DEAR SUSAN: I live in a small town and teach school here. I'm interested in meeting new people, but doing different things (joining clubs, taking classes) hasn't worked. I'm not getting any younger and feel my biological clock ticking. I enjoy the small-town atmosphere, but not the lack of decent male companionship. — Julie Anne B., Long Island, N.Y.

DEAR JULIE ANNE: Face it. You may have to leave your small-town blues and establish a new base of operations. But not immediately. Before a wrenching uprooting, let's try other things. That is one way to meet new faces, but not the only one. Placing a personal ad in a newspaper with a large circulation (in the next town) is another outreach. For a more indirect approach, consider forming/joining a book club — in your town or the next larger one. Your immediate scope is smallish, but persistence can pay off once you realize all the options open to you. (Your stomach may be queasy at first, but the next one will be far easier.) And how about weekend forays into the big city? Shopping or a gal lunch can be your cover; only you need know your expansionist plans. And while you're in the city, check out the newspaper (and staff) you plan to advertise in. Go walking alone … good things can happen when you're on your own. Hey, expansion can breed adventure — which is, after all, the point of moving beyond status quo, out of your comfort zone. I suggest making a plan for the first visit, one that's flexible and gives you time on your own. The next time, you'll know more — about yourself and the places you want to see. But even this beginning will make changes in your thinking. You've left status quo behind, and I for one am delighted!

WISDOM FOR AN UNSETTLED AGE. (Taken from the book "A Strategy for Daily Living," by Ari Kiev, M.D.)

"The stressfulness of a situation depends on your conception of it. If you view it as a challenge and act accordingly, you will master it and strengthen your capacity to master subsequent stresses. If you view it as disastrous, you will succumb to apathy and fatalism and fail to take those extra steps within your power to master the situation.

"Once you discover that you can govern your own thinking and that in doing so you can overcome adversity, you will have gained the self-mastery that is inherent in all of us.

"How successfully you behave throughout the duration of a crisis will always reflect how well you have developed habits of self-reliance and personal autonomy."

DEAR SUSAN: Here are my thoughts on the subject you raised, cohabitation without marriage. (I've never found anyone who thinks the same way.)

I am 48 years old, divorced after 17 years of marriage, with two children. We separated nearly nine years ago because we had quit communicating and weren't growing together. For a year afterward, I lived alone. This was new for me; I had gone from my parents' home to cohabiting to marrying that same man. I had always been afraid of living solo but found I was good at it! The feeling was wonderful! I built a career, cultivated new friendships and interests, bought a house and established a great credit rating.

After that first year, a friend and I decided to make a go of our relationship, so he moved in with his young son. It's been about six years now. We're asked, "When are you two going to get married?" Our answer is: "Been there, done that. Why would we do it again?" For young couples who want to start life together, have children, share assets and finances, etc., marriage may be the ideal.

But we don't need that. We are both established, have our own financial security, our own health insurance, and neither of us wants children. We love each other, have lots in common, have a social circle of friends (his, mine and ours), and isn't that what really matters? We don't make unreasonable demands on each other, and because our finances are separate, we never fight about money. Is the legal institution of marriage going to change that?

When we discuss the "what if you leave me or die" issue, the answer is always, "It will hurt, terribly, but I will survive." We both know how to be alone. I've learned how to enjoy my own company and am trying to teach my children its importance. The bottom line is, you come into this world alone, you leave it alone, and you must learn to find a balance between being with someone and being by yourself. Whether or not you choose to marry doesn't change that. I've been dependent, I've been independent, and now I am — to use your term — undependent. I have the best of both worlds. I am single yet not single, and we've managed to find a perfect balance. Why change it? — Carla H., Cherry Hill, N.J.

DEAR CARLA: At last you've found a comrade, a fellow believer. Your inner pilot steered you toward this wonderful state of being — and you listened. That year of silence when you were strictly on your own was your time to commune with the person who was changing, the stronger you. And once that strength is confronted, mano a mano, there is no turning back. Who would want to, after discovering a new person within?! It would make no sense whatsoever to go back to square one, that yesterday that felt weak and helpless. No, the only way to move forward and grow is to consciously choose to take the risk and feel those butterflies in the pit of your stomach. You've been tested, Carla, and tempered in life's fiery furnace. There's no going back. Happily.

Write to Susan Deitz c/o this newspaper. She will answer all letters that come with a self-addressed, stamped envelope. Or you may e-mail her at info@creators.com.

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