DEAR SUSAN: I'm 89, spent years in the work force, many of them in defense plants working side by side with men, doing the exact same things as they did but with one huge difference: Their pay was much higher than mine! That rankled me, especially when I was assigned to teach them my job, because I knew they'd be paid more than I would. However, shortly before I retired some progress was made, and both sexes began to be paid equally for the same work.

As I see it, some men are now in the same boat with women, only they aren't working their way through to secure their positions (without lament) as women have had to do. They've always had that advantage for free; but now they have to earn it.

But that doesn't hold true for the real men, as I call them, those who apply their abilities to get the job done without fanfare. These men know their worth; they prove it every day, quietly and efficiently. Their coattails have carried lesser men along with them, but now both men and women have to prove their worth. The picture has changed, and it's about time! — Bonnie G., Long Island, N.Y.

DEAR BONNIE: Hold on to your hat. Warren Farrell, not exactly a novice in the arena of male-female rights, has researched for more than a decade the issue of female-male pay differential. He discovered 25 measurable life choices that tilt the balance and explain much about them. When each one was accounted for (i.e., hours worked; willingness to do hazardous jobs or jobs that required overnight travel; relocating; working evenings and weekends, etc.), the best estimate was that women out-earned men. … But before you blow your top, Bonnie, hear what else Dr. Farrell concludes: "The real sexism is the assumption that only women have much to learn. In fact, men should also be learning from women how to have more balanced lives." Not the words of a rabid sexist, eh? They may even qualify him to join your hall of fame for Real Men. However you read them, they are definitely food for thought.

BED GRATITUDE. How often do you stop your busy/hectic life and appreciate the partner who makes it possible? The greatest place to express your gratitude for all you have and all they do for you? Right on … the bedroom. So much happens in the vertical life you two share, so many gestures of consideration (some small and some otherwise), it's only logical to return the goodness in the most intimate setting where no one watches or hears. The one place where you both are totally unbound from convention and duty. It's there, in your horizontal words and gestures, that your true self, the tenderness and all, can take center stage and show your Other what a plus they are in your life. How deeply you care for/about them, how much they augment your life. Staying in this evening?

DEAR SUSAN: Can a man be too nice to a woman? — Erik H., Santa Rosa, Calif.

DEAR ERIK: Oh, yes, can he ever!! One reader's problem (described in detail in a recent letter) went on (and on) about a man who was absolutely smothering her with affection, to the point where she changed her phone number and was seriously considering moving to another address! And yet, she described him as considerate, gentle, aiming to please, never raising his voice to her, always complimenting her on her appearance and so on. Ad nauseam. This may not sound like a problem situation, but believe it or not, this is. Wisdom says that a difference in degree is a difference in kind. His extreme niceness (if you can call it that) grew into a tyranny, behavior that mushroomed to overwhelming proportions. She couldn't even explain it to him in their final talk. His affection got to be so outsized she began to see him as a potential stalker. OK. That's an extreme case. There's another kind of niceness, where the man has the mistaken belief that to be considered a nice guy, he should keep his mouth closed and agree with everything she says, have no opinions (anything he says might disagree with her) or suggestions, pay for everything and go home — kissless — certain he had made a good impression and a second date is a sure thing. For any guy who recognizes himself in that scenario, listen up! NICE ISN'T BORING. NICE ISN'T MUTE, DULL, TOO AGREEABLE. (Now do you see what you're doing wrong?) Niceness is niceness, PLUS A WHOLE LOT MORE. Get beyond the dating mindset and meet women by doing things you like to do: hiking, recycling, golf lessons, cooking class. JUST DO IT. Read your favorite blogs, go to bike meets, log on to your pet political candidate's site and volunteer some time. Work at a soup kitchen when you can; you'll meet some good people, guaranteed. You get the idea: Nice is active, interested, interesting. Nice is having opinions and daring to speak them. Yes, you may have (small) disagreements, but some listeners — the interesting ones — will smile at you. I suggest you return the smile. And so it goes, a new relationship is launched.

Write to Susan Deitz c/o this newspaper. She will answer all letters that come with a self-addressed, stamped envelope. Or you may e-mail her at info@creators.com.

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