DEAR SUSAN: As a gay man, I've been intrigued and to a certain extent amused by the "men's issues" of my heterosexual counterparts. No matter how many layers the onion has, the core issue for straight men has always been, "I need to make sure I am manly enough and do/say/think/feel whatever it takes to not come across female-like."

If you need a clue, tune in to what men are saying about Hillary. They can't stand showing "female" traits or a female showing "male" traits. Women, consciously or not, fuel this fire and dance the dance with them. One of the perks of being gay is that it takes this interesting dilemma out of the equation. I don't judge whether my emotions are male or female, but rather the place that I am at that particular point in time, reaching for the healing I yearn for.

Deep down we all want to be loved, respected, appreciated; this is true for males as well as females. It is interesting how we at times put a social, temporary concept above our eternal, true nature. Ultimately, we are all genderless spirits having a human experience. So what are these male/female "roles and attributes" we've created and been socialized to accept? Nothing but a lot of hot air and drama! — Eddie E., New York City (LOVE your column!)

DEAR EDDIE: Your positioning outside the battlefield during the war between the sexes gives you the ideal perspective on its vagaries, but being gay isn't easy in this society (although it is loosening somewhat). It must be infiltrated with doubts and feelings of being different, shut out of the mainstream … wherever that may be. You've been reading my thoughts (in this column, not metaphysically) long enough to know my take is definitely pro-flexibility. (Who takes out the garbage and/or initiates the lovemaking is definitely up for grabs in a loving, respectful partnership. Those rigid roles can stifle the most promising love partnerships.) But sex hormones come with their own wisdom, which must not be denied. So it may be true that our spirit world knows not from gender limitations, but we live in this two-gendered world where hormones rule. And even then, there are men who are less masculine and women less feminine, people with more than a sprinkling of the other gender, a middling status. In those situations, flexibility and open-mindedness can save (even nurture) the relationship with the other gender. There are all degrees of maleness and femaleness, and if properly mated, male and female can achieve the pairing right for them. Those who are honest with themselves, who know and accept their own needs, have pretty fair odds of finding the partner who fills them. No lifetime guarantee, of course, but pretty fair odds.

ENERGY CONSERVATION. It's the hot subject these days, but you might guess that this columnist has her own special spin on it. You already know, I presume, how much respect I have for you, reader and friend. Well, as this corner of singleworld goes green, thoughts turn naturally toward saving energy. Your energy, the time and money and brainpower that add up to a considerable amount of expenditure, all in the service of DATE PREPARATION (capitals for emphasis). It hardly matters that it may be planned as a blind date, where the prospect is entirely unknown. The fact of the matter is, it's hardly worth the effort! All that fluttering heartbeat and nervous dry throat added up to nothing, nada, zilch. But still you're out money and hours of precious time that could be better spent! Need I say more???

Write to Susan Deitz c/o this newspaper. She will answer all letters that come with a self-addressed, stamped envelope. Or you may e-mail her at info@creators.com.

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