers: Dr. Farrell is expanding the issue you and I have been probing. He widens and deepens this crucial topic. For interviews, he can be contacted via telephone at 415-259-6343 or via e-mail at warren@warrenfarrell.com. Warren Farrell's books include "Why Men Are the Way They Are," "Women Can't Hear What Men Don't Say" and "Father and Child Reunion."

All of his books are worth your time and musings. You have my word on it.

Write to Susan Deitz c/o this newspaper. She will answer all letters that come with a self-addressed, stamped envelope. Or you may e-mail her at info@creators.com.

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