DEAR SUSAN: My boyfriend and I have been going out for eight months, and now he's asking me to sleep with him. The problem is I'm only 16. I do love him very much, but I'm a virgin and I'm terrified. Can you help? — Bernadette B., Long Island, N.Y.

DEAR BERNADETTE: Actually, your early warning signal is already on the job, paralyzing you into non-action. The fear it's sending is a sign — a very healthy one — that all is not right in your universe and a stop order is needed. Instinct seems to be telling you to slow down and think things through. And you, sweet 16 girl-into-woman, have made the (very) mature choice to obey the flashing lights and slow down before crossing into unknown territory. Your caution is reassuring, Bernadette. It bodes well for a self-directed life, shaped by instinct and thought, resistant to external pressure when it feels wrong. At your age, love feels strong, pure and very grown-up. As you mature, though, the feeling becomes something else entirely.

My advice is to wait until sex feels right, when it expresses your feelings for this person who loves you above all others and commits body and soul. You'll see. The joining of souls is the element that transforms ordinary sex into spiritual communion. Please wait until love, not fear, is the driving force to share your self.

MARRIAGE AS PREREQUISITE TO DIVORCE? There are those —usually nubile women — who see marriage as nothing more than (but wholly dependent on) a necessary rite of passage. Marriage to them, then, is nothing but a steppingstone (after the divorce is final) to the woman they want to be: experienced, desirable, sophisticated. A woman with a past, a woman of mystery. This temporary "marriage" is a fraud and a farce. Do you know this woman? Could it be someone close to you? Could it be you?

DEAR SUSAN: I'm a 34-year-old man who ended up with custody of three wonderful children. I never dreamed what was in store! It's been six months, and somehow we've survived. But I have questions: What sort of woman do I look for? Good mother? Good wife? The combination doesn't seem to be out there. How do you find someone to love and hope they'll love your children as well? — Denis G., Santa Rosa, Calif.

DEAR DENIS: A search this important needs time — great gobs of it — before you meet a promising candidate. And way, way after. Three young lives are trusting you to bring home a warm, kind, happy mom. And your wish list for a wife probably overlaps theirs in many ways — but not all. Your needs include a desirable partner who shares your values and priorities. That she might come with her own children isn't known right now. My advice? Don't over-think such issues now. They might not become an issue at all. Best to stay flexible and open to possibilities. Give yourself the freedom and the (unhurried) time to mosey around other single parents — at parent-teacher meetings at your children's schools and by contacting Parents Without Partners (www.parentswithoutpartners.org). See what wears well for your small family. You might consider holding weekly councils. The four of you seated in a circle on the kitchen floor, munching pizza and airing gripes (or kudos) until it's all been said. Young minds love the importance of being one among equals with their siblings at a noisy, messy pizza party. You're in a great place in your life, Denis. Make the most of it.

Write to Susan Deitz c/o this newspaper. She will answer all letters that come with a self-addressed, stamped envelope. Or you may e-mail her at info@creators.com.

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