DEAR SUSAN: Just what children need, two parents fighting over them! It seems much more constructive for parents to agree to joint parenting responsibilities instead of slugging it out in the courts and putting the children in the middle. That's where some of the most harmful psychological damage is done to them. Where do you stand? — Colin C., Long Island, N.Y.

DEAR COLIN: Firmly on the side of family love — building it, keeping it, preserving as much of it as is humanly possible. That kind of parenting is active and intelligent, with rancor held to an absolute minimum. The problem is, most divorces make adversaries of former beloveds, pitting them against each other and putting the needs of the children a distant second. In the heat of battle, children are the forgotten ones. Too often their fertile imaginations, starved for straight talk and loving reassurances, are left to dream up the worst possible future for the family, for themselves. (Many children secretly blame themselves for the breakup!) That terrible scenario can be moderated by putting a mediator into the equation, a third person, impartial and wise in the ways of divorce. In my own family, what could have been a really bad ending (redundant?) was defused to a large degree by hiring a third party to arbitrate the division of property and other legalities — a decision that left plenty of time for parenting. It takes plenty of gumption to squash the tendency to spew vitriol and use intelligence to trump emotion. Mediation is a good path. Do it for the children's sake.

The largest online divorce resource is www.divorcenet.com. Their Web site is a virtual encyclopedia of divorce resources, offering extensive information on state-specific laws, a nationwide directory of divorce lawyers, mediators, financial professionals and more.

DEAR SUSAN: Thank you for the lovely essay on kindness. I'm going through a rough patch in my life right now, and it makes me feel a bit inspired to show kindness instead of the stress I'm feeling. My hope is that outward displays might become an inner peace and might allow me to be kind to — me. — Janine J., Cherry Hill, N.J.

DEAR JANINE: This old world can use all the kindness we humans can give each other. It has enough mountains and valleys, as lovely as they are. And there certainly is plenty of stress — tension piled on tension, reaching the moon and back. As for kindness, well, it's always a treasured guest. You'll see. The first time you manage to quiet your own distress and reach out to help, the appreciation will warm your heart. You'll be taken out of your troubles by a new friend; the tiniest act is appreciated and remembered. In a world too often obsessed with its own problems, coming upon someone who's gone beyond his own problems is a surprise, almost shockingly so. And a sweet memory for the recipient of your largesse. Which is, in the final analysis, you! But we're not talking about self-absorbed narcissism when the issue is showing yourself gentleness — not at all. The truth is, only when you are able to show yourself love/kindness can you add your portion to the universe. Imagine how good that feels, to contribute kindness to a world so needy. Spread the word.

ALTERNATIVES TO MARRIAGE PROJECT. (Excerpted from their newsletter.) More unmarried people are expected to vote in this exciting presidential election than in any previous year, and AtMP members can take some credit for that! Their national campaign to increase unmarried voter turnout in the presidential primaries and caucuses has racked up some impressive numbers. And some members even registered to vote through their Web site: www.unmarried.org.

Write to Susan Deitz c/o this newspaper. She will answer all letters that come with a self-addressed, stamped envelope. Or you may e-mail her at info@creators.com.

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