DEAR SUSAN: I've been dating the same woman for more than a year. I love her dearly, but I'd like a change in my sex life. (I only want a one-night stand.) My steady satisfies my sexual desires, but having an alternate lover has always been a fantasy of mine. Do you think it's wrong to consider having sex with a different woman? — Tyler H., Long Island, N.Y.

DEAR TYLER: Fantasizing a play date with someone other than your lady love isn't wrong — as long as it never sees the light of day (more to the point, the darkness of night). One of our recent presidents (hint: a former peanut farmer) admitted lusting in his heart but wisely kept the feeling confined to that organ. Most of us daydream about goals and people we aspire to be with. There's nothing inherently wrong with that. The trouble starts when those dreams interfere with our day job (aka reality) and make mischief with our lives. Our most loving relationships can suddenly seem mundane, so boring compared to our personal fantasy island, that we give up the real for the unreal. Which is a perfect lead-in to my advice not to pursue your one-night stand but to live it with the woman you love so dearly. Humor me for a moment and join me in a game of What-If, i.e., the positives and negatives of playing in your secret garden. The downside possibilities? Contracting a sexually transmitted disease; discovery by your lady love, followed by the tumultuous end to her respect and trust in you, followed by her exit (sigh, sobs). But things needn't end — not if I have my druthers. By rewriting the script a little, the woman you love and the one you dream about can coexist in your lovemaking! Without endangering reality, you can have it all. It may take a bit of explaining at first, but pretty soon it's a game of show and tell. You'll see.

DEAR SUSAN: You told your reader Keith that he'd have to be patient (or date women in their 30s) until the girls in their 20s turn 30 and realize that nice isn't always boring. Is that not the theme of carpe diem ? Aren't you really saying, "Waste no time. Move on to 30-year-olds"? Kind of like "Monopoly": Go straight to jail; do not pass Go; do not collect $200. — Dale F., El Paso, Texas

DEAR DALE: Whoa. More than a few male readers have misunderstood the tone and intent of my words lately, and I wonder whether it's something in the air? In the water? I've got some questions, too, and need some advice. Would you guys out there in Readerland clue me in? Is it something I'm doing in my beloved column? Are my words coming across as biased? Pro-female and therefore anti-male? And, Dale, you in particular, as the latest male reader to e-mail a mystifying message, kindly explain your "Monopoly" reference. (I read it as anger. Am I correct?) I'm mystified. Honest.

SINGLEFILED. Week after week, column after column, you (aka the reader) are morphing into a well-defined individual who's forging new attitudes toward their singleness. You probably feel more confident about being unmarried, more certain that you're living as you choose — not the reject/oddball/loser that not many years ago was the prevailing picture of the unmarried. Now that singles are the majority in this country — and a rising population around the globe — the undependence we're exploring is coming into its own. The single community is turning markets on their heads, creating a new kind of consumer. And married folk are learning from this new shopping style, more experimental and willing to try new products, a bit self-indulgent. A marketer's dream.

If you've been tuning in to this corner of the unmarried community, you know how deep feelings run about being treated differently. Taxes, politics, all have run counter to the new world of singleness. But here in this column, we're focused tightly on the pluses of being unmarried. And we realize that ultimately everyone is an individual, a "singleness" that needs to be expressed. Certainly as a single person, and just as surely in a relationship. It's then that our singleness must be given voice. Only if it is can love grow and respect be mutual.

Being Singlefiled brings a willingness to be whole when coupled and whole on one's own. Undependence is the jewel in the crown of maturity, being willing to be comfortably alone and able to make one's singleness incidental.

Write to Susan Deitz c/o this newspaper. She will answer all letters that come with a self-addressed, stamped envelope. Or you may e-mail her at info@creators.com.

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