DEAR SUSAN: I need to put my ex behind me and find someone new. I've got a lot of pain to get over, and I think it would be easier to do with another woman. I have my own business and am financially secure, and all I want is to treat some woman like a queen. If you could help me heal my broken heart, I'd be eternally grateful. — Arturo A., Long Island, N.Y.

DEAR ARTURO: Heart healing is a solo act. Only a skilled therapist can be your shaman, and even then it's up to you. No one can do it for you, sad to say. Drowning your sadness in a new relationship is merely a temporary fix that inevitably will throw you back into the issue(s) that brought this one to a screeching halt. No new woman will willingly become your lifesaver; it's boring and it's burdensome. The hard truth is, you won't be ready for a new Queen until you've dethroned the old one. And that, dear Arturo, takes time. You've got to face the face in the mirror openly and honestly, warts and all, and confront the responsibility that's yours for the pained heart you carry around. Would you choose the same kind of woman the next time? What was it about your ex that you found un-Queenlike? What were her issues about you? This is a solo performance by yourself — for yourself. No one but you can ease the hurt that's with you night and day. Make that your mantra. God bless.

DEAR READERS: This is the rest of the letter I promised. Too insightful to abbreviate, here in its entirety is the rest to munch on and think over. (The last sentence, in particular, has gravitas for us all.)

—What are the advantages of being single? Do they outweigh those of marriage?

I start to think they do outweigh marriage when friends and relatives use me to vent their frustrations and difficulties achieving consensus with their spouse. Some of them are happily married, but it seems even the happiest relationships involve so much hard work that I can't imagine inviting that level of compromise into my life. I have plenty of friends. They're there for me when I need them, and I'm there for them. And when I want to be alone, that's no problem either.

—Have you changed your definition of promiscuity (remember the word!) since you became single?

Not really. I can count my physically intimate relationships on one hand still, in my late 30s. On one level, bodies are easy. What happens between lovers isn't new for me, even when it's between new lovers. If I wanted physical intimacy, that's not so hard to find. As for emotional intimacy, I can't find that until I can offer it, and right now I'm not even trying to find someone. I'm not open to it yet. — Angelica D., Tucson, Ariz.

DEAR SUSAN: I'm 24 with a great personality, but I'm overweight. Are there really guys out there who are interested in girls who weigh too much? (If there are, why haven't I met them?) — Sharon S., Peoria, Ill.

DEAR SHARON: The old wisdom — first things first — applies here. Your great personality will remain unseen by the world unless and until you lose poundage. (Not for the men out there so much as for your own health and well-being.) You'll be much changed in many ways: First — and best of all — no more apologies, thank you very much. Your personality will sparkle in your eyes and your attitude, hidden no longer under extra pounds. Your confident self will take front and center. You and your physician (and trainer?) will be your moral support as you shed the unnecessary inches that slowed you down in the meeting game. Someday (soon) you'll see yourself making a subtle advance to meet an attractive someone. Or to get the job you want. Best of all the goodnesses to come your way will be the pride you feel in yourself! It takes discipline to eat healthily, to work out at the gym regularly. That discipline will show itself in other aspects of your life, bringing only good things with it. Your first step to that improved version of you is to make an appointment with your physician today. Do it.

Write to Susan Deitz c/o this newspaper. She will answer all letters that come with a self-addressed, stamped envelope. Or you may e-mail her at info@creators.com.

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