DEAR SUSAN: I've tried many things you suggested. I placed an ad but was quite disappointed. I joined a video service and so far haven't gone on a single date. It seems not many women join those services, and the ones I met from the newspaper ad misrepresented themselves. I used to go to places and parties for singles, but most of the women there seem "stuck up." Help! — Gavin G., Long Island, N.Y.

DEAR GAVIN: This may sound radical, but why not delete the singles (non)events and start to live? Your current lifestyle does absolutely nothing for you but raise the frustration level. Not exactly the good life. In fact, it's no life at all. You make yourself a punching bag for women who also must pay for a social life. Small wonder they're defensive and snotty! (You probably don't radiate your best qualities either when you meet this way.) So what is it that works for an unattached single? Get out there and sparkle! Start enjoying your life — another quaintly radical notion, eh? Make your marital status a side issue, an incidental fact of your life. Let your talents, strengths, interests lead you on a path to people who share them. Not radical at all, Gavin, actually a logical road map that makes perfect sense. The irony here is that the more you distill singleness into a 24-hour safari for someone to love and be loved by, the smaller the odds you'll find your quarry. The road map for the unattached is vast, bounded only by interests and likeminded people. Final thought: Pursuing your interests usually brings you to people with similar tastes and values. Think about it.

THOUGHT FOR YOU GUYS. What are your top priorities in a woman? What MUST she be/have/look like? What qualities can you compromise on? What have you done to find your ideal woman? Have your tastes and needs changed since you were younger? Do you know the reasons for that?

DEAR SUSAN: From what I've seen, if two people are ambivalent about marriage and decide to shack up instead, it's fine. Maybe they've both been married before. Maybe they want to keep their finances separate. Maybe there are children involved who don't want their inheritance squandered on the new spouse. Whatever. If you both agree that you just want to live together, there usually aren't problems; as long as you're both financially independent (so that if one partner moves out, you can still pay the rent) AND neither of you has any religious reasons against "living in sin," these relationships can be healthy long term.

But really, how often is that the case? When two people agree to live together, usually one of them (the woman) is hoping it will result in marriage, and the other one (the man) is hoping cohabiting will placate the woman and substitute for marriage. Of course, this never works.

Basically, if you really want to marry the person you're with, you'll do it. If you're unsure, living together isn't a good idea. If you're both unsure or neither of you sees marriage as the end goal, then go ahead. But if you're secretly hoping the guy will change his mind and marry you after he sees how great living with you has been — forget it. — Maria S., New York City

DEAR MARIA: Your scenario sounds dangerously (!) like the "casual" sex blueprint: one heart lusting, the other yearning for marriage vows. Both forms of marriage-lite — cohabitation and seemingly casual sex — trade on the primeval dynamic that's been at play seemingly forever. The rationale? Women are the nesters of the race, men the procreators. So many relationships implode because of expectations, his and hers. The truth is, sexual activity imprints and is almost never casual. Yet the path to full and happy singleness is littered with casual sex casualties. (!) And I daresay the same is true for cohabitation. And yet, divorce courts are overflowing … so marriage is not a panacea either. Actually, there is no quick fix to finding and sharing a loving, respectful relationship long term. I think I'll end there, Maria. A cold shower is on the agenda. If there's a cure-all for dashed expectations, let me know. I'm all in for today.

Write to Susan Deitz c/o this newspaper. She will answer all letters that come with a self-addressed, stamped envelope. Or you may e-mail her at info@creators.com.

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