DEAR SUSAN: Hello again. The myth that all men will have sex with any willing woman was a good one to raise. And you did so very well, I thought. Now make the connection between that issue and women's reluctance to make a first move in sex, or (as I put it) unwilling to do their share of the "wanting." Hmm? — Bub Out (again), Santa Rosa, Calif.

DEAR BUB OUT: You do raise the most interesting issues to chomp on. They're pretty near always provocative. I can count on a mini-tsunami of "yes, but" reader mail after you've had your say in this column. So it's a given that this latest epistle will also send lots of readers to their desks, pen in hand. (You're stingy with words this time, but that only ups their impact!) I think we women have been conditioned/trained/admonished not to show sexual desire, to hide our "wanting" from the man lest he think we're hussies. We want to be seen as wife material, so we deliberately hang back from the goings-on (aka sex) and let him be the major player. We're not immune to erotic gymnastics, mind you, but our ache for respectability takes priority. (The ideal, so we are told, is to be a lady in the parlor and a ——- between the sheets. Nice work if you can get it, but not many women can pull it off … on either count.) Then there's the dictum passed from mother to daughter — and in countless school dormitories — that the man (i.e., husband) should be the instructor in such things. (Which reminds me of the girl who shared my dorm at Smith College, very bright and active and pretty, who told me she wanted to remain ignorant about her body and the sex act "because it's too mysterious to learn about it from a book." This, from a class leader very much admired. (Permit me a sigh, just recalling that travesty. I can only imagine her wedding night and all the nights thereafter.)

Aside from the ignorant women are the deniers. For instance, I was told of a wife who permits her husband only 15 minutes of sex a week and keeps an alarm clock bedside to enforce the rule. And the wife who wordlessly rolls onto her back in bed to signal receptivity to her mate … rather like "show and tell" minus the telling. And there's the bride who … oh, never mind; the point's been made. Thanks, Bub, for illuminating the dark corners of our puritanical roots. There are others, to be sure, so keep on asking good questions and sending them here.

DEAR SUSAN: I'm 29 and work in law enforcement. I have no trouble getting dates, but many single women want marriage and I don't think I ever could. I'm too set in my ways but still open-minded. When I say I don't think I could ever get married, women usually back off. But now I've met a great girl, 27, who's never been married and is hinting that she'd like to be, but it scares me. — Jake G., Cherry Hill, N.J.

DEAR JAKE: It is indeed scary to get married. For men, it's even scarier because they're expected to accept the role of provider. Women can talk all they want about liberation and equal pay for equal work — and all the perks women enjoy in and out of the workplace — but when they want a baby or need a break from work, they can do it. But men would suffer the slings of their neighbors and parents and friends. It simply isn't a male prerogative; there's too much pressure to succeed in business and earn enough so his wife can push the stroller. Men have their tyrannies, and that's a prime example of them. The male ego makes men more vulnerable to societal pressures/expectations. We can point to unfair roles for the genders, but the pressure to marry seems to be receding as singleness appeals to more and more of us. But the internal pressure is hard to quell, and that's what you're feeling right now. Why? There's no reason. Not yet, anyway. You don't know this great girl well enough to plan a lifetime together, so give yourself the time you need and deserve. Explain this to her; the dialogue that develops can bring you much closer. Slow courtships are good things, giving both partners unhurried and unpressured space to really get to know one another in different situations, seeing different sides of each other. Sure, marriage is scary, and it's not for everyone. Actually, the pendulum is swinging the other way — toward later marriages and staying unmarried longer and longer. This great girl will understand your hesitation and not coerce you into something you don't want. But promise me you'll live with her for a few months if you do get serious with her. That's a must-do. Let me know developments.

Write to Susan Deitz c/o this newspaper. She will answer all letters that come with a self-addressed, stamped envelope. Or you may e-mail her at info@creators.com.

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