DEAR SUSAN: I'm 21 and about to have a baby. I'm very happy and am looking forward to it. However, I decided not to have any more contact with the father, so I'm on my own.

The thing is, sometimes I feel lonely because I don't have a husband or a boyfriend to share this experience. My family is loving and supportive, but I'd like a partner as well. — Sheila T., Long Island, N.Y.

DEAR SHEILA: A single mother by choice, you have much to be thankful for. But you've helped yourself to a three-course meal: new baby, new motherhood, new dynamics in your family. That's a pretty full plate you've chosen, not to mention a major shift in thinking to put your baby's needs before your own — shifting gears from "I" to "we." I counted seven "I's" in your short letter (ahem). With all those pressures and adjustments, you would have a hard time morphing into a sex kitten for the man of the evening. And you know what? It's not even appropriate to plunge into the dating routine with a newborn at home. This early stage of motherhood comes with its own twists and turns, large and small decisions and complexities. Be a wise woman and forgo the added drama of dating. Not for all time, but at least for the next few months. My advice is to stop looking at what isn't and start giving thanks for the bounty of your life. And in your spare moments (!), I urge you to join a group (national and established) organized exclusively for women who have shared your parenting decision. You need to know more. Much more.

Single Mothers by Choice

P.O. Box 1642

New York, NY 10028

Ph: 212-988-0993

http://www.singlemothersbychoice.com

DEAR SUSAN: I've been dating a man seriously for nearly 10 months. He doesn't always "check out" women in front of me, but the last time he did felt awful. He didn't even look at me, he only looked down or at this woman. But he gets extremely jealous if any man starts talking to me! I confronted him about this latest incident, but he denied it. What should I do? — Georgette H., Santa Rosa, Calif.

DEAR GEORGETTE: Take a break from Roving Eye for an indefinite time. (Make the announcement fuzzy and vague. Which it is, really. Where you'll go or what you'll do next is — I hope — just as fuzzy for yourself.) Look at this space in your life as a great chance to take a trip or throw a party — or surprise yourself with some other bold swipe at the same-old-same-old routine you've been on with dear old Roving Eye, known to us as RE. C'mon now, take a deep breath, square your pretty shoulders (when was the last time he complimented you?) and resolve to stride out into this wonderful world. On your own. (Remember, good things can happen only when you're uncoupled and open to possibilities.) This surprise move will not be ignored by RE; he'll want to know what's going on with you. My advice? Don't tell him much. Be the mystery lady. Surprise yourself with the fun of having him fill in the blanks and being puzzled by your sudden change. Men do love a mystery woman. You may have learned the first rule of flirting: Say very little.

GOOD RESOURCE. There is a little-known resource for information about sexuality, a library that can handle phone requests for pertinent information. I recommend it to you with no reservations. You can access its valuable information by phone or by logging on to their Web site. Either way, it's worth your time.

SIECUS (Sexuality Information and Education Council of the United States)

130 W. 42nd St., Suite 350

New York, NY 10036

Ph: 212-819-9770

http://www.siecus.org

Write to Susan Deitz c/o this newspaper. She will answer all letters that come with a self-addressed, stamped envelope. Or you may e-mail her at [email protected].