DEAR SUSAN: My boyfriend wants a serious relationship, but I'm getting ready for college, and marriage would interfere with my plans. (I'm 18, he's 22.) Trouble is, he has the ability to win me over to his way of thinking when he wants something.

I know someday I'll marry him, it's just that now isn't the time. But how to tell him that without hurting him? I think I'm falling for his plans. — Bernadette B., Long Island, N.Y.

DEAR BERNADETTE: Interesting way to put it, "falling for his plans." Sort of strikes me as dangerous and life-threatening, this idea of falling for his plans. And even if the message hasn't reached your lips (yet), it definitely comes across in your letter. Clever woman, you're facing a choice that will impact your life for many years; my sense is you've chosen your course of action already. You know your tendency to succumb to your boyfriend's wishes, and that awareness will help you make the right choice — for you. It's your life we're talking about, no? Not his. After all, he's got his stuff too — insecurity about your leaving, dating other men, entering a world separate from his. His proposal is lovely, sweet and romantic, but it can be read as tying you up for a lifetime. He needs commitment, and now. But you need to explore the world out there beyond his reach. That distance either makes or breaks what you two have. You must evolve into a wide world; he needs to live his life. If you two truly are in love, deep love, he'll understand — no, he'll honor the next step you want to take. If not, well, he'll have to get on with his life, and perhaps in the future he'll be your mate. But a lot of things must happen before the wedding day. Four glorious years at college, for one. You have a chance to become more of yourself; don't pass it up for a marriage proposal born of fear and possessiveness. This crossroads will show who truly loves you — and who wants to own you. Your future is too good to be talked out of it.

Stand strong. And in the weak moments (and there will be some), take your parents out to dinner to celebrate! Let me know developments.

POSTSCRIPT TO BERNADETTE'S LETTER. Have you noticed that some men suddenly decide to make babies when their women are promoted? Is it to keep them at home, domesticated, a wifey and not a businesswoman? It's been a phenomenon I've seen many times, in different professions, but the scenario is always the same. She and he are doing fine, getting along in their fields, just about equally challenged and salaried, but one day she makes the announcement that she's gotten a huge promotion that changes her travel schedule and/or hours at work. Out of the blue she's vaulted to a rather high position at work. And then … have you noticed?

DEAR SUSAN: Meeting singles is difficult. I'm in debt because of medical bills, so taking a class is too expensive. I'm alcohol- and smoke-free because of the 12-step program. I work part time because of another illness. (My last lady and I called it quits about a year ago, but we're still friends.) Like Bobbi T., it's hard for me to move out of my comfort zone. Being a shy male has its disadvantages. And I can't treat a lady the way I'd like to. But it sure would be nice to meet someone special. — Eddie E., Santa Rosa, Calif.

DEAR EDDIE: For the moment, take my advice and don't even think in terms of dating, that formal and stilted absurdity that forces men into the most uncomfortable and expensive ceremonies. You're not up for it anyway, so let's move on to a better way for you to meet that special woman who shares your tastes — and your values. After all, they are the key to open up conversation focused on "green" life. Without a doubt, this is going to be a "green" century and you might as well be part of the movement, in step with good people whose values are not "dates" and "meet markets." Believe me, conversation won't be awkward or forced when people are engaged in helping Mother Earth regain her health. You'll have so much to share, to ask, to opine. Save the whales, save the polar bears and the penguins, save our habitat.

Write to Susan Deitz c/o this newspaper. She will answer all letters that come with a self-addressed, stamped envelope. Or you may e-mail her at info@creators.com.

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