DEAR SUSAN: I just finished reading "men don't want to be saviors" in your column, which went on to suggest that older women date younger men. I certainly agree that a solid relationship should be made up of two distinct individuals who bring out the best in each other — distinct individuals who function well on their own but also want companionship along their chosen paths.

But you seem to indicate that women are just starting to date younger men, when the reality is they've been doing that for a long time now. Just take a look at craigslist.org personals, and you'll see dozens of women in their 40s, 50s and 60s seeking someone a decade younger. Personally, I find that a woman's positive sense of self reflects her inner confidence, and I am very strongly attracted to that. And so I enjoy the company of women in the 45-50 age range, because they're not as angry as older women who were dumped or disappointed by life. I find that women in their 40s typically don't have that anger built up yet, so they're easier and more fun to be with.

I've come to believe that there are many ways to define a relationship that works well. Maybe they're not all for me, but the variety is fascinating. Long live the individual! — Ethan U., New York City

DEAR ETHAN: Yes, true love starts with strong individuality. That is the core we have within us that makes us unique. That personhood is one-to-a-customer and goes way beyond marital status to make every one of us single. The mission of "Single File" and many other inroads I've made into the unmarried community is to highlight and strengthen that commonality. The end result of that bond is a love partnership tensile and flexible, mutually trusting enough to allow each partner to build a unique destiny, outward into the world beyond their relationship. That then is the ideal: close and loving togetherness that encourages partners to stand apart, not in each other's shadow, and live their lives fully while engaging in the loving exchange.

This sort of bond can exist only between partners who can trust themselves and one another. A climate such as this nurtures individuality on all levels because partners are encouraged to take their individuality out into the world and explore its potential.

You're certainly on the right track, Ethan. Your focus is sharp and straight. There's much to say and so little space to contain the words. But you've bridged the distance between us. Your thoughts are appreciated, their energy undeniably provocative. Until next time, then …

MARRY ME A LITTLE. That's how I once defined cohabitation, in the early days, before married couples were a minority.(!) It's still considered a test for compatibility by some, a way of life for fewer people. What's your take on living together (which incidentally is the fastest-growing segment of the unmarried population)? Even without a crystal ball, I can tell you that this is the way it's going to be. Because marriage — formal rite at the altar — is slip-sliding away. On the rocks. And this messy economy isn't making it more popular. Marriage-age guys and gals aren't gleeful about taking on yet another expense, a mate who comes with prenups and divorce attorneys. All that jazz.

Is that a fact? Or am I just having a bad day?! Let's talk.

QUIET REVOLUTION. Some sharp changes in society are "empty" revolutions, with not much content or cause. These are the ones that fade into the mist, seemingly an idea whose time has (not yet) come. Not so with our revolution, the hugely influential force of singles refusing all inducements to wed. They turn up their noses at the concept of legal wedlock. They still want love and affection, they still want to live near their parents, they still want to love and be loved. BUT they want their privacy, their own space. And this mindset has been flipping markets upside down. They are the new remorseless consumer, the new sort of senior who doesn't do divestiture. They are the graying AARP member who travels and keeps every luxury of their youth. Yes, the new majority — the trend-setting unmarried — are very much setting their own style. Do you applaud or disagree? Write in.

Write to Susan Deitz c/o this newspaper. She will answer all letters that come with a self-addressed, stamped envelope. Or you may e-mail her at info@creators.com.

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