This is the first resolution of the Declaration of Undependence, expanded. Each month there will be another one.

"I RESOLVE to think for myself in all situations rather than allow an 'expert' to decide the course of my life. While I will remain open to wise counsel, I alone will make the final decision in matters affecting my life. And when there are shared decisions to be made, I will make myself heard."

All too often, being uncoupled leads to self-silencing. There is a tendency for the singleton — you — to stand in the shadows, more onlooker than participant. You harbor thoughts and opinions, true, but the absence of a partner can be weakening and push you into silence. Without that backup — and convinced you need a stronger, more authoritative voice — you tend to look outside to an "expert" to solve your problems. Don't buy into that helplessness. Don't sell yourself short.

And for Pete's sake, be a full partner with the person you love. That implies speaking up and taking responsibility for where the relationship is going. (No drift-in-the-wind scenario for you.) You are the captain of your ship at all times — in and out of couplehood! Of course major decisions are to be shared, for the good of both of you and for the strength of the twosome, but at all times be aware you are fully half the discussion. You are a force to be reckoned with, owning the power of your individuality. Funny thing about that power, it grows steadily. The more you are part of the dialogue — in a romance, a family unit, a friendship — the stronger your voice becomes. The surer your words the more confident your opinions. Not that you are always correct or on the right side of the issue. (That would make you rigid, someone who can't consider another point of view, someone to be avoided.) Actually, greater confidence makes you more open to other points of view. Your ego is stronger and more willing to hear the truths behind criticism and see it as something other than insult.

That's part of the fun of undependence; you're able to be your own person, to "own" yourself and all you stand for. You're on the stage, on your own, one among many yet a unique part of the crowd. You've grown into a phase that honors who and what you are, and you are fully aware of your personhood. It's taken a while to get here, but now that you've arrived, you're not exactly too shy to crow a little. This is a great time for you, a time to give yourself a hug of congratulations for a job well done. The best part? Your life is your creation. Not all of it, certainly; other people and good fortune had a part to play. But you were the director, and you staged the plot. And you did it by the choices you made. They didn't always appear correct and certainly weren't the same old same old, but they felt right. And you had the guts to move forward on that.

That's probably the essence of undependence — marching to the sound of your own drummer, the one inside, the very best friend you'll ever have. Put another way, an ally of the highest order. (How many people can you burnish with those words?) Whatever you may take away from the Declaration of Undependence, above all remember to trust your instincts. They are your personal truths. Speak them clearly and quietly.

Write to Susan Deitz c/o this newspaper. She will answer all letters that come with a self-addressed, stamped envelope. Or you may e-mail her at info@creators.com.

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